God Take My Rage

"I want a trouble-maker for a lover, blood spiller, blood drinker, a heart of flame, who quarrels with the sky, and fights with fate, who burns like fire on the rushing sea."  Rumi



Rage.  Wikipedia describes the word as a feeling of intense, violent or growing anger.  It is sometimes associated with the "fight or flight" response to an external cue, such as an event that impacts negatively on a person.

Rage lives within me, I believe it lives within all of us.   Maybe three weeks after John died, I had a sudden out burst of rage that was so abrupt, so loud, it frightened me.  It felt involuntary, as if I was possessed for a few minutes.  I attempted to go mountain biking after returning to Oregon and had an issue with my bike that I couldn't seem to fix.  I'm not sure when exactly I snapped, but I threw my bike and gave out a blood curling scream.  I screamed at John.  I screamed at God.  I remember Jake hovering by a tree, terrified of me.  I told myself after that day that I wouldn't do that again, I would control my anger, I would push it away and find distraction when feeling irate.

I've learned that anger is a big part of grief.  While I question it's productivity, I know it exist within us.  When anger surfaces, we turn into something different.  Something dark.  We move away from the best version of ourselves through anger.

I’ve been gone for the past week between work and visiting a dear friend.  During my travels,  I spent a week in Richmond where John and I met and lived together for a few years.  I have found that by the end of a week in Richmond I feel exhausted.  It's as if my past is taunting me.  Everything is so familiar yet empty.  I adore my friends in Richmond but I'm always glad to leave.  On Sunday, I had to drive right through the town John grew up in on my way home from Harper's Ferry  for the first time since 2013.  I think that may have been the final trigger.  I felt him everywhere, and I became angry.  I pulled over and just stared out at the ridge you can see from his parents house and thought about how much life had changed in the last 21 months.   

John and I made many trips up to the Shenandoah Valley whether it was on our way to a kayaking destination or spending the weekend with his family.  I loved coming up here.  I loved seeing where John spent his boyhood days and I absolutely loved the comfort of the rolling mountains everywhere you looked.  I stared at that ridge knowing I’d never come back here again unless passing through.  I’d never step foot in his childhood home again.  This sense of family that we both had here was destroyed. I got back in my car and let my rage completely erupt.  I yelled things I shouldn’t have said.  These words- irrational outburst that made no sense.   

Shortly after John died, I felt an instant need to protect him, protect his choices.  For the longest time I remember telling people that John was well within his limits that day, that I had no issues with him kayaking.  I didn't want my husband to be viewed as reckless or irresponsible.  I didn't want people speaking of him in any negative way.  I even blamed myself for a long time, telling myself if only I had gone kayaking, they never would have done this harder section.  The truth.  No one should have kayaked that day, regardless of expert level.  At the rate the levels were climbing, the nature of each rapid was completely unpredictable.  Swimming was not an option.  I told John these things during our drive to the Smith.  He told me I was being silly.  He told me I was too paranoid.   He told me to relax, that things would be fine.  He should have listened to me.  

These are realities I'm still learning to come to terms with.  Accepting choices that were made that day.  I've let my rage explode at John for these choices.  For the predicament he left me in.  For not putting me first.  For telling me I was silly.  For thinking he was invincible.  I think sometimes when we lose someone so close to us, we tend to view them in a God like fashion.  They go up onto a self created pedestal that becomes impossible to compete with.  This is dangerous and leads to unrealistic expectations for our future.  John was my husband, not my God. 

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart."  Psalm 34:18

This morning I laid in bed considering my anger.  I thought about how my heart seems to turn angry over the holidays.  I thought about my judgment towards others and their happiness.  How I take their great outcomes personally, how I find their cute Christmas cards offensive and taunting.  It sounds horrible writing it, but it's the truth.  My heart seems to turn dark during this time of the year.

I wondered if at any point Jesus felt rage and simply put it away.  Was he angry at the world at any point, was he angry at his father?  He certainly didn't deserve the suffering he had to endure.  At one point, he even begged his father to take his suffering away, take the burden from him.  Yet instead, not only did he endure his own crucifixion, but he begged forgiveness on those that hurt him.  Its why we now can have this intimate relationship with him.  It's why my rage can be destroyed and overcome with joy.

My husband was a risk taker.  He marched to a different beat.  He pushed the limits often too much.  His need for adrenaline, for adventure, what ultimately led to his death and my fierce rage, is also the very thing that drew me to him.  It's what made me fall hard and fast.  It's what hardened my heart, yet also softened it.  I knew this about him, yet I was all in.  I wanted his heart of flame, for it made me feel alive.

Rage is not of God.  The anger that festers after loss comes from something dark.  Rage can become who you are after loss, if you let the darkness take over.  It can harden your heart, turn you into a cynical, morbid person.  I've seen this side within myself, and I don't like her.  I turned my rage over to God this past week, and I am sure I will do this a few times in the years to come.  For this is a part of being human, being vulnerable to the darkness, but also recognizing it's little worth, knowing it's source and the zero credibility it deserves.  Rage will destroy you if you allow it to.

I want love over the rage.  I choose indescribable, heart bursting, unapologetic love for John, for myself, for my family and friends over the rage.   I refuse to be a victim to the anger.  God can take my rage and destroy it, it's my choice to give it to him.  I believe this is the only choice, the most clear choice there is.

Lean In

"And me, I remain alone.  Entangled in my love affair with solitude."  Natalia Crow

I get a lot of phone calls throughout the week from different people at work.  Part of my job consist of giving guidance, direction and recommendations to people every single day.  I received a phone call  last Monday with what I thought would be a typical work day question.  Instead, this individual started the question with, “Well, it’s personal.”  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  He wanted to know how I spend so much time alone.  How is it possible to be alone, yet not feel completely lonely and depressed he asked. I have to admit, his question stunned me at first, no one has ever asked me that before.  I briefly wondered if my aloneness was apparent to him.  I also inappropriately laughed, but then realized he was serious and wanted some guidance.  My quick response was to make him laugh by telling him to get off his butt and get involved in the community he lives in.  Take action.  Throw yourself into something.  My advice for the day completed.

