"My lover is mine and I am his. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my lover and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills. All night long, I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. 'Have you seen the one my heart loves?' Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go until I brought him home. Daughters, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Songs 3:1-5
I think as a young widow, your wedding anniversary is the hardest mile stone to pass. Just like last year around this time, I've been in a fairly dark place over the last three weeks, physically reacting to what I think is July 28th. For an entire week I had a constant headache and would cry at a mere butterfly landing on my front porch. Everything has made me think of him, continuing to ponder an unknown and disappeared future that was at one time real. I know it sounds unproductive, but my mind goes to these places, especially during mile stones. I have found this date to be harder than any other date. His birthday, Christmas, even March 9th. July 28th was the most remarkable day of my life, for it was the day I chose my family and committed my heart to John Duncan Wilburn. It was the day a new life began, and I was excited.
The loss of John is different to so many people and milestones are different for each of them. I would imagine for his parents it may be the day he was born and they held him for the first time. For his grandparents I think it may be his time at Virginia Tech or the time they took him to Disney World as a young boy. For his kayaking friends, it may be Gauley season, or every time they take a lap down the James. For his co-workers it may the day he planted his trees. His death even impacts many that never met him, but truly wish they had. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of how much this loss affects everyone, and how the pain is unique and significant for each person.
I'm finding this year to be a state of limbo, as if I am frozen in time. I wouldn't say it is worse than 2014, it's simply different. I'm at this place where I so want to move forward and feel things again, yet I am still so wrapped up in my love, as if he is returning. I get tired of my pain at times, tired of the solitude. I watch so many close friends continue in their marriages, plan for families, find new experiences together, yet I feel frozen in this other place watching. I can remember what that life was like, but I am not a part of that anymore which feels strange. It's as if my brain and my heart can't find each other. They are not on the same page. I understand the facts of my reality and what this means for my future, yet my heart feels as if it is grasped around John's heart so tightly, begging for his return. I can't seem to fully let go and I'm starting to wonder if that is even possible. If that is the case, how does one create a new space for new love when their heart feels bound to someone else? I haven't figured this one out yet.
I let a good friend wrap his strong arms around me for the first time in 16 months. I let him run his hands through my hair, I let him touch my face, I let him hold me close to his chest. I let myself touch him back and wrap my arms around him, holding him close. I've never let anyone do that since John. I feel as if I've had cement walls around me since his death, afraid to consider anyone beyond him. I wanted to remember how it felt to simply be touched and held again. I wanted to feel something, anything. It was beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. To know I could allow myself to go there, yet to also know these strong arms and steady heart beat wrapped all around me don't belong to John left me in limbo. I felt alive and dead at the same time. I wanted to laugh and cry in unison. I wanted to scream and beat my arms against his chest in protest, yet hold my friend close and remember I'm alive through his touch. This space is strange and confusing, exciting and devastating, wonderful and empty, all at the same time.
I went to church this past Sunday in Fayetteville. I've been feeling a strong urge to go lately, so I decided to try out this small Methodist church in down town. As soon as I walked through the doors I had people approaching me and welcoming me to the service. I've never been greeted in a church so warmly as I was here. Even the pastor came down from the pulpit, walked right up to my pew and greeted me. I felt completely at peace in a crowd of strangers, as if I was home. The pastor spoke about the importance of creating a space of rest. She talked about the need for us to be OK with quietness and allowing yourself to pause in prayer, allowing the holy spirit to speak to you. By going to those places of rest and solitude, we are better prepared to serve our purpose here on earth and help those around us, love those around us. Jesus did this in order to heal others and encouraged his disciples to do the same. We become our best selves through the art of meditation, silence and rest.
I went to church this past Sunday in Fayetteville. I've been feeling a strong urge to go lately, so I decided to try out this small Methodist church in down town. As soon as I walked through the doors I had people approaching me and welcoming me to the service. I've never been greeted in a church so warmly as I was here. Even the pastor came down from the pulpit, walked right up to my pew and greeted me. I felt completely at peace in a crowd of strangers, as if I was home. The pastor spoke about the importance of creating a space of rest. She talked about the need for us to be OK with quietness and allowing yourself to pause in prayer, allowing the holy spirit to speak to you. By going to those places of rest and solitude, we are better prepared to serve our purpose here on earth and help those around us, love those around us. Jesus did this in order to heal others and encouraged his disciples to do the same. We become our best selves through the art of meditation, silence and rest.
I've been thinking a lot lately about this chapter of life I've found myself in over the last few months. Why am I in this place of limbo as I pass this mile stone? Listening to this message this past Sunday quietly, I felt as if God was speaking directly to my heart. I believe I am in this place of stillness so I can fully become aware of God's presence in my life and his continuous grace. I believe he needs my attention, my time, my awareness of his light in my heart so that I can help others, love others, and better serve his purpose for me, whatever that may be. It is through this silence that I am discovering this new woman in me.
I wrote about what it means to me to be a Christian to a good friend a few weeks ago. This was the first time I've ever tried to explain my faith to someone. I found myself having a similar conversation with one of my closest friends on our way back from the river the other day. To be completely honest, I am hesitant at times to tell others of my Christianity, simply because there are so many "Christians" that have corrupted God's love for our world. Threats of hell, constant reminders of our brokenness, and this arrogance that everyone else is wrong. It's gross and disappointing. I've wondered lately if I'm a mixture of Christian and Buddhist. I believe all spirituality is important when it drives us to love ourselves and each other. I read some scripture before the service started on Sunday and found my hands resting on this verse as I flipped through the pages.
