"This is John's Rock."

"You and John are beautiful people.  This is John's rock, where he goes to be with you."  Doug Gardner

I met Doug on Monday, March 10th at 5am.  Doug had driven down to Gasquet, CA with John's friend, Joseph to help with the search for my husband.  I remember after meeting Doug, he asked if he could ride in the car with me.  We rode to the meeting spot at the South Fork bridge and sat in the dark together.  Doug asked me how I met John, got me to talk about my marriage and my love for my husband.  We even talked about our faith together that morning.  I remember Doug saying, "It is time's like these, that we question, is there a God?"   Doug was clearly a man of deep faith, yet he was realistic and honest which I really appreciated.  I later found out that Doug was the man that walked out onto the logs in swift water and personally pulled John out of the water himself while other's set safety for him. Doug led the three other kayakers in prayer after finding John.    Later that evening, Doug sent me this picture with the quote above.  He took a picture of this rock which was right by where John was found.  I will forever be grateful to brave souls like Doug for bringing John home that day.  

There were 7 kayakers that showed up at 5am to help Jared and I find John.  Wes, J.R, Lori, Liz, Corey, Joseph, and Doug.  They spent hours bush whacking and climbing down into an extremely steep gorge to search for John.  Some areas were so dense with bushes it was almost impossible to get through.  The 4 that found John were Doug, Lori, Jared and Joseph.  Once they discovered him in the middle of the river, they set up a Z-drag, set safety for Doug and successfully pulled John out of the water and to the shore.  The four of them carried my husband out of that gorge where search and rescue met them to take John to the mortuary.  I  spoke with each of them about their experience at a later point.  I can't imagine what that must have been like to make that discovery and have to perform a rescue like this.  I owe my deepest respect and love to these 8 individuals.  Had it not been for them, John may not have been found.  They were very brave that day.

The two weeks after John's death was one of the darkest times in my life.  I remember closing my account on face book, turning off my phone, and not looking at email.  I remember wanting to die.  Death seemed like a great solution compared to the pain I felt in my heart.  I would go to bed at night, hoping to not wake up the next morning.  My body physically shut down.  I couldn't even pour a glass of water for myself.  I tried cutting strawberries one morning and could not finish.  I dropped 10 pounds within a week, eating became too difficult and painful,  while sleeping only brought on the worst nightmares I've ever had.  Visions of drowning were a regular night terror.  I would sit in our reading room for hours, staring at the wall.  I sat on our front porch from morning until evening for a week straight, staring off at the mountains.  This was the only thing I seemed to be good at, nothing. 

I raged at God.  There were multiple times I remember looking towards the sky and screaming at God.  What purpose could loosing John possibly serve?  Why didn't God stop this and save him?  When I was on my knees at that bridge, begging for his mercy and grace, where was he? I questioned if it was even worth it to serve a God that would do this to me. Where was he right now during my pain?   I became a victim, a prisoner to my flesh, a walking zombie,  nothing but surface faith.

I truly believe that God will put the right people with you at the right time based on the circumstances you are in.  I am a walking testament to this.  Doug was exactly who I needed to hear from that morning while my mind felt out of control.  Doug’s kind and soft words, his wisdom and genuine character, God put him with me that morning.  Doug had never met John before, never paddled with him, yet he drove all the way to Northern California, leaving Grants Pass around 3am.  That is God’s love shown through Doug.

Jared was the last person my husband was with before he passed away.  They looked at each other, smiled and cheered before that last boulder separated them.  Jared and I had never had a real discussion about knowing the Lord until after John passed away.  I will never forget sitting on my front porch and listening to Jared talk to me about his relationship with God.  Tears streamed down his face as he talked to me.  It was truly inspiring.  Jared knows the word and loves God with all of his heart.   I took so much comfort in knowing that John loved Jared.  John considered Jared one of his closest friends in Oregon.   God showed John his love through Jared.  I will always love Jared for giving that to John.

