Breathe Life to this Dream

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life.  And see if I could not learn what it had to teach and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."  Thoreau

I recently just finished reading a book written by a woman named Marie Kondo.  "The Life-changing  magic of tidying up-the Japanese art of decluttering."  My best friend Sarah Fought read this same book shortly after John passed.   I stay with Sarah, her husband Ricky and their 2-year old Henry Hollis whenever I work in Richmond.  Each time I've stayed with them, their house seems to become  more and more transformed.  I would describe it as lighter, purposeful, as if you were on vacation somewhere.  I told Sarah the last time I was there that her house feels just "zen" to me, as if I’m going to yoga or a massage. My room that I stay in at the Foughts always has a lovely arrangement of flowers from their yard, a comfortable bed and fresh towels.  These are the only things there awaiting me, no piles, furniture, nothing.  It's so simple.  It is now this place of total relaxation whenever I have a busy work week.  Everything in the Fought's house is a reflection of the things their family loves.  I've enjoyed watching this transformation for her and her family as a spectator, and I’ve really enjoyed watching the happiness it’s brought Sarah from a personal transformation.

 I've known Sarah for 13 years now, she is my soul mate.  After watching her go through this transition, I felt intrigued to pick up the book for myself this summer and see what the Konmari Method is really all about.

 After losing John, it became very clear that his physical possessions remained with me and our house.  I was left with many belongings that once served a purpose in our lives, yet now suddenly seemed lost to me.  The same smells, textures and sounds all still there, but with no physical presence of him.  I remember feeling surrounded by what felt like a ghost, a very heavy ghost.  A closet of clothes, electric shaver, work boots, a motor cycle, kayaks, mountain bikes, a tool shop, a car, a motor cycle, pictures, mini-projects half done and more.  I think the most painful part about those possessions were the smells.  I could bury my face in his shirts, or his bike helmet  and immediately feel as if I was resting against his chest and running my hands through his hair.  Those smells were like electric jolts to my heart.  It’s hard to even write about this.  My heart ached for those small recognitions of a life once real.

When I moved back to the east coast, I allowed the majority of these items to come with me.  I became a master of storage organization and placed the majority of his belongings in my basement in Fayetteville with the help of some incredible friends.  I even had our good friend Harrison unpack John’s clothes into the guest bedroom closet as if he was returning.  I know it sounds crazy reading it now, but this felt normal to me at the time.  I couldn’t accept a house with only my things, so I unpacked his as they were when we lived in Oregon.

I will tell you that as time has passed, I have slowly transformed my house and made it my own, but I can’t say that I’ve truly dealt with these things.  I’ve simply removed them from my sight down to the basement, and in some cases I’ve given things to friends or family, but not much.

I made the choice to test my heart last weekend and invited two friends that are bike mechanics in town to come over. John was in the middle of two bike projects when he died.  After reading Marie Kondo’s book, I decided  that I’d like to finish those projects and release these bikes that were once his to some of his closest friends who would love to ride them.  We pulled out two large totes of bike parts that I had carefully packaged up when I moved.  I hadn’t pulled any of them out since arriving to Fayetteville last summer.  I opened the boxes to show my friends the inventory I had.  I ran my hands over each item, removing it from the box and displaying it on the floor for my friends to observe.  I felt a blast of memories as I acknowledged these items.  So many nights of finding him in the garage working on a bike, totally content and happy.  I thought about all of our times mountain biking together and how much fun it was to watch him climb over huge boulders with his Santa Cruz and fly through every down hill with Jake galloping behind. My heart ached for a moment as I pictured him, but through the acknowledgement of these memories,  something really awesome started to happen.  I watched my friends begin to bring all the parts together that would allow this bike to be put back together.  They carefully handled each part, and before I knew it I watched them drive away with John’s bike.  In a few weeks, this project that John started will be completed.  I felt lighter as I watched this happen, I felt joy.  As if John was thanking me himself, as if the bike was thanking me for the purpose it would now serve.

The KonMari Method is about taking the time to truly acknowledge the things that you own and asking yourself a simple question.  “Does this spark joy?”  This method encourages the concept that we as humans truly do not need that much.  Allowing yourself to only own belongings that spark joy and serve a true purpose in your life, not only transforms your house, but it transforms your life through rediscovering who you are and the life you truly want to have.  For those items that don’t make the cut, you acknowledge them, you thank them for the purpose they once served, and you send them on a new journey.

"From the moment you start tidying, you will be compelled to reset your life.  As a result, your life will start to change.  The true goal should be to establish the lifestyle you want most once your house has been put in order."  Marie Kondo

The day of my wedding anniversary this past July, I sat quietly in my living room that morning and allowed myself to really consider a future without my husband for the first time.  I believe as a widow, you really start to come to this realization during the second year of grief  that this truly is your reality, they really are not coming back and you need to make some choices for yourself  and grab life by the balls.  What did I want my life to look like and how did I picture my life to come?    I’ve been surrounded by his things and OUR things for over a year now since his death, and I’ve continued to consider him when I think of decisions going forward.  Maybe because I still feel him everywhere.  “What would John do?”  When you are married, there really aren’t that many decisions that are independent from your spouse, at least not big ones.  I almost feel as if I’ve carried this concept forward even with him gone because I don’t have to really face my reality by considering him.

I thought about what my life has looked like since 3/9/14 and where my heart is in comparison to my brain.  I closed my eyes and allowed myself to  picture my life without him and what it may look like if I’m following my heart.  I saw the mountains, I saw the woods, I heard the river, I heard children laughing, I felt the silence, I heard the choir singing, I felt the drive for a career,  I felt new love that is different and still just as lovely.  I pictured a beautiful life. I have been praying for over a year now for an open heart, clarity, direction, new perspective.  But-I’m not sure if I’ve truly allowed myself to picture what that may look like, for that picture does not include John, another jolt to my heart.

“The question of what you want to own is actually the question of how you want to live your life.”  Marie Kondo

It’s time to breathe life into some of these dreams.  I believe that life starts with the woods and creating a place of zen for myself.  I decided this past week to purchase an acre here in the New River Gorge and build a small cottage that will be nestled among the trees.  My dreams are to build an eco-friendly small foot print home, where I am surrounded by woods, the sounds of the gorge and the trails.  If all goes well, we will start building in October.  I am really looking forward to this project and creating a home from the ground up that is a true reflection of the woman I am.

"Keep only the things that speak to your heart.  Then take the plunge and discard all the rest." Marie Kondo

With this project comes a challenging year of the Konmari Method that I plan to dive into, eyes and heart ahead.  I know in my heart that I can’t move forward with my dreams if I continue to hold on so tightly to my past.  I need to face each item, allow those feelings to surface regardless of the pain, acknowledge each item for what it has done for me and John, and let it go.  I want to move into my new home with only the things that spark joy and purpose in my life and let go of those items that don’t.  I believe it’s important to note that by doing this, I’m not leaving John behind.  I believe John is up ahead, living a new eternal life with new purpose.  Moving beyond his things not only honors him, it honors the woman that I am and the life I still have here.  I believe this choice is crucial to new joy, new life.   I believe practicing the Konmari Method will not only help me face my past, but it paves a way to my future.  For that alone, I am all in, I choose to breathe life into this dream.  

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