"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, it’s jealousy unyielding to the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would utterly be scorned.” Song of Songs 8:6-7
I got my first tattoo about a month ago in Richmond, Virginia. About a year after John died I decided I wanted a particular design that I couldn't seem to get out of my head. I asked my sister Lizzie to design it. The first drawing she gave to me I knew immediately I wanted it for life. Right around the two year anniversary of John's death, Lizzie, Luke and I made our way to Loose Screw Tattoo in trendy Cary town where one very talented tattoo artist drew a beautiful heron on my back with the saying below: “Raya, Ahava, Dod.”
I started seeing blue
herons shortly after John died. It’s not
that I didn’t see them before, but the way I saw these beautiful birds was noticeably different after March 9th.
The first time I got back into my kayak and paddled the Rogue river with
my buddy Lisa, a beautiful heron followed us the entire stretch of the
river. It’s hard for me to explain, but
I had a deep feeling that day that John was there, letting his presence be
known through this beautiful bird. As time passed, it seemed that during
some of my darkest moments I would see a heron and each time a sense
of peace would wash over me. I’ve heard
of this happening to others who have lost loved ones. Some saw deer, some saw rainbows, heart
shaped rocks, feathers. Regardless of what truly
happens after we are gone, I believe that energy doesn't die, and energy can be
seen and expressed through many forms. While
we can’t prove the significance of these appearances, we can simply feel it and
trust that there is so much more beyond
our present existence.
According to the Native American culture, if you read about
the blue heron, heron’s represent self reliance and self determination. Heron’s
represent the ability to progress and
evolve. The tall skinny legs show us
that one doesn’t need strong pillars to stand independently, but every
individual in this world must be able to stand on their own two feet. It’s interesting to me that I started seeing
heron’s after John died, for he always pushed me to do things myself and not always rely on him for help.
Over the last two years, I've come to understand that the best marriage is one where two
people recognize that love for one’s self, love for our individual purpose in
this world, love for our creator is what leads to deep incredible love for each
other. It is the recognition that our
time here is temporary, so choosing to stay present with each other, and
respecting each other’s individual purpose in this world brings out a wonderful
partnership. If we can’t stand on our
own feet and love ourselves and who we really are separate from our spouse, we
develop co-dependency. We identify
ourselves solely in our partner which leads to idolization of our loved one and
placing them above all. “I wouldn’t be
able to live without you.” “You are my
heart.” “You complete me.” “I’ve lost
myself in you.” I’ve heard these
statements from so many throughout my life, from myself as well. This is dangerous for putting this kind of
pressure and reliance on the flesh is impossible.
I believe I could have been a better wife had
I understood what it meant to choose self-love first. I could have loved John even more than I
already did. Seeing these beautiful
herons and reflecting on what they represent has led me to truly reflect on where
we could have been better as a team. Where I could
have encouraged this individual purpose in him. I believe I chose full reliance on him for my own happiness instead of independent love for myself. I understand this now. The heron
on my back is a reminder to remember our marriage both for better and
for worse. The heron reminds me to stand
on my own two feet and to always remember my individual purpose in this world
and love for myself and my creator first
so I can be a great partner to someone else. The heron reminds me of John's self-drive and determination and his belief in me to be a strong woman that can stand independently from him, yet still love him fiercely.
The saying below the heron is this: "Raya, Ahava, Dod." These three words represent the three Hebrew
words for love. My favorite scripture
throughout the bible comes from Song of Songs.
It’s nothing like anything else in the bible. It’s like reading beautiful poetry between
two lovers. It’s a representation of
unconditional love between two people.
Song of Songs is where I learned about the trinity of love. Some refer to this as the three flames of
love.
Raya means Friendship.
This is a friend, a companion, your "soul mate.” Your spouse is your best friend. Marriage starts with a deep friendship that
only grows over time.
Ahava means deep affection and commitment. This is a desire that feels like an explosion
in your heart. A drive to be with a
person so much that your heart literally aches with joy. It is a love that is much more profound than
fleeting romantic feelings. It is a
desire that is so strong that it leads people to choose to join their lives
together forever. Ahava is what makes
love for each other last through the toughest times. It is the commitment involved in making a
relationship work. Ahava represents
loves as a choice.
Dod means passion. These
are the romantic feelings, the complete intimacy and magnetic attraction
between two people. The kind of physical
contact that can almost feel electrical.
Like you fit perfectly with that other person and your bodies just connect.
These three flames must burn together in a marriage and
balance one another. When these are out
of balance or one is missing, you see relationships fail. While Dod can feel amazing and Dod may be
what initially attracts us to someone, two people that only achieve Dod have a
relationship that typically fades quickly.
We were not meant to only connect through sex. The truth, when Raya and Ahava are present in
the relationship, the Dod can be mind blowing.
Dod without deeper connection can feel empty. You can see the other part of this in
relationships too. There are couples
that have been together for 30-40 years.
Raya and parts of Ahava are there.
They have known each other for years and are committed to the
relationship, but the passion, the Dod is gone. Two
have become roommates over time.
I believe that marriage is understanding this trinity and
it's crucial balance in the days, and hopefully years to come. Every day is a
choice to balance these three flames together and to recognize when things are
out of balance, choosing to work together through transparency and encouraging self-love in each other so you are the best version of yourselves in the relationship.
These three flames represent what I will always have with
John. These words also speak truth to
what I believe in for my future. What I want and believe in for my current relationship. When
two people can achieve this kind of balanced love, it goes far beyond the
grave. Our souls are connected beyond
our flesh. For magnetic energy between
two people does not die, it lives on.
I love my new body art. As odd as it may sound, I even loved the physical pain of getting it. It felt as if the pain was a reminder of how far I have come, yet also a reminder to never forget where I came from and how I have been carried. It reminds me of the gratitude I owe to my creator, my family and friends for continuing to support and love me unconditionally. It's a statement of respect towards my past and truth towards my future. It is a representation of my belief that we are all here to love and will continue to love well beyond our flesh, well beyond our grave, so love really is the best choice we can all make.
I don't know if this will be my first and only piece of body art, but regardless I am so happy I now have it and for the experience of getting it.