My dear friends, Michael and Peyton Wilson were supposed to be vacationing in Bend, starting the weekend that John passed away.  John and I had plans to drive up to Bend, OR the following weekend to see them and spend some time in the woods.  When I told Michael the night of March 9^th that John was missing, him and Peyton immediately switched their flight to come to Grants Pass.  There were only 2 seats left on the plane which they were given with no questions asked, and no charge.  Michael and Peyton were at my house within an hour of me arriving home after finding out about John’s death.  I remember standing in our kitchen, embraced by both of them as we all cried.  I felt the comfort of home and the familiarity of my east coast friends within an hour of finding out about John’s death.  Michael and Peyton stayed in Grants Pass that entire week.  Peyton dealt with all the communication at the mortuary, provided food for my family and John’s family, and stayed by my side while I held John’s hands in Crescent City.  Michael organized the garage with all of John’s belongings for me.  We had recently moved and John was in the middle of establishing his “man cave” when this happened.  Michael spent hours in there organizing everything, unpacking everything and labeling everything so I would know where to find things.  He took John’s car to get serviced, cleaned it from top to bottom and took all of our kayak gear out and organized it.  Michael also stayed right by my side as I saw John for the last time.  God showed me his love and compassion through my sweet friends, Michael and Peyton.

My mom and two sisters immediately flew out to Oregon when this happened.  When I called my mom the night John was missing, she immediately grabbed her things and started heading to the airport with my youngest sister.  They were at my house in Oregon within 2 hours after I found out that John had passed away.  They did everything for me over the next few weeks.  I remember my mom slept beside me for an entire week, keeping one hand on my arm all night as I wept each night and morning.  My two sisters cooked every meal,  took care of my animals, ran errands, answered all of my phone calls, dealt with arranging my bills and John’s assets. They put together John’s ceremony both in Mt. Airy and Grants Pass, they stayed right by my side.  They did all of this while barely shedding any tears, and staying firm and strong for me. My youngest sister probably had to explain to various sources at least 40 times that John had passed away over the phone so an account could be switched to my name.  She did this each time with confidence, holding her head up.   It blew my mind how strong they were.  My brothers, Matt and Luke checked on me every day during that week as well.  My Dad flew back with me to Oregon after the ceremony in North Carolina.  He ran errands for me that entire week, cooked every meal for me and even went to Crescent City, CA with me to collect John’s ashes.  My Dad has progressive Multiple Sclerosis and can barely walk at times.  He did all of these things for me  with no complaints and no question.  I saw God’s love expressed through my incredible family.

So when did the rage stop and my anger towards God change?  When I opened my eyes and saw how much God loved me during my darkest time.  I was not alone.  God was all around me and used others to show his love and protection over me.  Each person played a purpose in my life during this tormenting shift, and it was all orchestrated by God.  I was too self-absorbed to open my eyes and see what was happening at the time. This love shown to me through others was also a consistent reminder that John was OK.   Faith, family and dear friends have been my saving grace as I walk through this blizzard.   That is God's love.

I ask myself a few important questions when making decisions on how to move through this.  Are my actions a true reflection of John and who he was?  Do they honor him?  Do my actions honor the strong marriage that we had, and do they reflect the woman that John married?  If my answer is no to any of these, I simply don’t move forward with that action.  I am the other half of my husband.  I am what is left here on earth of him.  Our souls joined as one when we said those vows to each other.  While he is not here on earth with me anymore, his spirit lives on in me.  He deserves to be honored.   I’ve been amazed at how many people have told me they feel like they are getting to know John through me.  Wow.  That is a huge responsibility, and I feel honored to introduce him to others, ensuring his memory lives on.

I picture John sitting on this rock, smiling at me, every time I look at this picture that Doug took.  One day I will hike into the Gorge and go see this place.  One day.  I spend time on the rock with John every morning.  I feel him every morning while walking Jake, as if he’s walking right beside me, holding my hand, like we used to.  There are times his presence is so strong, if I close my eyes I can almost feel him holding my hand.  That is God’s love, allowing us to have that time every morning together, allowing John to go to the rock and meet me there.  My strength is not my own.  It’s God, and it’s John.  I feel surrounded by them every day.  What a gift. 