Oddly, I found myself going back to his question throughout this past week, wondering what circumstances led him to needing guidance.  What did the bigger picture entail for him?  The more I considered his question, I found myself considering two additional questions. Do you like who you are?  Do you enjoy hanging out with you? 

Continuing to work through the Konmari method, I believe I’ve been asked to take a deep look at myself and all that creates me.  It may seem odd, but I’ve found myself becoming more aware of my body and what an incredible machine it is.  Thanking my hands for the constant work they do, appreciating how quickly they work.  Thanking my feet for carrying me every single day.  Thankful for my health, my physical strength, my freckles that define my face.  We are with ourselves every day, every second.  We are our most consistent presence.  Our bodies work so hard to support us and I’m realizing how much it goes unnoticed.  It is the most valuable thing we will ever own out right. It is given to us the day we are born.  Our most present and consistent  physical possession.  With something that valuable, are we happy with it?

I think we as human’s naturally put full reliance into other human’s which is dangerous.  I am guilty of this human reliance.  I did this with John.  It wasn’t until after he was gone that I felt the need to face those two questions, when really I should have faced them years and years ago before entering into any deep love for someone else.  When we are in a relationship, we don’t always take a hard look at ourselves, our interest, our dreams, what our bodies are doing.  We are a part of someone else, everything is WE.  We become reliant to a fault.   I seem to now notice this more than ever with couples all the time.  This constant reliance on each other as a way to survive in this world.  As a way to feel happy, to be complete.

 In this new chapter of my life, there are many things I must do for myself that John may have done in the past.  There is no man to carry my bags, help me put my luggage in the overhead compartment, change my headlights,  reach that one thing I’m too short to grab, fix my bike, throw my kayak on the car, make dinner for me.  If I don’t do them or pay someone to do them they won’t happen.  We put so much stock and need into others, yet we are all so easily disposable, all withering away on different time tables.  Maybe it sounds morbid for me to say that, but it’s true.  So why do we do that when we have the hard facts?  Why is the thought of being alone with ourselves so frightening at times? 

Shortly after John died, I found myself having anxiety after work and on Friday afternoon when the weekend was approaching.  Most people rejoice when they get off work, I found myself completely dreading it without John.   It was like I was afraid of me, afraid of having to face me and spend time with me.  I didn’t want to spend time with myself or listen.  I just wanted a constant distraction, someone to rely on, someone to spend time with.  I sure as hell didn’t want me.  I think it’s why widows and widowers or those going through divorce or a broken relationship tend to jump too quickly into another relationship, later to find that it fails because it was simply a distraction from yourself.  When I moved to Fayetteville last July, I met a guy that was incredibly friendly and charming, giving me a huge welcome to the small town I chose as home.  I found myself spending more and more time with him and at one point I thought I actually felt more than just a friendship for him.   The conversation flowed so easily and he was the first stranger I really spoke to about John.  Needless to say, one night my need for distraction caught up with me.  I became confused and extremely depressed.  My desire to spend time with him had everything to do with how much I ached for John.  I poured my time into hanging out with him because I didn’t want to feel my loss, my pain.  I didn’t want the silence.  I didn’t want to consider the details of my relationship with John, the good and the bad.  I wanted none of that. Choices like that aren’t sustainable and people get hurt that way.   I hurt him through my own fear of aloneness.  I used him to fill an impossible void that no human could fill. 

The last 20 months I’ve taken a hard look at me, the woman I am, the woman I’ve found, and have asked myself that simple question.  Do I like me?  Do I like hanging out with just me? I believe our ability to answer these questions comfortably can define our human experience here on earth.  Answering these questions requires an acceptance of solitude.  It requires us to tap into the silence and listen to our own vibrant thoughts.  These questions ask us to remove the distractions, remove the quick fixes, the cheap thrills, and to spend time with us in all our thoughts, our pains, our dreams.

 I enjoy pouring a glass of wine, making myself dinner and watching an episode of The Walking Dead.   I can laugh pretty hard  by myself at something silly at least once a day.  I enjoy sitting in my lounge chair and reading a mystery thriller.  I love walking through the woods with Jake while listening to a sermon from my church in Grants Pass.  I’ve taught myself to  play the guitar and change my own mountain bike tires.  Cooking is a true passion of mine.  I’m a neat freak and am totally OK with it even though I believe it is border line obsessive compulsive disorder.  I dance to Beyonce a lot.  I truly enjoy reading scripture every morning.  I day dream about personal business ideas.  I believe my passion falls in the form of outdoors, leadership and project management, just not sure how to pull those together yet.  Mountain biking is the best physical release for me and kayaking is different now and I’m accepting that.  I love the comfort of my home and simply being in it.  Writing is a true grief release for me.  These are just a few of many things I’ve discovered through my solitude.  Through getting to know me.

Learning to love me goes deeper though.  As a believer in a loving higher power, the last 20 months for me has been learning to listen to his spirit that lives within me. To acknowledge this presence through everything, both simple and complex.  Having gratitude for the many blessings in my life, not the pain.  Acknowledging his work every day whether it was a safe drive, a good night sleep, a productive day at work, a phone call from a friend, extra strength.  I’ve learned that love for oneself allows you to give genuine love to others.  It allows you to help others that need you.  It grows something soft in you that allows compassion and empathy to come forward.  Truly loving yourself also lets you know in your gut when you’re wrong, when you're judging, when you’re hurting others.  Love for yourself shows you that you don't need a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend for survival or for completeness.  Instead, loving yourself makes those relationships with others the strongest and healthiest they will ever be.  It makes you genuinely want it, not simply need it out of fear of being alone.

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect loves drives out fear."  1 John 4:18

So if I could truly answer my co-worker and friend’s question, I believe I would answer it with another question.  Have you gotten to know you and the incredible love the universe has for you?  For that love is indefinite, it is not fading, it will be with you beyond any human experience.  So lean into the solitude and silence and spend time with you. 

Jars of Clay

“For God who said, ‘Let light shine out of the darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.  It is written, “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”  All of this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause Thanksgiving to over flow to the glory of our creator.  Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”  2 Corinthians 4

My mom asked me a few days before Thanksgiving if I would do the blessing for our family this year.  I agreed to this feeling I would more than likely wing it two wine glasses in before dinner.  What can I say, my family has always enjoyed participating in cocktail hour before big meals and during the holidays with big family gatherings this is something I enjoy as well.

