If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me." Psalm 139:9-10
I had the opportunity to spend this past week at Topsail Beach, NC with my sisters, my brother Luke and Melissa. We rented a lovely cottage beach house called "Pleasant Views" where we had views of both the bay and the ocean. It is the one week out of my entire year where I literally make no plans, and no schedules.
This same week last year in 2014, I had just arrived to the east coast after driving my pets across the country away from our home in Oregon. John's ashes sat beside me the entire way. When I arrived back east I spent a week in the Outer banks with my family. That week stirred many different emotions. I remember just being still so absolutely shocked that I was back on the east coast for good and without John. My heart physically ached that week and I remember just wanting time to stop. It was also that week that I had the most vivid dream I have ever had about John and many questions I had been asking over and over again to myself were answered. After that experience, I ended up writing a blog called "A Shift." I wrote about a series of events I had been through in the last month and the transition back east I was going through. I read through that blog towards the beginning of this week and thought to myself, "man I was such a mess at that point." I really was. Regardless of how bad it was during that time, I was still getting up every morning, still moving and doing everything I could to take steps forward, I just can't remember much of it. It was definitely a time when the pain was simply numbing and the hours, days, months seemed to all flow together. I thought about that shift a lot this week and how I was able to move through those days during that time. I thought a lot this week about my words during that time and what "A Shift" has meant to me over the last 16 months.
The ocean to me is a true healing place. There is something so peaceful about standing among a body of water that is so consistent. It's as if she understands my pain and my journey, and every day walking along her sandy shores, I felt like her guest, paying a visit to her spectacular images and sounds. I thought so much about John as I walked with our dog and how to me, he is now a part of this eternal presence and imagery. These precious moments in the morning felt like our time, and I could feel him with every breath, every step. It was in those moments where God's love was so powerful and so selfless that I found it hard to speak. I believe it is him that allows the love John and I felt for each other to shine through so I can remember and smile.
My brother, Luke and I spent some time walking along the shoreline this morning with our dogs. Luke had recently listened to a special on Ted Talks about how the human mind is constantly wandering, and how more than 50% of your time is spent thinking about anything other than what you are currently doing. I used to be so terrible about this and constantly stressed about the future. I knew it drove my husband crazy, it was just how I was wired at the time. Losing John and walking through this journey of grief has really taught me how to be present and while I am certainly no expert, I am far more present than I used to be. As a believer in Christ, I have come to understand through what I believe is his voice, that there really is no connection, new learning or new perspective in my past or in an unknown future. It is right now. I believe each day in those early morning hours, God equips me for a new day and prepares me for what is ahead. I believe it is hard to understand that, to truly see that when we are not present which can hinder our healing process.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
I spent time this week connecting with my siblings and my dear friend Melissa. Melissa is on a journey of grief as well and being at the beach together I believe was really good for both of us. We took a walk yesterday and talked about our journey and where life has currently taken us. Sometimes it can be hard to think that you've truly made progress until you allow yourself to revisit the past. This week we both revisited the 24 hours that led to the death of our husbands and the events that proceeded after that. It can be terrifying to go back like that. I find that my body physically reacts to it, to the trauma. Regardless, I have found it is important to do this with her as my friend, for it is a clear reminder of again how powerful God can be and where he has taken us.
This week as I reflected on my life so far, I found so many things to be grateful for simply by looking into the eyes of my family and dear friend. I truly am blessed. We spent so much time laughing until my abs hurt and playing like kids again. We cooked delicious meals together, gave thanks together. We were present together. I really believe that when you have to take a journey through deep grief, remembering and connecting to those that are still here, those that love you is so important. This scripture came to mind as I thought about my continued purpose here and the love others have shown me through this walk.
"Love me with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. Of all things, hang onto these two commandments." Matthew 22:38-40.
