Proverbs 31

“A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.  She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.  She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.  She gets up while it is still dark, she provides food for her family.  She considers a field and buys it, out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.  She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong from her tasks.  She sees that her trading is profitable and her lamp does not go out at night.  In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.  She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.  When it snows, she has no fear for her household, for all of them are clothed in scarlet.  She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.  Her husband is respected at the city gate where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.  She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.  She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.  Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”  Proverbs 31

I took some time off work this past week to adventure in the beautiful fall mountains with my friend Jared Sandeen.  Jared flew in from Oregon just like last year to spend a week with me.  I have to admit I was a bit nervous about seeing him, simply because he reminds me so much of my past.  His presence seems to catapult me into remembering everything about my time in Oregon with John.

Jared and I spent what felt like 24 hours of hell together on March 9^th.  It was scary, exhausting, and felt completely desperate at the time.  When search and rescue gave up we stayed out there for hours in the rain, just the two of us, searching for him.  I can remember being soaking wet and just driving down washed out road after road screaming for him, honking the horn and waiting quietly for anything.  I can remember having Jared walk me through the last thing he remembered on the river probably 100 times, hoping his story would change or there would be some light bulb that gave us hope.  Each time I would ask, he would walk me through it again with complete patience.  Waiting for the inevitable is probably one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.  Looking back I am so grateful that Jared was with me during this wait.  He was so calm and stoic, but I know he felt completely desperate inside as well, yet he remained strong for me. 

 I remember fleeing the gorge the moment John was found and wanting to be no where near the rescue scene.  I could not bear the thought or experience of seeing him like that at the time. So, while another good friend drove me quickly out of there, Jared had to do the unthinkable with some other friends and bring John out of that river.  We spent some time talking about this experience over the last week, reliving it to an extent and remembering how far we’ve come both separately and together as friends over the last year.  Neither one of us can seem to get through remembering those 24 hours without heavy tears.  Jared told me that he remembered a moment where he was literally climbing over bushes and falling through them every few feet  while searching for him.  He said he looked up into the gorge at one point just feeling defeated and exhausted..  He said something happened in that moment where he just knew that John was with him and it felt completely peaceful.  He said he knew right then that John was gone but also felt as if he was telling Jared its OK.  Shortly after this moment, Jared found him. 

For as long as I live, I will always remember what Jared and those other kayakers did for John.  I won’t forget what they had to go through, the risk they had to take and how incredibly respectful each of them were about the situation.  They are my hero's and always will be.

Those 24 hours on March 9^th became the start of what I believe is a deep spiritual connection with my friend Jared that has only grown stronger as time has passed.  Jared shares the same love for God that I do and in many ways has been a spiritual leader for me over the past 19 months.  I think when you go through a deep loss, it’s important to have a partner through that pain that shares your spirituality, regardless of what you believe.  For me, that is Christianity with Jared but, I think this is important regardless of any religion.  Jared is not only someone that inspires me through his love for God, but he challenges me to go deeper into my faith through prayer, daily acknowledgement of his presence all around us and to read his words.  I look back over Jared’s place in my life over the last 19 months and it is no coincidence that he was with John before John left this world.  Jared is exactly who was supposed to be there because of the role he’d play in my life. 

We spent time mountain biking some of John’s favorite trails across Virginia, and kayaking his favorite rivers together.  Jared spent time with John’s grand parents, he visited John’s resting place, he made time for John’s closest friends.  He soaked in the impact John had and the people he surrounded himself with and he adventured and prayed with me every day.  It was a great week.  

Jared told me before he left that I am a Proverbs 31 woman and that he felt grateful to be a witness to my life now and where I’ve gone over the last 19 months.  I spent time reading this scripture this morning  as I fly to the mid west for work this week and reflected on our time together. 

I think about so many people as I read this scripture that have lifted me up over the last 19 months.  Those that have challenged me to stand up; embrace the pain but don’t loathe in self-pity; be a strong woman who can stand on her own feet; make independent decisions and honor John by moving forward.  If I am a woman that will ever reflect this scripture, I can promise you it isn’t happening on my strength alone.  It’s people like Jared and so many others that petition for me, lift me up every day and remind me that they didn’t forget.  People like Jared that put their own pain to the side and took on the weight of mine.  With great loss, I think it is important to remember those that are still here that bear my cross with me and take on that burden with me every day.  If I am a Proverbs 31 woman, it is only because of my creator and those he works through to strengthen me.  God is so good.

So with that I will say thank you Jared for your incredible friendship and faith in me.  I know we will laugh together at the days to come, into old age, into eternity where our good friend John awaits us with another great adventure.