Dear John

"Actually, the best gift you could have given her was a lifetime of adventures."  Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

                                                                                   Photo by Hootie Boucher
                                             
Dear John,

I finally found you among the most beautiful river this past week.  I’ve been searching for even the smallest glimpses of you for the past few years.   I look for you on every river, every trail, the trees and mountains, through music and good recipes, in my dreams, in those that knew you so well and even those that never did.   I seem to always come up empty handed,  wondering so desperately where your spirit is in each moment that passes, what purpose you now serve, and if you remember your life here.   Even now, do you ever find yourself  feeling disabled the way that I still do, as if you are missing a limb or a lung?  I would hope that the soul feels no pain, no regrets, yet the human side of me would rather you carry this burden with me.  

I finally returned to Southern Oregon this past week for a four day self-support trip down the Wild and Scenic section of the Rogue river.  It was a few years ago that I left our life behind and fled, and I have to tell you, it is the one place I’ve avoided since you left this world.  This place we once called home is still so incredibly beautiful, yet can have a way of placing a weight so heavy on my chest I feel as if I can’t breathe at times, so I’ve stayed away for years.  Southern Oregon reminds me that it wasn’t so long ago that you were very much real, that I was once a wife, and our life was just beginning in a new town with new friends and new adventures.  So I returned to this past life this week feeling anxious and vulnerable, for there were no distractions from what once was, and I knew I had to sit with that for the first time in a long time.  I felt small pings in my chest as we flew over Mt. Shasta, and the endless Douglas firs that appeared below the clouds.  I knew immediately you were here. 

You were so present on the river that I felt speechless at times.  Everything about who you were and what you stood for I saw and felt in the current, each rapid, even in the explosions of unpredictable boils among the canyon that sent me into out of control spins.  It was high water on the Rogue.  I knew you felt my anxiousness and the fear in my chest when you appeared at the bottom of each rapid, reminding me that “this is IT Erin, the only thing that can stop you from conquering each move through each rapid is yourself.”  So I tried hard to embrace the current, let it have its way with me, and let go of this need to control everything.  I pictured you up ahead through each rapid, making each move look so easy.  I remembered what it felt like to follow your orange boat and the trust I always put in you with each run.  You were with me.

 The scenery and wild life made constant statements to me that we’ve made this world way too complicated.  We’re so caught up in what is happening next that we can’t see God’s manifestation in everything all around us.  We seem to miss the fact that our creator wants to bless us in every moment, but we limit this incredible love with our own blindness.  We can’t hear these small miracles happening all around us because our eyes are so far ahead.  We don’t know how to unplug and let go of our obsession with technology, social media, other people’s lives.  We struggle to sit with ourselves and listen. You reminded me this past week that you never lived this way, and while it may never have been spoken between us, I now know that you saw God everywhere.  You took one day at a time, you stayed present when I did not.  You saw and heard the things I could not because I was caught up in total distraction.  I believe I saw for the first time this past week what you were always able to see and it was beautiful.  You allowed me to see the world around me through your eyes this week, and it became so much more clear than what I saw with mine.

Everything I needed was found in a family of friends, my kayak, a tent and a good book.  I became a part of a river family that worked together every day to move safely down the river together and live each day within a community among the river banks.  We unloaded, set-up camp, cooked food, and re-loaded together every day as a team.  There were no other distractions or agendas we had to follow.   I laughed my ass off and learned how to let go again and be silly.  I got to be a kid again.  It was so simple.  We all unplugged together.

I saw you in all of these people every day and the way they choose to live.  You told me to really look at these individuals and let them be an example to me.  I think for the first time I really understood what you wanted all along for us, why you chose this unique place for us to move to together.  You and your way of life was everywhere along the beautiful Rogue and I felt so grateful to spend this time with you, remembering you and honoring the man that you were and the evident energy I know in my heart you now carry. 

You demanded my presence and respect this week for how precious life is, and how temporarily we are here.  I looked hard at my own life and reflected on just how big God is and how much I have to be grateful for.  While re-visiting our past, I missed Tristan more than I ever have and the life I now have with him.  I felt home sick for him.  It became even more apparent while searching for glimpses of you that Tristan’s love is so huge and so giving and so pure.  Over time, his kindness and patience has healed my broken heart in ways I never thought were possible.  I felt as if you were reminding me that this love is here right now in the present, and somehow through the pain I’ve carried over the years,  this love happened to still find me, and it was always supposed to.  He will never be you, and you will never be him, but what confluences all of us together is simply love.  I think you've wanted me to see this all along.  