This Thanksgiving  morning,  I woke up while it was still dark and remembered I was in charge of this event before dinner and started thinking about what I should say.  I came across some scripture in Corinthians that seemed to grasp me that morning. I decided I would read these verses to my family and friends before praying with them. Things didn’t go as smoothly as I planned.  The moment I began to read the words to them, I was overwhelmed with emotion and longing I haven’t felt in a while that turned to tears.  I forced myself through each word, yet I am not really sure if I did any good or helped impact anyone, because my pain got the best of me in that moment.  And yes this was all sober:)

Lying here now I’ve been thinking about why I chose this particular scripture, why I felt it was important to hear as family and friends gathered for a meal.  The book of Corinthians consisted of letters written by the apostle Paul to the church of Corinth.  Basically, it was a hot mess there.  The people had turned against each other, they weren’t functioning as a community anymore and it was pretty much every man for himself.  Complete chaos.   In a much more beautiful way than I’m describing it,  Paul’s letters to the church explain how powerful God’s love is and how important it is that they love one another and love God.  How incredible joy comes from this kind of love.  He encourages them to let go of all the hate, self-destruction, greed, jealousy, lust, dishonesty, and come back to these two basic desires from God.  Love him and love each other.

I thought about all the people yesterday that didn’t get a meal, that didn’t have family to spend this holiday with.  I thought about how I had more than plenty.  I thought about why that is.  While I have no answer for each person’s chapter, I do believe we are all working towards going home one day.  I believe there is a pull in each of us that makes us question what is beyond this world because it never quite feels like enough.  At least for me, it has always felt like there is something more, something bigger.  I thought about John’s purpose as I read these words and what purpose he serves now at a bigger scale.  What purpose all those that have gone before us now serve.

I said before that my every day problems are nothing compared to the reality of what is going on around this world.  I had a good Thanksgiving.  I even get to go see most of John’s family today and spend time with them.  I have so much support and love coming from so many.

I think I chose these words for this blessing because I wanted to acknowledge that we so easily find ourselves in situations like the people of Corinth.  We judge, we become jealous, angry, defeated, dishonest, we sometimes say things that are hurtful.  We don’t always consider everyone’s situation, why they are the way they are, where they’ve come from.  We let family dynamics get the best of us and turn away from our families when some people have no family at all.  We let things fester, we hold grudges, we become stubborn.  My prayer for my family, really for everyone is that we acknowledge that yes these feeling do surface, but through acknowledgement they don’t have to own us or over take us.  Our worst day may be someone’s best day.

 My prayer is that no matter what chapter each person find’s themselves in and no matter how awful it is, that they can hold tight to Paul’s words, “this is temporary compared to what is to come and worth it.”  When I really put that into perspective, how short this life can be, I realize that all those feelings that fester truly are not from God, they are from me, and they simply don’t matter.

I believe we all have a bigger purpose we are working towards.  We’re all heading home one day.   We have the free will to chose how we get there and what path we take.  My hope is that as we move into a new year, yet another chapter, that we look at how we can let our light shine through the darkness of this world, regardless of our pain.  How chosing even a small act of kindness makes such a difference. My hope is that we each can tap into the treasure he gives us in jars of clay, that we ask what our purpose is, that we again continue to chose love over our pain and let that flow to others that need it.

My Thanksgiving focused on what is unseen, what is eternal.   I am beyond grateful for my hope in that, for my hope in going home.  For that chapter far outweighs any pain I find myself in now.  My prayer is that others can feel that too no matter what.

Choose LOVE

"There is an extremely powerful force that, so far, science has not found a formal explanation to.  It is a force that includes and governs all others, and is even behind any phenomenon operating in the universe and has not yet been identified by us.  This universal force is LOVE.  When scientist looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force.  Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it.  Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others  Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness.  Love unfolds and reveals.  For love we live and die.  Love is God and God is love."  Albert Einstein

I feel as if over the last few weeks I've had somewhat of a reality check with my life compared to what is going on around the world right now.  As I lay here in my warm bed this morning, there are children out there sleeping outside.  Children that won't eat today.  People living in fear.  Other's with so much hate they want to kill.  The sad thing is, I feel as if it's been more on my mind this week than many other weeks simply because of the horrific attacks that took place in Paris.  In reality, this has been going on for a long time, I've just chosen to look deeper over the past few weeks.  Shame on me for that.  

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss John.  He's on my mind all the time.  When I am alone, when I am with others, he is always there.  I ache for him.  Most of the smells from his old clothes have faded, what I would give to have just that scent back even for a few minutes would probably disgust you.  I miss all things John.  I miss myself with John.  I miss being married.  I miss the stupid things that annoyed me.  I miss his piles of junk, his bike projects, his messy car.   I miss his cooking., I even miss folding his clothes.  These are my day to day problems, my complete self-absorption.  This is my pain, my world problem.   

I've taken a hard look at my life over the last few weeks and I have a few things to say about it.  

I have beyond what I need.  I am clothed, I am warm, I don't know what it is like to starve.  I have a job, a house, and I live in a town where I feel safe.  I have amazing friends and a family that loves me.  I am healthy and active.  I've experienced incredible Love.  I am free.  I am alive.  

My life is not hard.  My life is full of blessings and favor every day that I don't deserve.  I didn't earn.  When I think about what not only happened in Paris, but adults and children around the world that are not safe, that are starving, that are being terrorized, my heart just aches.  It aches here in my warm house with my simple life.  I have nothing to complain about, nothing I absolutely need.  I am completely fine.  But what about them?  What about the life path they have and didn't ask for?   Why were they dealt this card?  These questions baffle me for I have no answers.  

I've been praying over the last few months about what to do with my finances, where I should give.  I used to give to food organizations when I lived in Richmond.  After working in one  at a volunteer event I was blown away by the amount of work these ladies did and the help they needed.  I was blown away by how many kids in Richmond don't get meals.  So I gave to that.  