I try to read a little scripture every morning while having breakfast in my kitchen. I have found that it is a good way to start my day. Here was what I read this morning which only seems appropriate for my writing today ,

“Welcome challenging times as opportunities to trust Me.  You have Me beside you and My spirit within you, so no set of circumstances is too much for you to handle.  When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges.  That calculation is certain to riddle you with anxiety.  Without Me, you wouldn’t make it past the first hurdle!  The way to walk through demanding days is to grip My hand tightly and stay in close communication with Me.  Let your thoughts and spoken words be richly flavored with trust and thankfulness.  Regardless of the day’s problems, I can keep you in perfect peace as you stay close to me.”  James 1:2; Philippians 4:13; Isaiah 26:3

Remember this dear family and friends.  I know I am not the only one walking through this loss.  So many of you loved John.  Losing him was excruciating for all of you.  Don’t forget to spend time on the rock with him when you feel alone.  If you listen, you will hear him, feel his strength, and see his love.  That is God’s love.

I received hundreds of emails, text messages and phone calls after losing John.  I somehow managed to save some emails I received the week John passed away.  I’ll share a few on here.

  

Erin,

I just want you to know that you are in my heart and thoughts and prayers. I am so incredibly, deeply sorry about John's death.  I cannot even begin to imagine the depth or intensity or pain of the feelings you are having right now, but I want you to know that I, and all of us, are feeling degrees of that feeling too because of how much we love you and love John and how important our Richmond family is to us. I am very grateful for you, my strong, hilarious, beautiful friend.  I have had so many memories flashing through my head since yesterday... and have been alternating between crying, and then laughing, when a particularly funny memory pops into my head.  Even though we are scattered across the country right now, I hope you can feel the Richmond family love reaching out and wrapping you up in it. No need to respond to this at all. I just wanted you to know these things.

Love, Lily

Erin,

I don't really know where to begin, and I know that an email means very little at this time, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking and praying for you.  I don't think there are any words written or spoken that can truly help but I do remember a younger girl filled with joy and optimism - and I can only pray that through God's love and the strength of your family you will get through this awful time.  My heart goes out to you -

Sincerely,
Carter

Erin,

Thinking of you and sending you all of my love.  I love you and am always here for you. Sending lots of prayers your way. 

xoxo,

Meg

Buddy,

I'm sure I do not have the right words to express my heart. John was one of our favorite people. I loved him most of all because he loved you, although I had to check him when he let you walk around in your bikini with a rash from an allergic reaction at a festival. Ha.

I have spent today reflecting on his beautiful and unique way of being in the world and how much he made me laugh. He was true to himself no matter what.  He was hilarious and chilled out and amazing, always.

Here are just a few of the memories that had me laughing out loud, then crying, then laughing again...

When John changed your oil but accidentally took all the transmission fluid out of your car.

Ghost riding the whip down reedy after brooks and Harrison's wedding.

When John took a chain saw to his kayak to make it the "right" length for the riverrock competition.

Our holidays spent at the forest and John playing music the other patrons weren't fond of.

Johns boat invention for Harrison's bachelor party paddle.

His delicious cooking. I think I liked his spaghetti recipe the best of all.

So many Cielto dinners.

Playing guitar together at my house and then watching bad girls club.

His cider block house in Aylett where Jake peed on the little dogs head.

When he always let Jake hump his leg.

His crazy fish tank with cloudy water and so many bubbles.

When his neighbor in Blacksburg told him he had to stay in the basement.

When he delivered your Obama baby in the bathtub at the Halloween party.

All the times down the James together.

How you guys call each other muffin

Aylett house toilet poop situation at his birthday 

The little neighbor girl, Ella, that had a massive crush on him

When he trimmed your house plant tree plant down to really nothing. It's on our porch and has been making me laugh. It used to be so big!