During my time on the Rogue, you asked me to recognize this love, acknowledge it's rareness and respect my life right now with Tristan, for it is withering just like we were.  You once again reminded me to stay present and participate in this love that is so alive, for it could be gone at any moment.  You helped me to see that deeper courage comes from allowing the heart to love without limitations and comparisons.  Deeper courage comes from allowing new love in regardless of the pain, instead of staying stuck in a past that is dead.  I now see this more clearly.

I and others carried what is left of the physical presence of you this week every day, searching for just the right place to let you go.  We held you together and embraced each other as we let you go over the beautiful clear water fall that merges with the powerful Rogue river.  The roaring sound of the water fall as you dropped over it’s edges reminded me that you are no longer imprisoned in your flesh or limited by your body.  I believe you can do anything now.  I recognized in that moment that it is not your purpose to constantly  remember this life time with me, for these are feelings of the flesh, not the soul.  Your purpose is far beyond that.  I have to believe that others that choose to embark on this trip away from the distraction and chaos of this world will always be affected by your energy out there.  This energy will make others better, it will make our world better.

You belong in Southern Oregon my love, and I truly believe it's where your spirit now ventures.  It is where you were the happiest and best version of yourself and I will always be so grateful that you found such a wonderful spot to rest and radiate such incredible love and energy to others.  I am so grateful for the time I was able to spend with you on this trip, and for the knowledge you revealed to me during my time on the river.

So to you dear John, thank you for visiting me along the beautiful Rogue and reminding me that your love is not gone, and you have not forgotten those of us that look for you everywhere.  In fact it is just the opposite.  Your adventurous spirit demands our presence and respect for these beautiful rare places.  It is in these places that we find you and experience and remember everything you were and are now.

I return to my current life a little more clear of my intentions in this world, and a better appreciation and respect for the few places left in our world that allow us to adventure, explore, and completely unplug.  

Thank you John.

I love you always and forever,

Erin.

Unchaining God

"If you do not find God in the next person you meet, it is a waste of time looking for him further."  Mahatma Gandhi

I was told to close my eyes and to simply listen to her voice.  She asked me to describe my last delicious meal, how I felt, who it was with, what it was. I talked about the Mexican dish I made Tristan a few nights before and the mixture of salsa I threw together, yet it somehow tasted delicious. I told her I felt tired, accomplished with the day, at peace in my new home and happy to be with Tristan.   She then told me to think about the most peaceful place on earth.  Picture this place in my mind and go there.  I immediately pictured the gorge, and the overlook I enjoy sitting on in my neighborhood.  I felt myself sitting on the cold stone, I saw the river below, the bridge, the sound of the trees.  She told me to picture a heavy fog slowly drifting over the rim.  Picture everything being engulfed in this fog and to allow myself to be taken with the mist.  I felt myself slowly fading with the fog and drifting further and further away from my sitting spot.  She told me we were traveling to another time, another place.  She told me to allow myself to go somewhere else, find that memory.  She told me that my body was coming back to one, to feel my arms and legs.  She told me as the fog clears to look down at my feet, to look at myself and my surroundings, and tell her about it.

I saw tan feet, laced in sandals.  I seemed to be dressed in some kind of wrapped cloth.  I was standing by a river, facing a vast array of mountains.  I couldn’t seem to identify my face, I believe I was female.  I was collecting water.  I saw a village, large tents, people working together, preparing what seemed to be a big meal.  I sensed community, a large family.  I sensed I had a role here that mattered.  This dinner led to what looked like a wedding.  A celebration.  She looked so happy, fulfilled.  I felt proud of her, I sensed she was my child, now a woman choosing love.  I was so happy for her.  This was a beautiful day. 

