Me and Melissa

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."  Proverbs 27:17

John's Celebration of Life ceremony in Mount Airy, NC was a whirlwind.  I remember the entire time feeling as if I was having an outer body experience.  It almost felt like I was at our wedding, just without my husband.  All of those that I saw at his funeral, I saw only a year and a half ago at our wedding in my parents back yard.  Now in the same back yard, we were having his funeral.  It was bizarre.  There were multiple moments throughout my time in North Carolina that I would remove myself from the crowd and walk into the woods in our back yard and just sit down.  My husband loved the woods, he worked in them everyday, so I felt the most calm when I was just sitting in them, staring at the trees.  At one point I was caught by a family member while crawling through the laundry shoot just to make it to the back door to escape into the woods in hopes that no one would see me.  Whoops.  It's amazing what you will do when you are in that much pain.  The laundry shoot seemed completely logical at the time.

I remember John's dad said something interesting to me before the funeral.  "Erin, when things like this happen, the one who is in the most pain, is usually the one who has to be the most selfless.  That will be you this weekend."  I remember feeling this way throughout the weekend.  There were so many times I felt the need to comfort others, answer questions, talk about John, visit with others.  I remember during the visitation, multiple people sobbed into my neck while telling me how sorry they were.  Some never even knew John, they were just so sad for the loss of such a young individual.  I comforted them as best as I could.  While I knew their pain was genuine, it was so odd to be consoling them, yet I did.

The day after the ceremony, everyone went home, and my immediate family was left with me at my mom's house.  I remember removing myself from lunch, walking into what was once our family playroom, sitting on the couch and losing it.  I was just so unbelievably sad.  I knew I was going to have to go back to Oregon and return to the life that I shared with John, yet now it was just me.  I was scared.  My mom came and sat with me in silence with her arm around my back.  I remember her looking down at her phone and after a few minutes.   My close friend Sarah had sent her an article from the Roanoke Times.  John's obituary happened to be in the Roanoke times as well which is why Sarah came across this additional article.  My mom turned to me and said, "Erin, you have to read this."  This is what I read:

http://www.roanoke.com/news/former-roanoker-dies-during-grand-canyon-kayak-trip/article_6f88f3ba-b064-11e3-9262-0017a43b2370.html

Originally after seeing the headline, I thought, why would reading about another kayaking tragedy be something I need to see right now?  As I read further into the article though, I started feeling as if I was reading about John.  Curt Joyce lived in Portland, OR with his wife Melissa.  What was more bizarre though was that Curt was from the east coast near Roanoke Virginia and went to James Madison University, where I went to school.  He grew up paddling the James and the Maury river, two of John's favorites back east.  He had moved to the west coast to pursue an adventure and his dreams, just as John had.  Curt and Melissa had been married for 6 months when he passed away on a 10 day self-support trip on the Grand Canyon with friends.  My mom looked at me after I read about Curt and said, "You need to meet her."  I could barely make myself eat at this time, so the thought of contacting a complete stranger seemed impossible. 

About a week after I returned to Oregon, a girl named Lori called me.  John and I met Lori while paddling the North Fork of the Smith River.  Lori was one of the 8 kayakers that showed up to help find John.  Lori was also a part of the 4 that discovered John.  She helped perform the rescue and helped carry my husband out of the gorge.  During this conversation, Lori started to tell me about Melissa.  It turned out that not only was Lori friends with Melissa and Curt, but so was Liz and Corey.  Liz and Corey also helped find John.  The connection was bizarre.  Lori told me that she thought it would be really good for the two of us to connect and meet.  She said that the parallels between us we're incredible, and she felt it was her job to bring us together.

Later that evening, I decided to send Melissa a text message.  It turned out that Melissa was on the east coast, in Virginia for Curt's ceremony, just a week after I had been there for John's.  She was going through what I had just been through.  When she returned to Portland, within a few days of getting home, she got in her car and drove down to Grants Pass to see me and support me through John's ceremony in Grants Pass.  I had never met this girl before, yet she came all the way down to Grants Pass to see me.  At John's ceremony, she sat right beside me with her hand on my shoulder.  I remember thinking to myself, "I have never seen anything more selfless than that." 

I drove to Portland the next weekend to be there for Curt's ceremony.  Melissa welcomed me into her home.  I remember being in her house and feeling as if I was in a time warp.  It was so clear that Curt and Melissa had this beautiful life together and we're so happy.  I remember feeling rage as I saw the closet of clothes, the kayak gear, the pictures.  I felt sad and angry for her, for the pain I knew she was feeling and that this beautiful life she had with Curt had so abruptly come to an end.  We both had these incredible marriages.  We both had such happy lives.  We both we're so deeply in love with our husbands.  The world needs more relationships like these in my opinion.  Yet our marriages we're stripped from us, with no choice in the matter.  I felt for her while standing in that adorable house and seeing the life she had.

After the ceremonies for our husbands we're over, we began a journey together.

Melissa and I talk everyday.  It's pretty incredible how instantly we connected.  It became so clear to both of us after meeting, that we were supposed to meet.  Our husbands would have been best friends had they known each other.  They loved the same rivers, and lived for adventure, both feeling a pull to the west coast.  We hike, kayak,  drink wine, walk our dogs, go to church, enjoy good food, cry together, but the best of all, we laugh A LOT together:)  Melissa even stood beside me while I released John's ashes over Mill Creek.  She is an incredible friend, my best friend.
 

 

Melissa has shown me that God's grace truly is sufficient.  I am not alone.  Melissa walks right beside me through this blizzard, hand in hand.  It's funny too, I'm sure most think that when we are together, we sit around talking about our husbands until we are blue in the face.  In fact, it is just the opposite.  Sometimes we don't talk about them at all.  There is a common understanding between the two of us that doesn't require words.  It's as if we can just look at each other and have a true understanding of what it feels like to be us, but more importantly, a smile that shows that we are there for each other and we are walking through this together.  We hold each other accountable, and put our faith first.  There are times that I feel as if God brought us together because there is something we are supposed to do together.  I am not sure what that is, but I hope to figure it out someday.

Melissa saved my life.   I know without a doubt that my journey is easier because of her.  My pain is more bearable because of her presence in my life.  Her genuine spirit and kind heart are inspiring to me.  There is no one else in this world that understands my pain like her.  We are a team and we work through this together everyday.  I know that Melissa and I will be life long friends, even when we are old and gray.  There will always be that silent understanding.  We both know that we'll see Curt and John again someday.  But for now, we choose to live, breathe and smile together.