Lean In

"And me, I remain alone.  Entangled in my love affair with solitude."  Natalia Crow

I get a lot of phone calls throughout the week from different people at work.  Part of my job consist of giving guidance, direction and recommendations to people every single day.  I received a phone call  last Monday with what I thought would be a typical work day question.  Instead, this individual started the question with, “Well, it’s personal.”  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  He wanted to know how I spend so much time alone.  How is it possible to be alone, yet not feel completely lonely and depressed he asked. I have to admit, his question stunned me at first, no one has ever asked me that before.  I briefly wondered if my aloneness was apparent to him.  I also inappropriately laughed, but then realized he was serious and wanted some guidance.  My quick response was to make him laugh by telling him to get off his butt and get involved in the community he lives in.  Take action.  Throw yourself into something.  My advice for the day completed.

Oddly, I found myself going back to his question throughout this past week, wondering what circumstances led him to needing guidance.  What did the bigger picture entail for him?  The more I considered his question, I found myself considering two additional questions. Do you like who you are?  Do you enjoy hanging out with you? 

Continuing to work through the Konmari method, I believe I’ve been asked to take a deep look at myself and all that creates me.  It may seem odd, but I’ve found myself becoming more aware of my body and what an incredible machine it is.  Thanking my hands for the constant work they do, appreciating how quickly they work.  Thanking my feet for carrying me every single day.  Thankful for my health, my physical strength, my freckles that define my face.  We are with ourselves every day, every second.  We are our most consistent presence.  Our bodies work so hard to support us and I’m realizing how much it goes unnoticed.  It is the most valuable thing we will ever own out right. It is given to us the day we are born.  Our most present and consistent  physical possession.  With something that valuable, are we happy with it?

I think we as human’s naturally put full reliance into other human’s which is dangerous.  I am guilty of this human reliance.  I did this with John.  It wasn’t until after he was gone that I felt the need to face those two questions, when really I should have faced them years and years ago before entering into any deep love for someone else.  When we are in a relationship, we don’t always take a hard look at ourselves, our interest, our dreams, what our bodies are doing.  We are a part of someone else, everything is WE.  We become reliant to a fault.   I seem to now notice this more than ever with couples all the time.  This constant reliance on each other as a way to survive in this world.  As a way to feel happy, to be complete.

 In this new chapter of my life, there are many things I must do for myself that John may have done in the past.  There is no man to carry my bags, help me put my luggage in the overhead compartment, change my headlights,  reach that one thing I’m too short to grab, fix my bike, throw my kayak on the car, make dinner for me.  If I don’t do them or pay someone to do them they won’t happen.  We put so much stock and need into others, yet we are all so easily disposable, all withering away on different time tables.  Maybe it sounds morbid for me to say that, but it’s true.  So why do we do that when we have the hard facts?  Why is the thought of being alone with ourselves so frightening at times? 

Shortly after John died, I found myself having anxiety after work and on Friday afternoon when the weekend was approaching.  Most people rejoice when they get off work, I found myself completely dreading it without John.   It was like I was afraid of me, afraid of having to face me and spend time with me.  I didn’t want to spend time with myself or listen.  I just wanted a constant distraction, someone to rely on, someone to spend time with.  I sure as hell didn’t want me.  I think it’s why widows and widowers or those going through divorce or a broken relationship tend to jump too quickly into another relationship, later to find that it fails because it was simply a distraction from yourself.  When I moved to Fayetteville last July, I met a guy that was incredibly friendly and charming, giving me a huge welcome to the small town I chose as home.  I found myself spending more and more time with him and at one point I thought I actually felt more than just a friendship for him.   The conversation flowed so easily and he was the first stranger I really spoke to about John.  Needless to say, one night my need for distraction caught up with me.  I became confused and extremely depressed.  My desire to spend time with him had everything to do with how much I ached for John.  I poured my time into hanging out with him because I didn’t want to feel my loss, my pain.  I didn’t want the silence.  I didn’t want to consider the details of my relationship with John, the good and the bad.  I wanted none of that. Choices like that aren’t sustainable and people get hurt that way.   I hurt him through my own fear of aloneness.  I used him to fill an impossible void that no human could fill. 

The last 20 months I’ve taken a hard look at me, the woman I am, the woman I’ve found, and have asked myself that simple question.  Do I like me?  Do I like hanging out with just me? I believe our ability to answer these questions comfortably can define our human experience here on earth.  Answering these questions requires an acceptance of solitude.  It requires us to tap into the silence and listen to our own vibrant thoughts.  These questions ask us to remove the distractions, remove the quick fixes, the cheap thrills, and to spend time with us in all our thoughts, our pains, our dreams.

 I enjoy pouring a glass of wine, making myself dinner and watching an episode of The Walking Dead.   I can laugh pretty hard  by myself at something silly at least once a day.  I enjoy sitting in my lounge chair and reading a mystery thriller.  I love walking through the woods with Jake while listening to a sermon from my church in Grants Pass.  I’ve taught myself to  play the guitar and change my own mountain bike tires.  Cooking is a true passion of mine.  I’m a neat freak and am totally OK with it even though I believe it is border line obsessive compulsive disorder.  I dance to Beyonce a lot.  I truly enjoy reading scripture every morning.  I day dream about personal business ideas.  I believe my passion falls in the form of outdoors, leadership and project management, just not sure how to pull those together yet.  Mountain biking is the best physical release for me and kayaking is different now and I’m accepting that.  I love the comfort of my home and simply being in it.  Writing is a true grief release for me.  These are just a few of many things I’ve discovered through my solitude.  Through getting to know me.

Learning to love me goes deeper though.  As a believer in a loving higher power, the last 20 months for me has been learning to listen to his spirit that lives within me. To acknowledge this presence through everything, both simple and complex.  Having gratitude for the many blessings in my life, not the pain.  Acknowledging his work every day whether it was a safe drive, a good night sleep, a productive day at work, a phone call from a friend, extra strength.  I’ve learned that love for oneself allows you to give genuine love to others.  It allows you to help others that need you.  It grows something soft in you that allows compassion and empathy to come forward.  Truly loving yourself also lets you know in your gut when you’re wrong, when you're judging, when you’re hurting others.  Love for yourself shows you that you don't need a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend for survival or for completeness.  Instead, loving yourself makes those relationships with others the strongest and healthiest they will ever be.  It makes you genuinely want it, not simply need it out of fear of being alone.

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect loves drives out fear."  1 John 4:18

So if I could truly answer my co-worker and friend’s question, I believe I would answer it with another question.  Have you gotten to know you and the incredible love the universe has for you?  For that love is indefinite, it is not fading, it will be with you beyond any human experience.  So lean into the solitude and silence and spend time with you.