She told me to go to my death, go to my last day in this life.  I was lying down, there were many present, what seemed like family.  My chest felt very heavy, tight, coughing. I sensed someone right by my side.  Other’s were smiling.   She asked me what I learned from this life, who did I need to forgive, who needed to forgive me?  I felt as if nothing was unresolved, all I sensed was love, community, family.  It was not a hard life from what I could tell, it was quite simple actually.  My heart felt big. 

She then told me to allow someone to come forward that I love deeply, who do I see.  I instantly saw John.  She asked where I was.  I sensed on the river.  I was following him.  We weren’t  talking, I was simply following him, trying to mimic his moves.  Every so often he would turn around and look at me.  It felt like a reassurance.  I felt safe, a sense of calm.  Complete security.  She asked me to go to the next significant event.  I immediately saw his death.  I could literally see every event of that 24 hour period as if it was yesterday.  The calmness was suddenly gone, and every emotion and reaction came forward.  I felt things I have not felt in a long time, total panic.  

She then told me to go forward and see John now.  I saw him directly in front of me.  It was as if we were floating in space.  She told me to acknowledge his love and let it take over.  I looked at him and felt the warmth between us.  I saw his smile, he looked healthy and vibrant.   She told me to give my love back to him, let it move from me to him, allow him to acknowledge this love.  She told me to forgive myself while with him in this moment.  She told me to forgive him, release the regret and anger of choices made that day.  See him now for what he is.  I sobbed through this unique interaction, it felt as if my heart was exploding again. 

 She asked me to acknowledge the irreversible bond between us, to recognize this eternal love, to physically see the light between us.   She reminded me again of eternal love, to always remember the acknowledgement of that love within me.  She then told me to let him go, for he still had purpose, I still had purpose, and both of us had to go forward now.  I sat in this vision for a while longer until I felt ready.    I then saw John fading, still smiling, but fading into what looked like a mist.  I sensed in this moment that he had purpose, as if he was busy, with work to do, yet not too far from me.  I did not sense death anymore. 

This experience was completely bizarre, stressful, yet also healing and lovely at the same time.  I found it hard to really let go and allow these thoughts to come forward with this guide.  I don't know why I saw this particular life of the woman by the river, and why this life, her life was so simple.  Maybe it was a reminder that not every life presents heart ache, that some lives can simply be good and we don't always have to expect the worst.  We can allow ourselves to be happy.  I became intrigued with past life experiences after losing John.  This interest only grew over time until  I finally decided to go through it myself.  I can't truly say if it was real or not.  I can only speak of what I saw, what I felt during this session and how it affected me.

For over 2 years, I've been asking myself two questions.  What purpose did John's death serve?  Why am I still here?  I think deep grief can cause us to really question what the point of all of this is.  Grief demands questions that many times cannot be answered.  Many want a cure for the pain, a magic formula that stops the deep chest ache.  I am starting to feel that the cure lies within our ability to open our minds, to consider everything that could be, and to stop compartmentalizing God.  

I am starting to feel strongly that John's death sparked a curiosity in me that I could not ignore.  This curiosity has led me to enlightenment, a new perspective on the world we live in and why we are here.  I believe I am experiencing a spiritual shift, an awakening that was not there before.   I believe his death is the reason I am just now starting to understand how big God is and how endless this love is for human kind. 

I do not believe Religion is necessary to know God.  I love the bible.  I believe the messages in scripture can be life changing, but I believe God can connect with anyone regardless of what they have or have not read.  I believe God is bigger than the Bible, the Tripitaka, the Torah.  I believe God loves people from all religions, all back grounds and perspectives.  I believe this love is always available to us, yet so many of us don't love ourselves, so we essentially can't love God when this happens.  I believe that hell is merely the experience of suffering on earth, a cycle of karma that we can get stuck in when we refuse to consider more than what we were simply told, when we don't self-reflect, when we don't love ourselves.  I believe we have many lives to experience and each life presents it's own challenges, it's own lessons.  I believe each lesson we learn draws us closer to God.  I believe our bodies are simply a vessel for our soul when we are here, and the soul never dies.   I do not believe you burn in a raging fire for eternity if you make a terrible mistake.  I truly believe God is love and love only.  I believe we lose our sense of God when we allow ourselves to feel hate, resentment, judgment towards others.  These feelings instill fear and as Jesus said himself, there is no fear in love, yet perfect love drives out fear.   We create our own hell when we don't choose love.