I feel as if God has been calling me to search for this for a while now, I admit to you that I've put it off.  I believe God blesses us as we pour out blessings to others.  He gives with the intention for you to give.  It again goes back to two simple commands.  Love me and love your neighbor.  I feel as if God is weeping over the fall in humanity our world is seeing.  The hate that is spreading.  

Two organizations came across my path over the last week.  Samaritan's Purse based out of Boone, NC and the Fayette County Food Bank here in Fayetteville, WV.  I'm going to give to both of them going forward.  I feel that this is small compared to what is truly needed but I'll start here and continue to seek direction and clarity.

I'm praying for the people of Syria, the people of Paris, the people of Kenya.  I am praying for those that hate.  I don't know what the answer is or where this world is heading, but I believe God weeps at the hate.  Free will was not intended for this.  Free will was intended for LOVE, choosing LOVE over the hate. 

I can only hope that what is happening around our world is not only a reality check for me, but for many others.  I can only speak for myself, but I can promise you that I'm not having a bad day, I am not struggling.  My pain is real to me yes, but my life is still full of joy, full of plenty.  I hope all those around the world with plenty will pause and consider what is happening around our world before you choose negative feelings, before you choose judgment and dislike.  Think about those kids that are scared.  What can you do to help?  How can you choose LOVE?

Thanksgiving is approaching.  This has always been one of my favorite holidays.  We don't do it enough, but I believe it is a great opportunity to show love to others, gratitude to others.  Gratitude to my creator.  I looked through pictures over the last year of friends and family that have shown me acts of LOVE and kindness.  There are so many acts, I could include hundreds on this blog.  I felt humbled by the amount of people that took time out of their day to love me.  Even the amazing animals that have taken time to love me. I didn't deserve it or earn it.  I wasn't in need.  Yet, blessings flowed to me.

"In all things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will every be able to separate us from the Love of God."  Romans 8:37-38

Love is God and God is Love.  Albert Einstein had it right.  It really is that simple.  I hope all of you reading this will chose LOVE not just today or this week for the holidays, but for life.  Choose to help.  Through your actions, your choices, your passions.  How you let your blessings flow out to others that need you.  Choose LOVE.

I am so grateful to those that have chosen Love with me. Thank you.

                                      

Proverbs 31

“A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.  She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.  She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.  She gets up while it is still dark, she provides food for her family.  She considers a field and buys it, out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.  She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong from her tasks.  She sees that her trading is profitable and her lamp does not go out at night.  In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.  She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.  When it snows, she has no fear for her household, for all of them are clothed in scarlet.  She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.  Her husband is respected at the city gate where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.  She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.  She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.  Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”  Proverbs 31

I took some time off work this past week to adventure in the beautiful fall mountains with my friend Jared Sandeen.  Jared flew in from Oregon just like last year to spend a week with me.  I have to admit I was a bit nervous about seeing him, simply because he reminds me so much of my past.  His presence seems to catapult me into remembering everything about my time in Oregon with John.

Jared and I spent what felt like 24 hours of hell together on March 9^th.  It was scary, exhausting, and felt completely desperate at the time.  When search and rescue gave up we stayed out there for hours in the rain, just the two of us, searching for him.  I can remember being soaking wet and just driving down washed out road after road screaming for him, honking the horn and waiting quietly for anything.  I can remember having Jared walk me through the last thing he remembered on the river probably 100 times, hoping his story would change or there would be some light bulb that gave us hope.  Each time I would ask, he would walk me through it again with complete patience.  Waiting for the inevitable is probably one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.  Looking back I am so grateful that Jared was with me during this wait.  He was so calm and stoic, but I know he felt completely desperate inside as well, yet he remained strong for me. 

 I remember fleeing the gorge the moment John was found and wanting to be no where near the rescue scene.  I could not bear the thought or experience of seeing him like that at the time. So, while another good friend drove me quickly out of there, Jared had to do the unthinkable with some other friends and bring John out of that river.  We spent some time talking about this experience over the last week, reliving it to an extent and remembering how far we’ve come both separately and together as friends over the last year.  Neither one of us can seem to get through remembering those 24 hours without heavy tears.  Jared told me that he remembered a moment where he was literally climbing over bushes and falling through them every few feet  while searching for him.  He said he looked up into the gorge at one point just feeling defeated and exhausted..  He said something happened in that moment where he just knew that John was with him and it felt completely peaceful.  He said he knew right then that John was gone but also felt as if he was telling Jared its OK.  Shortly after this moment, Jared found him. 

For as long as I live, I will always remember what Jared and those other kayakers did for John.  I won’t forget what they had to go through, the risk they had to take and how incredibly respectful each of them were about the situation.  They are my hero's and always will be.

Those 24 hours on March 9^th became the start of what I believe is a deep spiritual connection with my friend Jared that has only grown stronger as time has passed.  Jared shares the same love for God that I do and in many ways has been a spiritual leader for me over the past 19 months.  I think when you go through a deep loss, it’s important to have a partner through that pain that shares your spirituality, regardless of what you believe.  For me, that is Christianity with Jared but, I think this is important regardless of any religion.  Jared is not only someone that inspires me through his love for God, but he challenges me to go deeper into my faith through prayer, daily acknowledgement of his presence all around us and to read his words.  I look back over Jared’s place in my life over the last 19 months and it is no coincidence that he was with John before John left this world.  Jared is exactly who was supposed to be there because of the role he’d play in my life. 

We spent time mountain biking some of John’s favorite trails across Virginia, and kayaking his favorite rivers together.  Jared spent time with John’s grand parents, he visited John’s resting place, he made time for John’s closest friends.  He soaked in the impact John had and the people he surrounded himself with and he adventured and prayed with me every day.  It was a great week.  

Jared told me before he left that I am a Proverbs 31 woman and that he felt grateful to be a witness to my life now and where I’ve gone over the last 19 months.  I spent time reading this scripture this morning  as I fly to the mid west for work this week and reflected on our time together. 

