"Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion. Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, everlasting joy will be theirs." Isaiah 61:7
My thoughts led to these words the other day while on a quiet hike with my dogs. Grace, mercy, restoration, peace, light, joy, wisdom, elevation, forgiveness, consciousness, soul mate, soul recognition, knowledge, reincarnation, God. As I walked in the misty rain, I smiled at the recognition that the heart can grow bigger. It can create new space that can blend just perfectly with both the past and present.
I admit that I never believed this before. Being married to John felt like a heart explosion. It felt as if his heart beat for both of us. I identified my marriage as my soul recognition of love and all it entailed. My past, present and my future were all completely wrapped in this union with him. I knew nothing beyond that. I am a believer that the physical heart can recognize and react to deep physical pain, and incredible joy. One can physically feel the effects of deep grief, and the result of great happiness. Our hearts are incredible machines and we can feel it all.
It has been over 2 years since losing my husband. There isn't a day that passes where my heart doesn't ache and miss him deeply. I see pictures like this and feel sometimes like the wind has been knocked out of me. He was so young and so vibrant and I can't help but wonder where life would have taken him if he was still here.
Loss this big is with you forever. The ache never leaves and it must be managed daily. I believe that some people walk through this kind of pain more seamlessly than others because of a willingness to live presently and the recognition of how big God really is. I believe that the choice to consider this bigger picture leads to peace, new joy, a higher level of consciousness.
I've seen some wear John's death like a black shawl. His death infused in them so deeply that they have spiraled into a place that is so dark with no hope and no love. The ability to love themselves seizes. We can only grow and heal if we want to, if we choose to, if we ask. I believe some would rather sit in their grief until their last breath then choose the harder path of considering a bigger picture and purpose. Considering how John lived and what truly honors the life he had and our role in that now, while we are still here. All they know is their physical pain, they can't see beyond it, maybe they don't want to.
"Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." Zechariah 9:12
I am 32 years old, and I think I am just now really starting to understand how big God really is. How endless this love is and how there is nothing in the world that can separate us from this kind of love. Nothing. God mentions over 10 times throughout scripture that he will restore double to those that have suffered yet turn to him. These testimonies are stories of loss, incredible pain, brokenness, all turned to joy with trust in a bigger picture, restored double for what was lost.
"The Lord restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the Lord increased all that Job had twofold." Job 42:10
I look at Tristan every morning and feel once again that my heart may explode. I feel as if love just radiates throughout Tristan, and I feel God's love whenever I am with him. I feel restoration, peace, forgiveness, joy. I believe in soul recognition and that certain hearts are simply drawn to one another because this isn't our first rodeo. I feel as if I've known Tristan for years the same way I felt as if I had known John when we met.
God shows me through Tristan that the heart can grow bigger, the heart can love again. That each love is different, yet can be just as powerful. I look at Tristan and see this incredible heart that seems to love me no matter what. He brings out new strengths, new perspective, a new level of consciousness that leads to a higher knowledge of God. When he really looks at me, I almost feel as if I can see my husband through him. This recognition and reminder that I am a woman to be loved and to never forget that.
Two weeks before John passed, he looked at me one night over dinner and said, "Erin, you realize that you are capable of loving more than one person. The heart is capable of many great loves." It was so odd to me at the time that he said this to me. I think about those words now and my mind is blown. I look at Tristan and I remember those words.
I look at Tristan, I walk quietly in the woods, I see a house being built, a career growing, my family and friends, this unexplainable stability, and I feel the incredible love of my husband and the unconditional endless love of God.
I believe we have been here before, and we will be here again. I believe we are here to learn, to serve, to forgive and love, and to recognize the importance of the presence. I believe the soul is timeless and eternal. I believe that only in the flesh can we harbor hate, grudges, the inability to forgive, rage. Yet if we can choose to consider what is beyond us, if we can reach this new level of consciousness, this recognition of our creator and how big that love really is, we can truly see our purpose.
I believe within these choices, we feel God's love, we gain double restoration.