I want more love, less hate, less anger, less judgement, fewer categories.   I want more Jesus, less Religion.  I want God for everyone from all backgrounds, not just one group of people.  

I was hesitant to write about my experience, about this shift in my heart.  Yet, I feel that asking questions and considering more saved me, and allowed me to move forward.  I think those going through deep grief, unresolved pain can truly cure themselves when they consider a love that has no end, no limits, no loop holes.   Unchaining God let this love grow so deep within me, I feel as if I can notice it everywhere now. 

In the Midst of Hell, Where is God?

There were about 40 of our closest friends and family present for my wedding day on July 28th, 2012.  We all gathered in my parents front yard.  I forgot my flowers and switched shoes with our officiant about 5 minutes before the ceremony.  People drank beers while we said our vows to each other, and about an hour after the ceremony John and I jumped in the pool and remained there the rest of the evening.  It was perfect, hilarious, fun, and everything I could have wanted in a wedding that day.

Marriage is one of the most beautiful things I've ever done with my life.  It has taken me a while to really see July 28th as a beautiful memory and find the strength to only reflect on that, not the loss.  My heart goes out to widows and widowers that have to walk through that mile stone each year, for it is one of the hardest one's to face for someone who has lost their spouse.

 Last year on July 28th, my wonderful mom drove up to Fayetteville to spend the day with me.  I had been living in the New River Gorge for about a year at this point and felt drawn to finding a permanent home for myself.  I moved into my adorable rental home in Fayetteville after leaving Oregon with about 100 items that were once John's that ended up displayed throughout my house. I remember at the time I even had my buddy Harrison unpack John's clothes into a closet.   It sounds nuts, but I think the mind can do some crazy things in the midst of grief.   While the presence of these material ghost were so comforting at first, this became more of a weight as months went by.  A constant reminder that they were not in use anymore and he was not returning no matter how many pictures I displayed or shirts I hung up.  Someone once told me that at some point after losing my spouse, I would have to find a way to put John in his place.  I did not understand this until I realized the denial I was living in, immersed in his belongings and trying to create the image of a life that did not exist anymore.

 There is something so peaceful about standing in the depths of the woods in silence.  I found an acre that was for sale that day and stood among the trees with my mom.  I remember standing there and just feeling this warm feeling wash over me.  It's like if the trees could talk they would have said, "Here I am, I've been here waiting for you all along."  I had no clue what building your own home entailed and what it would take to complete such a project, but the feelings I had that day I couldn't ignore.  I felt like a magnet to these woods and envisioned a simple home right in the middle of it.

 I met with a contractor a few days later, and we broke ground at the end of August 2015.

 My contractor Mike and I have been a pretty solid match from the start.  Not only is he fantastic at what he does, but he also spends a lot of his time volunteering for search and rescue in West Virginia.  I have a feeling he has seen it all.  When multiple homes were flooded throughout southern West Virginia, Mike worked endless hours helping rescue people from their homes.  I told Mike about John and what happened to him, what life had been like since his death, leaving us now standing among the woods together looking at a blue print.

Mike and his team have been building my home for 11 months now.  I've spent 11 months picking out everything from paint colors to faucet heads to light fixtures.  It's crazy to envision something and then actually see the physical come together.   I think Mike somehow just understood what I needed and that this house was more than just a house.  It became a major part of my healing process and an outlet for my pain.  Building this house became a vision of strength for me, an act of moving forward and speaking truth to the life I still want.

With each phase of this house, I became stronger.  I learned how to have vision, how to speak to it.  I started to take back my life, to embrace what is still here right now in the present.  I stopped living in my past among my material ghosts.  During these 11 months I met a man that tells me I am beautiful and loved every day, even at my worst moments.  I never thought that was possible.  This house became a representation of new love that totally caught me by surprise.

It is hard to wrap my brain around the continuous evil in this world.  It is everywhere right now.  I don't know why innocent people suffer, why loved ones are killed, and what drives people to cause harm to others.  I don't know why natural disaster happens to some and not others.   I don't know why John died at age 30 or what purpose it served.   I have no answers for his death and the hundreds of others who have left this world too soon.  I've had people ask me, where is God in this?  What kind of God allows this to happen?  How can you believe in a loving God when you see what is happening throughout this world, when you think of what happened to John?