I think about so many people as I read this scripture that have lifted me up over the last 19 months.  Those that have challenged me to stand up; embrace the pain but don’t loathe in self-pity; be a strong woman who can stand on her own feet; make independent decisions and honor John by moving forward.  If I am a woman that will ever reflect this scripture, I can promise you it isn’t happening on my strength alone.  It’s people like Jared and so many others that petition for me, lift me up every day and remind me that they didn’t forget.  People like Jared that put their own pain to the side and took on the weight of mine.  With great loss, I think it is important to remember those that are still here that bear my cross with me and take on that burden with me every day.  If I am a Proverbs 31 woman, it is only because of my creator and those he works through to strengthen me.  God is so good.

So with that I will say thank you Jared for your incredible friendship and faith in me.  I know we will laugh together at the days to come, into old age, into eternity where our good friend John awaits us with another great adventure. 

It's OK.

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart, for I have overcome the world.”  Matthew 16:33

Over the span of the last 19 months, there have been a few people that have come to me with a dream they experienced with John.  As crazy as it may sound, it seems like when I have a tough few days or weeks where my emotions are shot, John pays a visit to a good friend.    

I’ve never been a woman that is comfortable showing tears to others.  I’ve always been pretty private with this kind of thing.  There are quite a few places I travel during the work week for hours with no service, so it becomes my time alone with my thoughts.  I think anyone that has lost someone significant will tell you that a lot of thinking time can lead to a break down.  This is when I find myself letting everything out.  Distraction is everything when it comes to loss, so when all I have are my thoughts, everything surfaces.  

The last two weeks have felt heavier than usual.  Maybe it’s another beautiful fall in the mountains, another Gauley season, a promotion, watching the progress of my house move forward?  Maybe it is simply more change and decision making without him.  Oddly enough, within the last week, I’ve had two friends come to me with a dream experience that left both of them in tears.  

I have been lucky enough to have one truly vivid dream of John since his passing.  I have never experienced anything like it before or since that one dream, but going through this left me wanting so much more, for it seemed so real.  In my dream, John and I were able to speak and touch.  He told me how sorry he was for leaving me too soon, but that he was needed by God and had much to accomplish.  He assured me he could hear my thoughts and would watch over me.  He promised he would come visit every now and then.  He told me to go forward.  I remember he was glowing.  I remember his smile.  It was so obvious to me during this time with him that he was at peace, that he had a purpose.  I will never forget it.

There have been six individuals that I know of that experienced an encounter with John in their own dreams over the last 19 months, all at different times.  All six described their experience to me as the most vivid dream they had ever had.  I thought about each story while driving today and wanted to share their time with him.  

My mom spent time with John by the river.  Throughout her experience she told John what had happened, and the pain I was going through, how she was worried.  I was in this dream with her, about 100 yards behind John walking along the river banks.  She described John as beautiful and full of light, with a huge smile on his face.  She said he looked perfect.  He continued to look at her as she talked and simply said over and over, “it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok." She said while I was down the river, he continued to gaze over at me and just smile, reassuring her that all was ok.  

My sister spent time with John in the sky.  She flew over mountains and rivers with him.  She said she had never seen colors like these before and while she couldn’t see John, she knew in this dream that she was seeing the world from his view point and it felt incredible.  

My friend Harrison ran into John outside of a jazz bar.  Harrison had so many questions for John about what happened to him on the river, asking what caused him to drown.   Harrison said John was glowing with a huge radiant smile on his face.  He said while no words were spoken, John just continued to smile at Harrison and simply faded away.

My friend Paula was on a walk in her dream and saw a rainbow appear in the sky.  In that rainbow she saw John’s smile and heard the sounds of jazz funk music.  

My friend Scott (who has never met John), found himself collecting fire wood with John.   He said it was as if John and I had never been apart, and we both seemed so happy.  He said that during this dream, he realized that he was speaking with John’s spirit for his physical presence was gone.  He said while this made him feel sad, it was so clear that both of us were happy and at peace, as if no time had passed at all. 

My friend Sarah experienced John at her house.  She said he was just the way he had always been; sarcastic, thoughtful and hilarious.  She said her 2 year old Henry got to meet John in this dream.  She said John was helping me get rid of things, explaining what I needed to let go of, what should be given away. She said John and I laughed and laughed until we cried. 

I have to tell you friends, when I have those tougher weeks where I feel weary and burdened, I look back to the experiences these individuals have had with my husband, and things simply feel lighter.  Through these dreams, I feel as if I can see a bigger picture well beyond what is happening right now.  I can tell you that these individuals who have found John in their dreams have been a huge support to me throughout my loss.   I'd like to believe that John checks in from time to time, just as he said he would. 

“Your laugh is what I am holding onto from that dream, and his face.  You were laughing the way that you used to with him.  Belly laughs, holding your stomach, can’t stand up straight.”  Sarah Fought

I am so grateful to the individuals that have had an experience with John and took the time to tell me about it.  I find each experience so incredible and touching.  I believe these experiences through each dream are a reflection of God’s love for these individuals, for John, for me.  A reminder of what is to come, and that it's ok. 

To A Wise Woman, Thank You.

"When I lay these questions before God, I get no answer.  But a rather special sort of 'No answer.'  It is not the locked door.  It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze.  As though He shook his head not in refusal but waiving the question.  Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'"  C.S. Lewis

I was on the phone with John's grand mother the other day while traveling for work down 1-77 through the mountains of Virginia.  I usually catch up with her once every few weeks and see how her and Jack are doing.  John adored his grandparents.  He always thought his grand mother was a classy lady that worked hard for her family and was always so kind to him.  Ellen was always so nice to me when John introduced me to his family and always made me feel so welcome.  Unfortunately, it wasn't really until John died that I became very close with his grand mother.  In fact, I would say for a long time I became very reliant on her support.  This woman checked in on me constantly and made it clear from day one that I would always be a grand daughter to them, always welcome in their home and they would always be here for me.  I am not sure I will ever be able to describe just how much that meant to me and how much that support from Ellen carried me through that first year.

During the first year of losing John, my parents were going through a tough divorce after 33 years of marriage to each other that exhausted both of them and my siblings.  I also lost all contact with my mother-in-law who I thought of like a mom and friend before John died.  There were multiple shifts in family dynamics that I did not want, yet had to accept, and John was no longer here to help me through these transitions.  I can remember feeling almost a sense of fear at times at these changes I had no control over.  Through all of that though, Ellen checked in on me almost every single day during those beginning months.  