That he never joined Facebook and how cool that was to me.

When he organized the reedy creek cleanup and chain sawed like crazy

When he wouldn't hold Henry even when I tried to put him on his lap at your going away party. Mary Ellen just told me he wouldn't hold beau either. 

At cheat fest when I decided to get off the river and sit with him and Hannah in the water all afternoon drinking beers because he had a back injury. 

When he broke his paddle in pipeline and surfed outta there 

When his bike got stolen and he found it and got the guy! Great detective work!

Your wedding tradition of sneaky bones 

How you never heard John Fart

How mint choc chip cakes are his favorite and I would make his birthday cakes. 

How he and your uncle cut down a tree at your wedding. 

Hannah's birthday party at my apartment with all the jumps in the street. Then you guys made out that night. 

How he adopted little Niday from the woods. 

How he basically helped Jake to become a real dog. 

And so many more that I can't even think...

I love you. I am here for you forever.

We'll talk soon. Please give my love to the Wilburn's. I am so sad for them, too.

Love
Sarah

Erin,

I am so sorry to hear the tragic news. I can only imagine what you are going through and I don't really know what to say. As you can guess I am not quite the wordsmith or good at this type of stuff.  I do want you to know that I am thinking about you and hope you are doing the best anyone can be doing in theses type if situations. You are a very strong smart woman and I'm sure you will cope with this the best way possible.
I know it's cliche, but if you need anything or someone to talk to I am always here.

Take care if yourself,
Guy

Dear Erin,

I know you are probably overwhelmed in many ways at the moment, but I just wanted to write to you to let you know how sorry I am to hear about John. As a couple, you guys were always an inspiration to me -- taking chances together and exploring the wilderness hand in hand. I can't even begin to understand how you may feel. Please know that we love you and we are thinking of you. If you need anything, please let us know.

Love,
Steli

Erin,

Something wild and wonderful happened in the sky over Richmond last night, and I can't help but feel like your husband was somehow involved :) his spirit was felt in the wind, and the rain, and the amazing colors in the sky. he was all around us. 

love you, dear friend.

Brooks

 Erin,

I want you to know I have and will hold you close to my heart over the days to come. I hope you feel the thousands of prayers being said for you. I love you so much and there are no words.
Love always
The other Erin (Blackmon (Haymore))

Erin,

I was out on a ride in the woods yesterday and thought of John a lot.  I wasn't as close to him as you were but he still meant a lot to me and the entire Richmond community. I also don't consider myself  as much of spiritual person either but yesterday the woods felt different, the trees were quieter as if mourning the loss as well, but every time the wind picked up or the birds got louder, I knew he was out there, living on in their beauty. I think every time we adventure out into nature that John so loved he will be with us all, and that brings me some comfort, I hope it brings you some of the same. Let me know of course if there is anything I can do. We all miss and love both of you

Ben Graboyes

Erin,

  I've been in tears all night and will continue to enter into sadness and sorrow for our loss.  I want to kick, scream, cry and yell!  I'm calling out to heaven relentlessly for Grace that you and I can't understand.  I believe you will experience heaven on earth and receive the reward of redemption that goes beyond what others have known.  I’m here with you, petitioning for you, we are in this together.  Something I remember John saying that I will never forget when he visited last year, he said: “I am so glad I chose Erin, I have never met another like her.  I know I made the right choice.”

Love Joren

Hey Erin,

Trevor is off the grid in Sumatra, so I took the liberty of contacting his mother in hopes she would be able to establish some sort of communication with him and relay the news.  She wrote back to tell me she had plans to honor John from her home on the Rappahannock.  We’ve had a couple emails back and forth, so I’m just going to copy and paste what she said below:

“In a twist of fate, Trevor was able to get a weak cell signal from high atop a hill in Sumatra so I've told him the news of John's crossing over. He has not yet replied but he will likely see it before too long.  Meanwhile I am weaving together a tiny raft and setting it afloat at sunset in honor of John. It will carry a tea candle aboard it and healing energy will head down stream toward the Bay and the ocean beyond.”

