A Shift
“Remember
not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it
springs forth; do you not perceive it? I
will make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19
The last 4 weeks of my life
have been pretty busy. My last day at
Harry & David was Friday, June 6th. The HR team that I worked with threw me a
good bye get together. No one wanted to
call it a celebration which I really appreciated. I remember talking with my Senior VP who
reassured me that I always had a place with the company if I ever chose to come
back. Back in August, 2013 when we knew John got the forester position in
Grants Pass, I was aggressively applying for jobs in the area. Target had offered me the store in Medford,
OR, but told me I would have to take my current store in Richmond, VA through
the 4th quarter and then could move to Oregon at the end of January,
2014. This meant being apart from John
for 6 months on opposite sides of the country.
We both agreed this was not what we wanted, and this move was meant to
be together. Not only did Harry &
David offer me a leadership position with their company, they literally created
it for me so I could join the team. Had
it not been for them, I may have only had 30 days with John before he passed
away. Harry & David is a great
company. I thanked my SVP for giving me
6 months with John and making a way for me.
It was a tough decision to leave.
I spent the next week traveling
to see some of the close friends I had made while living in Oregon. I went to Portland for a weekend and got to
witness my brave friend Melissa Joyce get back into her kayak for the first
time. We paddled down the Sandy River
together. I remember she pushed out
into the current, paddled up to me, and then flipped over and rolled up with a
smile on her face. Flipping over for the
first time in your kayak after losing your spouse to the sport is not an easy
thing to do. I had the opportunity to
paddle the North Fork of the Smith River one more time before leaving Oregon. That was the last river John and I did
together. I was flipped in a large hole
while paddling with good friends and had what I think was a small panic attack
after rolling back up. My friends were
great when it happened and simply sat with me on the river bank allowing me to
work through that. In the past this
would not have been a big deal. In
fact, John always told me it was good to get trashed in a hole and work through
it, for it makes you a better kayaker and forces you to remain calm and
rely on your strength. You can’t let
fear over take you when all you can do is focus on the present moment. It’s different for Melissa and me now, yet we
still continue to roll. The scenery was
absolutely beautiful that day and I felt grateful to be a part of that
experience with her.
I traveled to Bend, OR to see
my dear friend Lisa who was John and I’s closest mutual friend while living in
Grants Pass. We spent two days hiking
together and exploring Bend. She drove
all the way from Idaho to see me which was so nice. Lisa was the first person I gave some of
John’s ashes to. I will tell you more
about who John was given to and why later on in this blog. I also drove to Salem, OR to see John’s
brother, Thomas and my sister-in-law, Belle.
We went to the memorial for John that is at the State Forestry
office. Seeing your husband’s name on a
memorial for foresters who have died has quite a sting to it. I had a hard time looking at his name and
death date with my family but at the same time, this is another way of honoring
who he was and ensuring his name carries forward. It truly was beautiful and sat along a place
called Mill Creek. The night before
driving to Salem, I put together a box of things for Thomas that I thought John
would want him to have. This included
some books, pictures, music, and an old dictionary. As I went through these items with Thomas,
explaining why I chose these things for him, we came to the old Webster’s
dictionary. I told Thomas that John used
to read dictionaries at night time, particularly this one. I
remember thinking this was quite a nerdy hobby of John’s, but it was something
he was fairly consistent on. John’s dad
even gave him multiple dictionaries for Christmas which John was really excited
about. With the 6 dictionaries John
owned, he always kept this old dictionary by his bed side and would flip
through a few pages before going to bed.
Thomas took the dictionary from me and opened the first page. Written in the first page was the name
“Thomas Wilburn.” This had been Thomas’s
dictionary that John had been reading throughout the years. Thomas had a big smile on his face. I felt this warm feeling wash over me and
knew then that John wanted me to give that to Thomas. John had probably 6 dictionaries, yet I chose
this one for Thomas. While Thomas and
John we’re so different, I truly believe that siblings have an unspoken bond
and I know that John loved Thomas.
Thomas’s decision to move to the Pacific Northwest motivated John to do
the same; he just never told Thomas that. I was really grateful to have this time with
both Thomas and Belle before leaving the west coast.
The next week was terrible;
there is no other way for me to put it.
I spent the entire week packing up the life I had with John. There are two things that I found
particularly horrible about this experience.
