July 28th

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a ringing brass gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and I know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I parcel out all my possessions, and if I hand over my body in order that I will be burned, but do not have love, it benefits me nothing." 

1 Corinthians 13:1-2

 

 

This may be the hardest blog entry I'll ever have to write.  Today is Sunday, July 27, 2014.  Tomorrow would have been my two year anniversary with John.  I'm sitting in my living room while it thunders and rains outside.  This last week has been strange.  I think my body is physically reacting to what tomorrow brings.  Yesterday I went mountain biking with some friends and had what I think was a panic attack after a long climb.  I got off my bike, stepped off the trail and hugged a tree for about 5 minutes.  Jake just sat there with me while I cried and yes, hugged a tree.  I hung out at our friend Nick's caboose last night.  An incredible place that John and I spent many weekends during Gauley season.  We stood by the fire after dinner with some beers and gazed up at the stars.  I remember looking into this fire and having visions of John's body being cremated.  I could feel my heart rate increasing and my knees go wobbly.  My thoughts are terrible sometimes, especially this past week.   My head hurts, my chest feels tight, I feel anxious, and my pace feels slow. 

 

I feel confident saying that John and I had one of the most fun weddings anyone has been to.  We we're married in my parents front yard and had quite the party in their back yard.  There were maybe 40 people at the ceremony and 60 at the party afterwards.  John took all of his friends and my brothers mountain biking the day of the wedding, illegally I might add.  One of my best friends was visiting this past weekend and told me that when they got to the trail head, John announced, "OK guys, everyone grab their bikes and run to the trail!  We are not supposed to be riding on this at all!"  Shocker that my husband would do this:)  Apparently my brother in-law had the best wreck of the ride.  He came around a turn with both feet off the pedals and launched into a bush.  Still, every guy on that ride remembers that wreck and still laughs about it.  I think Luke laughed about it once the bruises faded.  They all made it back to the house one hour before the wedding ceremony.  What did John do when he got back to the house, oh you know, the normal thing, jump in the pool and crack open a beer!  My mom had to go out there about 30 minutes before the wedding and tell John he may want to go get changed since guest are starting to arrive.  John had the normally even keeled reply:  "OK:)"  No rush at all! 

 

Did I also mention that John and my uncle came over to my parents house around 6am the morning of our wedding and chain sawed a tree down in the back yard?  You know my mom LOVED that.  I remember watching her charge outside in her "cat and the hat" bath robe.  Amazing.  My uncle gave John a chainsaw for a wedding gift.  I think John pretty much attempted to take that chainsaw with him everywhere afterwards. 

 

John and I ended up in the pool about an hour after we were married.  Seriously.  I think I wore my wedding dress for the most 2 1/2 hours?  Before we knew it, everyone ended up in the pool, some with clothes on and some in bathing suits.  My dad even gave the toast from the pool.  John and I laid on pool recliners holding hands and listening to the Jazz Trio from Brevard, NC all night until it was time to go. 

 

We spent the next two weeks camping, mountain biking, kayaking, hiking and exploring British Columbia and Washington State.  I had no idea that a year later we'd be moving out west to pursue our life together full of adventure and unconditional love.

 

I absolutely loved being married.  To me, there is nothing more beautiful.  John became my family on July 28, 2012.  We had been together for 4 1/2 years at that point when we made that commitment to each other in front of our family and closest friends.  We had even been living together for 2 years before getting married.  Something changed after that day though, and I don't know if I can quite explain it.  I really believe that when you make that commitment to each other with God at the center of that connection, something electric happens.  Your souls are intertwined and you become one.  There was no one in this world that knew me better than my husband.  He knew every fear, every dream, every need.  He knew when I was happy, and when I was in pain.  He knew all my curves, birth marks, facial expressions, movements.  He knew me to my core and lived within my soul.

 

We had an incredible marriage.  I can count the number of arguments we had in the 6+ years we were together on one hand.  Most of our time was spent in laughter and adventure.  He was my best friend and I loved spending every minute with him.  I know that I had something rare, and hard to come by.  I found and married my perfect match.  He took my breath away the moment I shook his hand for the first time, and he took my breath away again when I held his hands and gazed at his beautiful face after he was gone. 

 

 A new friend invited me to this get together this past week in Fayetteville called “Poetry, Prose & Plainsong.”  This is a group of locals that get together every other week and read or sing to each other. I hesitated to go as I do with most social events these days, but I thought what the hell and decided to go. Throughout the evening I was truly blown away by the talent in the room and the quality poetry that was shared.   A man that goes by “Doc” shared a poem titled “Rose.”  The poem was about a widow who goes to her husband’s grave to lay some roses.  She weeps at his grave and tells him how deeply she misses him and how she cannot live without him.  As she turns away, her husband appears to her and they embrace one last time.  He begs her not to kill herself, for he is waiting for her and still deeply loves her.  He tells her to hold on to his words for he loves her and will see her again one day. 

 

Tears welled as I listened to his words. I could feel his pain and thought about months back when I wanted nothing more than to die.  Death seemed like a great alternative verses being forced to walk this earth without my love and our marriage.   I took Jake for a hike after work this past week and as I walked in silence in the woods, I thought to myself, “I am hollow all day and all night.”  It’s an odd way to describe it, but I am.   I believe part of me left this world when John left, and now, I do not know my purpose or myself in this world for my family is gone.  I go to work every morning, I meet new people and force myself to smile and converse.  I force myself to get up every morning and walk through another day, yet I am hollow inside and the deep ache I feel in my heart just won’t lighten up.  It is there all day and all night, and rears its ugly head at any moment when I am not prepared causing me to have complete melt downs in the oddest places which scares me at times.  I am unpredictable and a flake these days. 

I wondered about Doc and if he lost his wife.  I pictured myself decades from now.  I pictured myself as an old woman.  Will I be writing poetry about my husband, continuing to long for the day where we will see each other again?  Moving on terrifies me.  Opening my heart again terrifies me.  I don't know how it's even possible that anyone could be more perfect for me than John.   I walk into my empty home every evening and expect to hear his voice yelling “muffin!” as he always did, listen to the sounds of cooking in the kitchen, the guitar playing in the music room, tools clanking in the basement on a bike.  I lie in bed alone every night in the very spot that he used to lay, hoping to still smell him against our sheets.  I wear his wedding band around my neck, with my wedding band inside of his everyday, holding it around my thumb when my grounding feels unstable.  I come home to silence, just me and our animals and things left that were his.  I am a hollow shell, constantly haunted by material memories.  Yet this is comfortable for me right now, it is safe.  I can stay here with him, for now.

Tomorrow is a mile stone.  It's the day that I chose John, it's the day I chose my family, it's the day I began my life, a beautiful life.  If God appeared to me and said, "Erin, I can take all of your pain away, your broken heart, your loneliness, your rage and hurt; yet it would mean that you never met John, that your life turned out different."  My answer to God would simply be, "no".  I am so thankful to God for bringing John into my life and allowing the two of us to experience complete unconditional, beautiful love.  I am a different person, a better person because of it.  Our love rocked my world.  Our love is eternal and will be there deep in my heart until we meet again.  Our souls are intertwined, and part of John lives within me now.  I feel him everyday deep in my heart, guiding me. 

So tomorrow isn't going to be sad.  I won't stay home and cry and scream and ask God why?  Tomorrow is a celebration of our love, and I will honor us by stepping out into the sunlight, hiking the mountains, kayaking the rivers, mountain biking the trails, into old age, with John right beside of me, guiding me every step of the way.

 

 

Happy anniversary muffin.  My beautiful husband, my best friend.  I love you always and forever.

 

Love,

Your Muffin.