She said something to me on the phone the other day that stunned me.  I was telling her how all of John's closest friends were coming to visit me in Fayetteville that weekend and kayak together, explaining yet another tradition and routine I was upholding in order to honor him.  After I explained my upcoming weekend she said to me, "Erin, you have got to move on, you have got to let go and live your life.  I pray to God everyday that you will."  I felt tongue tied when she said this to me, a loss of words or explanation.  I felt an instant lump in my throat, almost as if I wanted to protest and defend my choices to her.  Instead, I listened to her respectfully, told her I loved her as always, and then we hung up.  After this conversation I drove in silence for a while thinking about what she had said, repeating her words over and over again in my head.  "You have got to move on, you have to let go." 

I thought so much about what she said over the next few days.  While hiking with Jake one evening,  I continued to hear her words over and over again, and it became really clear to me.  That feeling you get when your junk catches up to you, you have no where to run, and no choice but to face it.  I have been living my life for two people over the last year and a half.  For myself, and for John, and it is exhausting. 

"I see people as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll say something about it, or not.  I hate if they do, and if they don't."  C.S. Lewis

I believe that when you lose a spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, you lose dreams, plans, memories, the future.  You lose the person you would have been and all things you would have done.  You lose who you were when they were here.  So, you are not only grieving the loss of that person, you are grieving the loss of everything that created that life with them.  I believe that alone is what is so sad and so difficult to face, the reality that you yourself are no more, and the future ahead of you includes a different person that your loved one may not have known.  On the other hand, you have a choice to embrace this new perspective and hopefully move forward.   Sadly, I have a feeling that many do not, they chose their bubble of grief and the comfort of their past.  The problem is, you take on the life and existence of someone who is gone, upholding everything you can to carry them forward.  That is why it pains you to be reminded of them from others and it pains you when they don't.  You carry it all the time and it is simply exhausting.   This is the cross road I have found myself at with Ellen's words.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."  C.S. Lewis

I believe that I've been living a life for both myself and John since his death, because I don't want others to forget him.  The thought of John forgotten instills a fear in me that is not pleasant.  From the day he died I felt an urgent need to carry his memory forward, to be his voice and presence for others.  He is still so ingrained in my heart, I believe I hold him there so that other's will not forget.  I even find myself talking about him in the present at times with our closet friends and family, as if he is just away.  I believe it is almost easier to carry on this way at times because it prolongs the journey I must take without him.  It allows him to have that space in my heart that I can't seem to give to anyone else.  When I focus on his memory and his love with friends and family, upholding events and traditions that look to him, it keeps my mind so busy that I don't have to feel that deep ache in my chest that can feel unbearable at times.  So instead, I live a life for two, referring to him all the time, like things used to be.

This way of living is not sustainable, it is not healthy.  Eventually, your junk does catch up to you, and sometimes it takes a wise woman like my husband's grand mother to call me out and leave me speechless because she's right.  

So the question I am left with is,how?  What does the future look like?  How do you keep them close to your heart, but also move beyond them?  I believe that is the choice everyone must make at some point when they lose someone, and it is not a choice for the faint of heart.  Maybe to truly honor those that go before us, is to move beyond them, to let go and live your life.  For that choice is the harder path to take, but I have a feeling it is so much more rewarding in the end.  I am starting to understand that by making that harder choice, you uphold their memory in the best light, the best way, with incredible honor.  They are not forgotten. 

I know that I am going to love someone again one day.  I believe that I will give someone my heart again the way I gave it away to him.  I can feel it in the depths of my being, I can feel it coming.  I think for now though, God is asking me to look ahead, to move forward, let go and start living my life for one, so I can one day live it for two again.  I am so grateful to John's wise grand mother for calling me on my junk.  I believe her words are saving me from an unsustainable life style, from prolonged pain.  I know John would be so proud of her for being the bold, wise woman that she is.  Thank you Ellen.  

Breathe Life to this Dream

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life.  And see if I could not learn what it had to teach and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."  Thoreau

I recently just finished reading a book written by a woman named Marie Kondo.  "The Life-changing  magic of tidying up-the Japanese art of decluttering."  My best friend Sarah Fought read this same book shortly after John passed.   I stay with Sarah, her husband Ricky and their 2-year old Henry Hollis whenever I work in Richmond.  Each time I've stayed with them, their house seems to become  more and more transformed.  I would describe it as lighter, purposeful, as if you were on vacation somewhere.  I told Sarah the last time I was there that her house feels just "zen" to me, as if I’m going to yoga or a massage. My room that I stay in at the Foughts always has a lovely arrangement of flowers from their yard, a comfortable bed and fresh towels.  These are the only things there awaiting me, no piles, furniture, nothing.  It's so simple.  It is now this place of total relaxation whenever I have a busy work week.  Everything in the Fought's house is a reflection of the things their family loves.  I've enjoyed watching this transformation for her and her family as a spectator, and I’ve really enjoyed watching the happiness it’s brought Sarah from a personal transformation.

 I've known Sarah for 13 years now, she is my soul mate.  After watching her go through this transition, I felt intrigued to pick up the book for myself this summer and see what the Konmari Method is really all about.

 After losing John, it became very clear that his physical possessions remained with me and our house.  I was left with many belongings that once served a purpose in our lives, yet now suddenly seemed lost to me.  The same smells, textures and sounds all still there, but with no physical presence of him.  I remember feeling surrounded by what felt like a ghost, a very heavy ghost.  A closet of clothes, electric shaver, work boots, a motor cycle, kayaks, mountain bikes, a tool shop, a car, a motor cycle, pictures, mini-projects half done and more.  I think the most painful part about those possessions were the smells.  I could bury my face in his shirts, or his bike helmet  and immediately feel as if I was resting against his chest and running my hands through his hair.  Those smells were like electric jolts to my heart.  It’s hard to even write about this.  My heart ached for those small recognitions of a life once real.