The first was that when you pack things up, you also discover
things. I found a box that John had put
in our attic. In the box was a bubble
wrapped beautiful wooden box. When I
opened this box, there sat John’s old baseball cards, $2 bills and some fishing
material. When you turned the knob on
the box, it played music. I remember lying
on the floor of our house grasping this box and just sobbing. He probably would have given something like
this to our son or daughter one day. I
found unknown pictures, notes, music, collectibles, things that we’re important
to him I discovered while packing. It
felt like a punch to my gut every time.
The second thing that was awful was that I packed up things that I
wasn’t sure I would be unpacking in Fayetteville, WV. I remember boxing up our large wedding photo
while a moving guy took inventory. He
taped the box shut and handed me the magic marker. I had been marking “unpack” or “store in
basement” on many items. I got to this
particular box and just stared at the cardboard. Do I hang this up in my new home and remind
myself every day that I had this beautiful wedding where I got to marry my love
or do I keep it in a box where it sits in my basement where I don’t have to
face that daily, yet it feels as if I am erasing my past? I don’t want to put these memories away but
it feels like torture to see his beautiful face in pictures knowing he is not
here anymore. These decisions are gut
wrenching. As the moving guy put up the
security wall in the 28’ trailer and pulled away from my street I felt empty. The adorable house we lived in together was
now empty, and all of our belongings were now on their way to my new home where
I would go without John.
I spent the next few days
spending time with friends in Grants Pass.
I met a couple, Joanna and Mike the week that I was packing. Joanna was a forester from Wisconsin and was
moving to Grants Pass with her husband Mike to take the position that John had
while he was alive. Crazy story, but
Joanna happened to be co-workers with John’s close friend from Virginia Tech,
Derek. Derek gave Joanna my contact
information when he realized she was taking John’s position. I have to admit I had a bad attitude about
this at first. I didn’t want to meet the
person that was taking my husband’s job, the job he would still have had he not
died. Something in me though told me to
meet her, that push you feel sometimes in your heart. I invited Mike and Joanna over to my house
for a beer after spending a full day of packing. Within an hour I knew exactly why I needed to
meet her. Her and Mike are simply
awesome. While sitting with them in my
kitchen, I almost felt like I was having a conversation with myself and
John. It was odd. They we’re newlyweds, and had been looking
for an opportunity to go out west. I
could tell they were perfect for each other.
Both outdoors people that spent a lot of time together recreating and
enjoying nature. Jared and I took them
down to Ashland the next day for an epic mountain biking trip. They invited us over to their house for
dinner where we spent yet another great evening mountain biking together. I kept thinking how much I wish Joanna and
Mike had moved here while John was still alive.
We would have hung out with them all the time. They were the kind of people that became my
instant friends, as if I had known them my whole life. Joanna and Mike continue to reach out to me
now, letting me know I am in their thoughts.
I know now that God wanted me to meet Joanna and Mike. It felt good to know that a couple very much
like John and I would be living in Southern Oregon.
My sister, Bird, and my friend,
Brooks flew into Oregon on Sunday June 22nd to drive across the
country with me. The friends I had made
in Oregon came over to my empty house that night where we all shared beers in
the back yard. I felt so blessed as I
looked around the circle of people that had surrounded me in my darkest hours
and ensured me I was not alone. These
are friends I will have for the rest of my life.
Bird, Brooks and I spent the
next 4 days driving the Subaru and Prius across the country with 2 cats and a
dog. I asked God and John both to help
us get the Prius across the country.
John’s Prius had 237,000 miles on it when we left for the east
coast. John did such an awesome job
taking care of this car throughout the years.
Other than the broken rear view mirror that looked like a penguin
flapping its wings down the highway, the car was amazing on this journey. I sat John in the Prius in the passenger seat
for 4 days. I would start out every
morning with him, and end the day of driving with him as the sun went down. Jake also stayed in the Prius with John the
entire trip. That time in the car with
John was spent laughing, screaming, crying, and asking questions, in silence
and in prayer. 9 months ago I drove across the country with my mom to meet my
husband in Southern Oregon where we started our life together. Now I was driving across the country back to
the east coast, with John’s ashes sitting beside me. It almost felt as if our time in Oregon never
happened, it was so fast. How do you
wrap your brain around that? I felt
broken.
I will admit to you that I felt a since of
relief as I saw the signs “Welcome to Nevada,” meaning I was out of
Oregon. I told John’s dad that I wasn’t
sure how it was going to feel to leave the beautiful state where John was last.