I have come to believe that our purpose here on earth truly is that simple, yet so much of our world is so distant from this. So damaged. My journey has allowed me to truly reflect on the people in my life that have loved me selflessly and consider how I want to love others that cross my path. I have also had the pleasure of meeting new faces that have made profound impacts on my heart since March 9th. I don't believe any of those connections are of pure coincidence. I believe it is a continuous reflection of God's love for me and this world. God's love for John.
My brother, Luke and I spent some time walking along the shoreline this morning with our dogs. Luke had recently listened to a special on Ted Talks about how the human mind is constantly wandering, and how more than 50% of your time is spent thinking about anything other than what you are currently doing. I used to be so terrible about this and constantly stressed about the future. I knew it drove my husband crazy, it was just how I was wired at the time. Losing John and walking through this journey of grief has really taught me how to be present and while I am certainly no expert, I am far more present than I used to be. As a believer in Christ, I have come to understand through what I believe is his voice, that there really is no connection, new learning or new perspective in my past or in an unknown future. It is right now. I believe each day in those early morning hours, God equips me for a new day and prepares me for what is ahead. I believe it is hard to understand that, to truly see that when we are not present which can hinder our healing process.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
I spent time this week connecting with my siblings and my dear friend Melissa. Melissa is on a journey of grief as well and being at the beach together I believe was really good for both of us. We took a walk yesterday and talked about our journey and where life has currently taken us. Sometimes it can be hard to think that you've truly made progress until you allow yourself to revisit the past. This week we both revisited the 24 hours that led to the death of our husbands and the events that proceeded after that. It can be terrifying to go back like that. I find that my body physically reacts to it, to the trauma. Regardless, I have found it is important to do this with her as my friend, for it is a clear reminder of again how powerful God can be and where he has taken us.
This week as I reflected on my life so far, I found so many things to be grateful for simply by looking into the eyes of my family and dear friend. I truly am blessed. We spent so much time laughing until my abs hurt and playing like kids again. We cooked delicious meals together, gave thanks together. We were present together. I really believe that when you have to take a journey through deep grief, remembering and connecting to those that are still here, those that love you is so important. This scripture came to mind as I thought about my continued purpose here and the love others have shown me through this walk.
"Love me with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. Of all things, hang onto these two commandments." Matthew 22:38-40.
I have come to believe that our purpose here on earth truly is that simple, yet so much of our world is so distant from this. So damaged. My journey has allowed me to truly reflect on the people in my life that have loved me selflessly and consider how I want to love others that cross my path. I have also had the pleasure of meeting new faces that have made profound impacts on my heart since March 9th. I don't believe any of those connections are of pure coincidence. I believe it is a continuous reflection of God's love for me and this world. God's love for John.
I am now 31 years old and have been without my husband's physical presence for almost 16 months now. If you had told me I'd make it through these last 16 months, 16 months ago, I would have laughed. 25 days from now would have marked three years of marriage to my best friend. If you had told me that I'd walk through that successfully last year, I would have laughed even harder. But I am walking with a purpose, with light, with continuous feelings of eternal love that I don't believe I could see in my past life because I wasn't present, I didn't understand.
"No power in the sky above, or the earth below, indeed, nothing in all creation will every be able to separate us from the love of God." Romans 8:39
John's love for me is so eternal and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about that and give thanks. Our love is eternal because I truly believe that nothing can separate God's love from me, and through God, I feel John. I believe the shift I have gone through over the last 16 months as I journey through this grief has taught me how incredible this love is. Just like the ocean, this love from my creator is consistent, unfailing and guaranteed. For that alone I will rise with the sun and start my mornings everyday, living for that love.
"No power in the sky above, or the earth below, indeed, nothing in all creation will every be able to separate us from the love of God." Romans 8:39
John's love for me is so eternal and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about that and give thanks. Our love is eternal because I truly believe that nothing can separate God's love from me, and through God, I feel John. I believe the shift I have gone through over the last 16 months as I journey through this grief has taught me how incredible this love is. Just like the ocean, this love from my creator is consistent, unfailing and guaranteed. For that alone I will rise with the sun and start my mornings everyday, living for that love.
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