And from today:

“I've decided to take the little raft out and release it by kayak on the next calm day we have and I’ll use my i phone to capture an image and send it to you. I've also set up a really gorgeous Buddha surrounded by semi- precious polished stones in tiny bamboo fiber "offering bowls". I'll keep that in place for 39 days as that is a Buddhist tradition.”

She said that although she didn’t know John, she hasn’t been able to stop thinking about you and his family.  

Your loss is unimaginable. You have suffered one of the worst injuries a soul can bear.  Take heart in the fact that there are many that love you. Even ones you don’t know about.

Jon Lowman

Erin,

I can't stop thinking about you & John.  You in particular. I wish there was something I could do.  Some way I could make it alright.  The three of us had a special friendship.  Rarely do you meet a couple & become independent friends with both parties.  I love you.  I love John.  I love you & John.  So often I think of a couple as a package deal. It was never that way with y'all.  I could hang out with you or John or you & John.  I love you individually & love you together.  I was always so happy to be with either of you.  

I have so much respect for you.  The way you manage a work life balance.  I always felt connected to you because of that.  You were one of the few in the kayaking world who managed a career while being drawn to the outside world.  It's tough.  I feel it every day & loved being able to talk so openly with someone else in the same boat.  I was insanely proud & jealous of you when you made the decision to walk away from Target.   You & John needed an adventure.  I couldn't stop smiling when you posted that picture online of you & John on the Smith.  I could see the joy in your faces.  It made me so happy for my friends.  

John was great because he made me forget about it all.  He didn't want to hear about work & I didn't want to talk to him about it.  When I was on a river with John, the moment was all that mattered.  I loved paddling with him because I perceived it to be all about the river.  In retrospect, maybe it was about something more.  Maybe I was supposed to look at the bigger picture & take that peaceful focus with me off the river.  We didn't have to talk.  We'd often go rapids exchanging only smiles as communication.  We explored together.  When John was doing something, it was always for the right reason.  I feel so blessed for the time I shared with him.  It was golden.

The two of you!  God I loved y'all together.  I can close my eyes & go back into that eddy under iron ring.  Watching you carry your boat around that damn rapid AGAIN.  Listening to John go on about how you need to just man up & quit letting your fear control you AGAIN.  This sounds like a negative memory but it makes me so happy to think about.  I'd always just laugh & start doing stern squirts till you got back in the water.  John would quickly follow suit & we'd be a happy family floating down that river yet again.  You two balanced each other so perfectly.  I will always cherish the moments I spent with you two on & off the river.  He didn't say it often, but John was always so proud of you.  He loved you endlessly.  The fact that John Wilburn, of all people, would publicly respond to the name "Muffin" says it all.  John was not a "muffin" kind of guy.  He paddled big water.  He ran waterfalls.  He climbed mountains.  He went caving.  He rode technical trails at night.  He rode a motorcycle.  He was your "muffin".  

My heart hurts for you.  I miss my friend John but can't imagine being in your shoes.  I want nothing more than to grab you & give you a big hug.  I want to help you but don't know how.  I'm going to kind of bug you for a while.  I plan on calling often.  Sending memories your way as they surface.  If it becomes too much, do not hesitate to tell me.  I will understand.  I deal with most things quietly.  I like to be alone when things are hard.  If you need that space, tell me.  I may listen.  

I was on the river the other day & speaking with John.  I could feel him in the wind.  See him in the water.  Hear him in the rapids.  He was there.  I told him I would help you.  I promised that I'd always be there if you needed me.  I told him that I would do anything I could to make you smile.  Life is going to be hard.  Really, really hard.  You've got a long road ahead of you.  Just don't forget to smile when the time is right. 

So much love,

Harrison

This is God's love. I am so grateful for my family and friends. I have not walked alone through this at all. You have all been with me, and through you, God continues to show me his unconditional love.