When I moved back to the east coast, I allowed the majority of these items to come with me.  I became a master of storage organization and placed the majority of his belongings in my basement in Fayetteville with the help of some incredible friends.  I even had our good friend Harrison unpack John’s clothes into the guest bedroom closet as if he was returning.  I know it sounds crazy reading it now, but this felt normal to me at the time.  I couldn’t accept a house with only my things, so I unpacked his as they were when we lived in Oregon.

I will tell you that as time has passed, I have slowly transformed my house and made it my own, but I can’t say that I’ve truly dealt with these things.  I’ve simply removed them from my sight down to the basement, and in some cases I’ve given things to friends or family, but not much.

I made the choice to test my heart last weekend and invited two friends that are bike mechanics in town to come over. John was in the middle of two bike projects when he died.  After reading Marie Kondo’s book, I decided  that I’d like to finish those projects and release these bikes that were once his to some of his closest friends who would love to ride them.  We pulled out two large totes of bike parts that I had carefully packaged up when I moved.  I hadn’t pulled any of them out since arriving to Fayetteville last summer.  I opened the boxes to show my friends the inventory I had.  I ran my hands over each item, removing it from the box and displaying it on the floor for my friends to observe.  I felt a blast of memories as I acknowledged these items.  So many nights of finding him in the garage working on a bike, totally content and happy.  I thought about all of our times mountain biking together and how much fun it was to watch him climb over huge boulders with his Santa Cruz and fly through every down hill with Jake galloping behind. My heart ached for a moment as I pictured him, but through the acknowledgement of these memories,  something really awesome started to happen.  I watched my friends begin to bring all the parts together that would allow this bike to be put back together.  They carefully handled each part, and before I knew it I watched them drive away with John’s bike.  In a few weeks, this project that John started will be completed.  I felt lighter as I watched this happen, I felt joy.  As if John was thanking me himself, as if the bike was thanking me for the purpose it would now serve.

The KonMari Method is about taking the time to truly acknowledge the things that you own and asking yourself a simple question.  “Does this spark joy?”  This method encourages the concept that we as humans truly do not need that much.  Allowing yourself to only own belongings that spark joy and serve a true purpose in your life, not only transforms your house, but it transforms your life through rediscovering who you are and the life you truly want to have.  For those items that don’t make the cut, you acknowledge them, you thank them for the purpose they once served, and you send them on a new journey.

"From the moment you start tidying, you will be compelled to reset your life.  As a result, your life will start to change.  The true goal should be to establish the lifestyle you want most once your house has been put in order."  Marie Kondo

The day of my wedding anniversary this past July, I sat quietly in my living room that morning and allowed myself to really consider a future without my husband for the first time.  I believe as a widow, you really start to come to this realization during the second year of grief  that this truly is your reality, they really are not coming back and you need to make some choices for yourself  and grab life by the balls.  What did I want my life to look like and how did I picture my life to come?    I’ve been surrounded by his things and OUR things for over a year now since his death, and I’ve continued to consider him when I think of decisions going forward.  Maybe because I still feel him everywhere.  “What would John do?”  When you are married, there really aren’t that many decisions that are independent from your spouse, at least not big ones.  I almost feel as if I’ve carried this concept forward even with him gone because I don’t have to really face my reality by considering him.

I thought about what my life has looked like since 3/9/14 and where my heart is in comparison to my brain.  I closed my eyes and allowed myself to  picture my life without him and what it may look like if I’m following my heart.  I saw the mountains, I saw the woods, I heard the river, I heard children laughing, I felt the silence, I heard the choir singing, I felt the drive for a career,  I felt new love that is different and still just as lovely.  I pictured a beautiful life. I have been praying for over a year now for an open heart, clarity, direction, new perspective.  But-I’m not sure if I’ve truly allowed myself to picture what that may look like, for that picture does not include John, another jolt to my heart.

“The question of what you want to own is actually the question of how you want to live your life.”  Marie Kondo

It’s time to breathe life into some of these dreams.  I believe that life starts with the woods and creating a place of zen for myself.  I decided this past week to purchase an acre here in the New River Gorge and build a small cottage that will be nestled among the trees.  My dreams are to build an eco-friendly small foot print home, where I am surrounded by woods, the sounds of the gorge and the trails.  If all goes well, we will start building in October.  I am really looking forward to this project and creating a home from the ground up that is a true reflection of the woman I am.

"Keep only the things that speak to your heart.  Then take the plunge and discard all the rest." Marie Kondo

With this project comes a challenging year of the Konmari Method that I plan to dive into, eyes and heart ahead.  I know in my heart that I can’t move forward with my dreams if I continue to hold on so tightly to my past.  I need to face each item, allow those feelings to surface regardless of the pain, acknowledge each item for what it has done for me and John, and let it go.  I want to move into my new home with only the things that spark joy and purpose in my life and let go of those items that don’t.  I believe it’s important to note that by doing this, I’m not leaving John behind.  I believe John is up ahead, living a new eternal life with new purpose.  Moving beyond his things not only honors him, it honors the woman that I am and the life I still have here.  I believe this choice is crucial to new joy, new life.   I believe practicing the Konmari Method will not only help me face my past, but it paves a way to my future.  For that alone, I am all in, I choose to breathe life into this dream.  

• 

Love Continues to Win

"My lover is mine and I am his.  Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my lover and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills.  All night long, I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him.  I will get up now and go about the city through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves.  So I looked for him but did not find him.  The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city.  'Have you seen the one my heart loves?'  Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves.  I held him and would not let him go until I brought him home.  Daughters, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."  Song of Songs 3:1-5

                                              

I think as a young widow, your wedding anniversary is the hardest mile stone to pass.  Just like last year around this time, I've been in a fairly dark place over the last three weeks, physically reacting to what I think is July 28th.  For an entire week I had a constant headache and would cry at a mere butterfly landing on my front porch.  Everything has made me think of him, continuing to ponder an unknown and disappeared future that was at one time real.  I know it sounds unproductive, but my mind goes to these places, especially during mile stones.  I have found this date to be harder than any other date.  His birthday, Christmas, even March 9th.  July 28th was the most remarkable day of my life, for it was the day I chose my family and committed my heart to John Duncan Wilburn.  It was the day a new life began, and I was excited.