For the longest time, I felt as if I was leaving John behind and I had this
huge feeling of guilt that sat heavy on my heart. John’s sweet grandmother said something to me
right before I left that stuck with me throughout my drive; “you are not
leaving him Erin, you are taking him with you, he’ll be beside you throughout
the journey.” John’s Dad was so glad to
know that I felt relieved. It felt like
a weight had been lifted and breathing became just a little bit easier. I had been living in the shadows for the last
3+ months in Oregon. I don’t regret that
decision at all, I needed to be there during that dark time, to try and face
this and not run from my pain. Being
there without him led me to the decision to head to Fayetteville.
We drove the same exact route
that John and his parents drove when he came out to Oregon. Driving that same path was really important
to me. During this trip, I believe that
John spoke to me for the first time through the mountains. We were somewhere in Wyoming at a rest
stop. I knew I wanted to spread some of
John’s ashes along this trip when the moment felt right. My friend Brooks looked out at this mountain
and asked if now would be a good time.
My first response was simply, “no.” Again, having a bad attitude about my
reality. About 3 minutes after I said this, I looked
out at the mountains and noticed that the clouds began to part over the tallest
mountain and these beautiful rays of sunlight broke through and cast over the snow caps of the mountain. It was breath taking. It was if I could hear John saying, “Why not
Muffin? I sure do like it here.” I knew
immediately this was the place and I needed to do it. Brooks lifted some barbed wire fencing so I
could crawl under it and walk out onto this overlook. I am sure the barbed wire was there for a
reason but I didn’t care, I knew where John wanted to go. I stood on the edge of this overlook and
opened my palm while staring at that gorgeous sunlit mountain. The wind gently took him. Right after I released him, the part in the
clouds closed and a double rainbow cast over the sky. It was unreal. I could feel John saying, “I am here
muffin.” I was talking to Melissa about
this experience last night. I believe
your heart has to be open to new ways of communication when you lose a loved
one. While I can’t physically hear John
talk to me anymore, I know he tries to talk to me through nature every
day. I just need to be open to it and
look for him there.
I knew I made the right choice
when we entered into the beautiful rolling green mountains of West
Virginia. The word “home” came to my
thoughts and warmed my heart. It is
where I am supposed to be. There is
something so peaceful and calming about the Appalachian Mountains. I am so grateful that God has placed me back
here where John and I spent a lot of time together. We made it to Mount Airy, NC on Thursday June
26th. The moment I saw my
mom, I felt the tears well for I knew this was a permanent visit. Yet, I was so glad to be done with that
journey and to know I brought John home.
This current week, I have been
in C0rova Beach, NC with my family and dear friends. It’s tough.
We had this beach vacation planned back in December. I was going to have a ladies week at the
beach while John and Jake were going to have their bachelor week in Oregon; I
remember joking about it with him. It
feels like I should be getting on a plane Sunday and heading back to Oregon,
where my life with John should continue.
Instead, I am on the east coast to stay for now, moving to Fayetteville,
WV this coming Monday where 4 dear friends (Nick, Michael, Harrison and Meghan)
will meet me there to help me unpack the life I once held with John. Did I mention how blessed I am to have such
an incredible group of friends? Friends
that will drive across the country with me, sit with me while I pack up my
home, come spend time with me at the beach, set up my new home, spread my
husband’s ashes, check on my husband’s parents. I even have friends in Fayetteville that I
haven’t met yet that are already welcoming me into their beautiful
community. There has not been a day since John’s passing
that a friend has not checked on me, and let me know that I am not alone. I have incredible friends.
I will end with a dream that I
had 2 nights ago. I haven’t dreamt about
John in months, and it’s been frustrating.
The dreams I had in the beginning were horrible and not worth sharing. I’ve wanted him to come visit me every night
while I sleep, yet this just hasn’t happened.
I’ve had two fears over the last few weeks that I really haven’t shared
with a lot of people. The first is that
John doesn’t think of me anymore. In
heaven, he has so much happiness and so much peace that he isn’t thinking of
those left behind. The completely
selfless side of me should want that for him, and deep down I do, but as his
wife, I constantly wonder, is he thinking of me? The second fear is that he can’t hear me
anymore. I talk to John every morning
while walking Jake. I realize this may
sound crazy to some. I spent the last 6
½ years talking to him every day, so now I take the mornings to talk to
him. We talk about everything. I’ve been worried that he can’t hear me, and
in fact I am a babbling crazy woman that has simply lost her mind.