"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And his peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8
What I said to both of these people I care about is this. It is so hard to try and explain to someone that what I believe in I can't see or prove to you, yet I feel completely confident in it's truth through my heart. I have no facts to back up my faith. All I can tell you is that my heart feels completely warm in the midst of complete pain. I feel lighter, I feel carried and protected, I feel incredible love for something big in my heart that is growing. I believe that suffering is a part of the human experience that everyone will go through at some point, more than once. I believe joy is also a part of this. I believe how we walk through those experiences shapes our spirit. and determines our future. I believe God can do things beyond our imagination if we simply trust him not just in joy, but in our darkest moments. I feel as if I am heading home some day, to a place I have always belonged where there is no pain, no sickness, but complete peace and light. A place where the unseen becomes seen. I believe my time here now is meant to make a difference through love that I believe comes from the grace of my creator. I believe the warmth in my heart is a small glimpse of what is to come. This choice to believe God comes from a place I cannot see, I can only feel and trust.
My wedding day and my marriage to my sweet John was lovely. It was true. It was noble. It was praiseworthy. I believe that regardless of how short ours was, I had a wonderful man that chose me as I chose him. We found each other in this chaotic world that we live in. To give your heart to another person the way you do on your wedding day is precious. I hope all those that are married and reading this, those that are considering marriage and are reading this, remember how incredible that gift is, how fragile life can be, and chose to reflect on the lovely things always, allow love to win. I have learned that nothing is permanent, and the flesh will fail us at some point. Yet, to think of those lovely things, to chose gratitude for that love and reflect on that season of joy opens up the door to God's peace and complete grace through pain.
So I will continue through this chapter of limbo as I pass this mile stone. I will continue to seek my resting place and solitude among the mountains and allow God to unfold my heart, shape and mold me. I believe so much of my life to come depends on this time right now, this chapter. I believe love will come again when it so desires, not a minute early or late. While I look forward to that day, I feel eager to know my creator more, to understand my purpose and how deep this relationship with God can go, to love my friendships and family, to love the woman I am becoming. I'll allow love to continue to win.
I wrote about what it means to me to be a Christian to a good friend a few weeks ago. This was the first time I've ever tried to explain my faith to someone. I found myself having a similar conversation with one of my closest friends on our way back from the river the other day. To be completely honest, I am hesitant at times to tell others of my Christianity, simply because there are so many "Christians" that have corrupted God's love for our world. Threats of hell, constant reminders of our brokenness, and this arrogance that everyone else is wrong. It's gross and disappointing. I've wondered lately if I'm a mixture of Christian and Buddhist. I believe all spirituality is important when it drives us to love ourselves and each other. I read some scripture before the service started on Sunday and found my hands resting on this verse as I flipped through the pages.
"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And his peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8
What I said to both of these people I care about is this. It is so hard to try and explain to someone that what I believe in I can't see or prove to you, yet I feel completely confident in it's truth through my heart. I have no facts to back up my faith. All I can tell you is that my heart feels completely warm in the midst of complete pain. I feel lighter, I feel carried and protected, I feel incredible love for something big in my heart that is growing. I believe that suffering is a part of the human experience that everyone will go through at some point, more than once. I believe joy is also a part of this. I believe how we walk through those experiences shapes our spirit. and determines our future. I believe God can do things beyond our imagination if we simply trust him not just in joy, but in our darkest moments. I feel as if I am heading home some day, to a place I have always belonged where there is no pain, no sickness, but complete peace and light. A place where the unseen becomes seen. I believe my time here now is meant to make a difference through love that I believe comes from the grace of my creator. I believe the warmth in my heart is a small glimpse of what is to come. This choice to believe God comes from a place I cannot see, I can only feel and trust.
My wedding day and my marriage to my sweet John was lovely. It was true. It was noble. It was praiseworthy. I believe that regardless of how short ours was, I had a wonderful man that chose me as I chose him. We found each other in this chaotic world that we live in. To give your heart to another person the way you do on your wedding day is precious. I hope all those that are married and reading this, those that are considering marriage and are reading this, remember how incredible that gift is, how fragile life can be, and chose to reflect on the lovely things always, allow love to win. I have learned that nothing is permanent, and the flesh will fail us at some point. Yet, to think of those lovely things, to chose gratitude for that love and reflect on that season of joy opens up the door to God's peace and complete grace through pain.
So I will continue through this chapter of limbo as I pass this mile stone. I will continue to seek my resting place and solitude among the mountains and allow God to unfold my heart, shape and mold me. I believe so much of my life to come depends on this time right now, this chapter. I believe love will come again when it so desires, not a minute early or late. While I look forward to that day, I feel eager to know my creator more, to understand my purpose and how deep this relationship with God can go, to love my friendships and family, to love the woman I am becoming. I'll allow love to continue to win.
Thank you. Thank you a million times for sharing this post. This post has only made me braver and bolder. I have a dynamic group of friends and a few that have had a similar loss like mine but no shares the kind of pain you have described on this blog and now looking back my first few years of grief were so acute; I felt abnormal and was never brave enough to share with people that I use to cry once December hit and all the way up to my Birthday. The anticipation of my birthday was always so piercing; it often felt like I was I was torn from someone's womb so I would cry and cry but as I continue to work through my grief; my birthday has gotten better even though it bears it's own challenges every year; I can now say that I am grieving in a more balanced way. The pain is less daunting than what it was during my first few years of grieving ...
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