The loss of John is different to so many people and milestones are different for each of them.  I would imagine for his parents it may be the day he was born and they held him for the first time.  For his grandparents I think it may be his time at Virginia Tech or the time they took him to Disney World as a young boy.  For his kayaking friends, it may be Gauley season, or every time they take a lap down the James.  For his co-workers it may the day he planted his trees.  His death even impacts many that never met him, but truly wish they had.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of how much this loss affects everyone, and how the pain is unique and significant for each person.

I'm finding this year to be a state of limbo, as if I am frozen in time.  I wouldn't say it is worse than 2014, it's simply different.   I'm at this place where I so want to move forward and feel things again, yet I am still so wrapped up in my love, as if he is returning.  I get tired of my pain at times, tired of the solitude. I watch so many close friends continue in their marriages, plan for families, find new experiences together, yet I feel frozen in this other place watching.  I can remember what that life was like, but I am not a part of that anymore which feels strange.  It's as if my brain and my heart can't find each other.  They are not on the same page.  I understand the facts of my reality and what this means for my future, yet my heart feels as if it is grasped around John's heart so tightly, begging for his return.  I can't seem to fully let go and I'm starting to wonder if that is even possible.  If that is the case, how does one create a new space for new love when their heart feels bound to someone else?  I haven't figured this one out yet.

 I let a good friend wrap his strong arms around me for the first time in 16 months.  I let him run his hands through my hair, I let him touch my face, I let him hold me close to his chest.  I let myself touch him back and wrap my arms around him, holding him close.  I've never let anyone do that since John.  I feel as if I've had cement walls around me since his death, afraid to consider anyone beyond him.  I wanted to remember how it felt to simply be touched and held again.  I wanted to feel something, anything.  It was beautiful and heart breaking at the same time.  To know I could allow myself to go there, yet to also know these strong arms and steady heart beat  wrapped all around me don't belong to John left me in limbo.  I felt alive and dead at the same time.  I wanted to laugh and cry in unison.  I wanted to scream and beat my arms against his chest in protest, yet hold my friend close and remember I'm alive through his touch.  This space is strange and confusing, exciting and devastating, wonderful and empty, all at the same time.

I went to church this past Sunday in Fayetteville.  I've been feeling a strong urge to go lately, so I decided to try out this small Methodist church in down town.   As soon as I walked through the doors I had people approaching me and welcoming me to the service.  I've never been greeted in a church so warmly as I was here.  Even the pastor came down from the pulpit, walked right up to my pew and greeted me.  I felt completely at peace in a crowd of strangers, as if I was home.  The pastor spoke about the importance of creating a space of rest.  She talked about the need for us to be OK with quietness and allowing yourself to pause in prayer, allowing the holy spirit to speak to you.  By going to those places of rest and solitude, we are better prepared to serve our purpose here on earth and help those around us, love those around us.  Jesus did this in order to heal others and encouraged his disciples to do the same.  We become our best selves through the art of meditation, silence and rest.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about this chapter of life I've found myself in over the last few months.  Why am I in this place of  limbo as I pass this mile stone?  Listening to this message this past Sunday quietly, I felt as if God was speaking directly to my heart.  I believe I am in this place of  stillness so I can fully become aware of God's presence in my life and his continuous grace.  I believe he needs my attention, my time, my awareness of his light in my heart so that I can help others, love others, and better serve his purpose for me, whatever that may be.  It is through this silence that I am discovering this new woman in me.

  I wrote about what it means to me to be a Christian to a good friend a few weeks ago.  This was the first time I've ever tried to explain my faith to someone.  I found myself having a similar conversation with one of my closest friends on our way back from the river the other day.   To be completely honest, I am hesitant at times to tell others of my Christianity, simply because there are so many "Christians"  that have corrupted God's love for our world.  Threats of hell, constant reminders of our brokenness, and this arrogance that everyone else is wrong.  It's gross and disappointing.  I've wondered lately if I'm a mixture of Christian and Buddhist.  I believe all spirituality is important when  it drives us to love ourselves and each other.  I read some scripture before the service started on Sunday and found my hands resting on this verse as I flipped through the pages.

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice.  And his peace will be with you."  Philippians 4:8

What I said to both of these people I care about is this. It is so hard to try and explain to someone that what I believe in  I can't see or prove to you, yet I feel completely confident in it's truth through my heart.  I have no facts to back up my faith.  All I can tell you is that my heart feels completely warm in the midst of complete pain.  I feel lighter, I feel carried and protected, I feel incredible love for something big in my heart that is growing.  I believe that suffering is a part of the human experience that everyone will go through at some point, more than once.  I believe joy is also a part of this.  I believe how we walk through those experiences shapes our spirit. and determines our future.  I believe God can do things beyond our imagination if we simply trust him not just in joy, but in our darkest moments.  I feel as if I am heading home some day, to a place I have always belonged where there is no pain, no sickness, but complete peace and light.  A place where the unseen becomes seen.   I believe my time here now is meant to make a difference through love that I believe comes from the grace of my creator.  I believe the warmth in my heart is a small glimpse of what is to come.  This choice to believe God comes from a place I cannot see, I can only feel and trust.

My wedding day and my marriage to my sweet John was lovely.  It was true.  It was noble.  It was praiseworthy.  I believe that regardless of how short ours was, I had a wonderful man that chose me as I chose him.  We found each other in this chaotic world  that we live in.  To give your heart to another person the way you do on your wedding day is precious.  I hope all those that are married and reading this, those that are considering marriage and are reading this, remember how incredible that gift is, how fragile life can be, and chose to reflect on the lovely things always, allow love to win.  I have learned that nothing is permanent, and the flesh will fail us at some point.  Yet, to think of those lovely things, to chose gratitude for that love and reflect on that season of joy opens up the door to God's peace and complete grace through pain.  

So I will continue through this chapter of limbo as I pass this mile stone.  I will continue to seek my resting place and solitude among the mountains and allow God to unfold my heart, shape and mold me.  I believe so much of my life to come depends on this time right now, this chapter.  I believe love will come again when it so desires, not a minute early or late.  While I look forward to that day, I feel eager to know my creator more, to understand my purpose and how deep this relationship with God can go, to love my friendships and family, to love the woman I am becoming.  I'll allow love to continue to win.