In my dream I was mountain
biking in an area that looked like Crater Lake.
It was the most beautiful place I had ever mountain biked. Big rolling hills, peaks with snow caps that
we’re unimaginable, and a crystal blue lake below me. I was flying on the Pivot Mach 5 that John
had given me for Christmas. As I crest
the hill of this long climb, I looked down and saw John standing at the bottom
of this downhill. He was staring up at
me and smiling. Oddly though, he had all
of his kayaking gear on, helmet and everything.
I knew immediately it was him, it was the last thing I saw him in before
he died. I flew down this hill and
somehow managed to pass him. I remember
tossing my bike to the side, turning around and running up to him. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned
around, he grinned from ear to ear when he saw me. We immediately embraced and I gave him the
biggest hug. It was wonderful. We held hands and went over to a rock and sat
down. John began to cry. I remember he gently touched my face with his
hands and pulled my forehead to his while sobbing he said, “I can’t believe
I’ve died, I can’t believe I’ve died.” I
was crying too. I told him, “I know
muffin, I can’t believe you died either, I am so sorry.” He said he was sorry too and we just sat
there holding our faces together crying.
I felt so sad for him in this moment.
I wanted to comfort him and tell him it was ok and not to worry. We then started to talk. I asked him, “John, did you die because God
has a mission for you to complete? Is
there something you have to do for him?”
John looked at me and said, “Yes.”
I remember nodding and telling him “Ok, I understand.” I then said, “Can you hear me when I talk to
you? I talk to you every morning, are
you able to hear what I am saying?” John
again looked at me and said, “Yes, I can hear everything you say.” I remember having a big smile on my face at
this point, knowing he can hear me. I
then looked at him and said, “Will you come visit me just like this whenever
you can?” John looked at me and said, “I
will, I will come see you when I can.” I
remember feeling so happy in this moment, knowing he would come see me when he
could. I also got the sense that John
was going to be busy, God had something big for him to do, but he would take
the time to come see me when he could.
We then hugged again, and then I woke up. This dream was so vivid, I cried while
telling my mom and best friend Sarah about the dream I had. I felt like John answered all the questions
and concerns I had in this dream where he came to see me. I felt joy knowing some big questions I had
for him, he answered.
Is this enough? Of course not. I want him here with me so I don’t have to do
this. I want my awesome life back with
John where we can continue to kayak, mountain bike, summit 14,000 foot
mountains, make dinners, watch movies, ride his motor cycle, jog to the gym, go
camping. I want to wake up in the morning
and feel his arms around me, his breath against my neck and his heart beat
against my back. I want to sit in the
kitchen with him in the mornings, drinking coffee and reading. I want our Sunday routines of pancakes,
google chats, morning walks with Jake, and venturing out into the outdoor
discoveries of Southern Oregon for the day.
I want him to go back to his routine of walking Jake every morning and
evening and being Jake’s favorite. I
long for his dirty clothes beside (not in) the laundry hamper and his piles of
clothes in our closet (never in the drawers).
I want our messy garage back where John has 3-4 projects going on. This dream I had 2 nights ago is precious to
me, but it will never be enough. For now
though, until I can see John again, it has to be enough. John answered some big questions I had, and
reminded me how much he still and always will love me.
“For no temptation, no matter
how it comes or where it leads has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is
not common to man. That is, no
temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is
not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience. But God is faithful to his word and to his
compassionate nature, and he can be trusted not to let you be tempted and tried
and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure,
but with temptation he will always also provide the way out. The means of escape to a landing place, that
you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently. 1 Corinthians 10:13
I remember praying on that
bridge when John was missing. I told God
that if he took John from me, and if John died, I would die too. I told him this would end me, I would never
be the same and my existence on this earth would be worthless, for without
John, I could not go on.
Yet, I am here, sitting in a
chair with a cup of coffee and sharing my story with you with Jake at my
feet. I am healthy and I still have joy
in my heart. I truly believe that God
does not give anyone more than they can handle.
I will live a more purposeful life because of my amazing husband John,
but even more importantly, because of God’s grace and mercy on me. I have experienced what I believe is a shift;
a shift in my heart, my mind and my soul.
I promise to share more of that shift with you as I move to West
Virginia, start a new job and continue to honor John.
Painfully beautiful. You've go this Erin. Welcome home.
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