Where is God in the midst of hell on earth?  How close is God to all of this pain and suffering?  Is the continued violence and hate a representation of our distance from God?  These are all questions I've asked myself throughout the last few years.  I don't have the exact answers for anyone, none of us really will until we aren't here anymore.

I lost my husband.  He was only 30, we were newly weds, and it was the first time in my life that I found myself in my own personal hell.  Words can't describe the pain that came with John's death, so when I think of the constant violence around our world and how bad it can really get, I really have no words for what people are going through.  

I believe that God is here.  I believe God is centered in the midst of all the horrible stuff happening everywhere and still loving the people of this world.  I believe God weeps for those that are hurting, those that are hurting others.  I believe we are granted free will every day to do and choose as we wish which to me is incredible.   It must take unimaginable discipline to have unconditional love for the people of this world, but give us the freedom to go down a path that is only going to cause immense pain.  I believe God places the right direction in our hearts, but we let the chaos of this world get the best of us a lot and choose other paths.  We let our bitterness, resentment and rage pull us so far away from God.  When we find ourselves in the middle of our own hell, it's so hard to see through it, to see what could be in the future.  I believe we are human and God understands this.  I believe we need to find more moments of silence, away from the constant distractions of this world to try and listen for that direction.  We need the silence to see the constant miracles all around us and the beauty that is still here, even in the middle of our pain.

 I do not believe my life is a coincidence or that things happen by chance.  I have favor in my life that I can't explain, doors that have opened that make no sense.  I've been given breaks that I didn't deserve.

I stand in the woods that surround my new home and look back at the last almost 2 1/2 years of life since John.  I am so overwhelmed with blessings and favor and joy.  God is so present in these woods.  John's love is here in these woods, in this home.  In the midst of my hell, God has been here the entire time.  In my own rage, my own resentment, in the pain of my body, I haven't always seen this light. It doesn't mean it wasn't there.  I just didn't tap into it.   This beautiful home in the woods is one of many representations of that light.  I hope others that find themselves in their own hell , in their own humility remember that God is still here.  This light, this love has been here all along.  It is the most consistent love we've been given as humans.  Having faith in that and trusting that in the midst of your pain sparks sufficient grace, new joy, new direction, new perspective.  I am a walking testimony of this.

I am so grateful to Mike Gray and his team for helping my vision come to life and exposing that incredible light in the midst of my hell.  Building this home in the woods helped me heal more than they will ever know.   I won't forget that.

Restoring Double

"Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion.  Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, everlasting joy will be theirs."  Isaiah 61:7

  My thoughts led to these words the other day while on a quiet hike with my dogs. Grace,  mercy,  restoration, peace, light, joy, wisdom, elevation, forgiveness, consciousness, soul mate, soul recognition, knowledge, reincarnation, God.   As I walked in the misty rain, I smiled at the recognition that the heart can grow bigger.  It can create new space that can blend just perfectly with both the past and present.

I admit that I never believed this before.  Being married to John felt like a heart explosion.  It felt as if his heart beat for both of us.  I identified my marriage as my soul recognition of love and all it entailed.   My past, present and my future were all completely wrapped in this union with him. I knew nothing beyond that.  I am a believer that the physical heart can recognize and react to deep physical pain, and incredible joy.  One can physically feel the effects of deep grief, and the result of great happiness.  Our hearts are incredible machines and we can feel it all.

It has been over 2 years since losing my husband.  There isn't a day that passes where my heart doesn't ache and miss him deeply.  I see pictures like this and feel sometimes like the wind has been knocked out of me.  He was so young and so vibrant and I can't help but wonder where life would have taken him if he was still here.

                                                 

  Loss this big is with you forever.  The ache never leaves and it must be managed daily. I believe that some people walk through this kind of pain more seamlessly than others because of a willingness to live presently and the recognition of how big God really is.  I believe that the choice to consider this bigger picture leads to peace, new joy, a higher level of consciousness.                                            

I've seen some wear John's death like a black shawl.  His death infused in them so deeply that they have spiraled into a place that is so dark with no hope and no love.   The ability to love themselves seizes. We can only grow and heal if we want to, if we choose to, if we ask.  I believe some would rather sit in their grief until their last breath then choose the harder path of considering a bigger picture and purpose.  Considering how John lived and what truly honors the life he had and our role in that now, while we are still here.  All they know is their physical pain, they can't see beyond it, maybe they don't want to.

"Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."  Zechariah 9:12

 I am 32 years old, and I think I am just now really starting to understand how big God really is.  How endless this love is and how there is nothing in the world that can separate us from this kind of love.  Nothing.  God mentions over 10 times throughout scripture that he will restore double to those that have suffered yet turn to him.  These testimonies are stories of loss, incredible pain, brokenness, all turned to joy with trust in a bigger picture, restored double for what was lost.

"The Lord restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the Lord increased all that Job had twofold."  Job 42:10

I look at Tristan every morning and feel once again that my heart may explode.  I feel as if love just radiates throughout Tristan, and I feel God's love whenever I am with him. I feel restoration, peace, forgiveness, joy.  I believe in soul recognition and that certain hearts are simply drawn to one another because this isn't our first rodeo.  I feel as if I've known Tristan for years the same way I felt as if I had known John when we met.

God shows me through Tristan that the heart can grow bigger, the heart can love again.  That each love is different, yet can be just as powerful.   I look at Tristan and see this incredible heart that seems to love me no matter what.  He brings out new strengths, new perspective, a new level of consciousness that leads to a higher knowledge of God.  When he really looks at me, I almost feel as if I can see my husband through him.  This recognition and reminder that I am a woman to be loved and to never forget that.

Two weeks before John passed, he looked at me one night over dinner and said, "Erin, you realize that you are capable of loving more than one person.  The heart is capable of many great loves."  It was so odd to me at the time that he said this to me.  I think about those words now and my mind is blown.  I look at Tristan and I remember those words.

I look at Tristan, I walk quietly in the woods, I see a house being built, a career growing, my family and friends, this unexplainable stability, and I feel the incredible love of my husband and the unconditional endless love of God.

I believe we have been here before, and we will be here again.  I believe we are here to learn, to serve, to forgive and love, and to recognize the importance of the presence.  I believe the soul is timeless and eternal.  I believe that only in the flesh can we harbor hate, grudges, the inability to forgive, rage.  Yet if we can choose to consider what is beyond us, if we can reach this new level of consciousness, this recognition of our creator and how big that love really is, we can truly see our purpose.

I believe within these choices, we feel God's love, we gain double restoration.

My First Tattoo

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, it’s jealousy unyielding to the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.  Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.  If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would utterly be scorned.”  Song of Songs 8:6-7

I got my first tattoo about a month ago in Richmond, Virginia.  About a year after John died I decided I wanted a particular design that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.  I asked my sister Lizzie to design it.  The first drawing she gave to me I knew immediately I wanted it for life.  Right around the two year anniversary of John's death, Lizzie, Luke and I made our way to Loose Screw Tattoo in trendy Cary town where one very talented tattoo artist drew a beautiful heron on my back with the saying below:  “Raya, Ahava, Dod.”

 I started seeing blue herons shortly after John died.  It’s not that I didn’t see them before, but the way I saw these beautiful birds was noticeably different after March 9^th.  The first time I got back into my kayak and paddled the Rogue river with my buddy Lisa, a beautiful heron followed us the entire stretch of the river.  It’s hard for me to explain, but I had a deep feeling that day that John was there, letting his presence be known through this beautiful bird.  As time passed, it seemed that during some of my darkest moments I would see a heron and each time a sense of peace would wash over me.  I’ve heard of this happening to others who have lost loved ones.  Some saw deer, some saw rainbows, heart shaped rocks, feathers.  Regardless of what truly happens after we are gone, I believe that energy doesn't die, and energy can be seen and expressed through many forms.  While we can’t prove the significance of these appearances, we can simply feel it and trust that there is so much more  beyond our present existence. 

According to the Native American culture, if you read about the blue heron, heron’s represent self reliance and self determination. Heron’s represent  the ability to progress and evolve.  The tall skinny legs show us that one doesn’t need strong pillars to stand independently, but every individual in this world must be able to stand on their own two feet.  It’s interesting to me that I started seeing heron’s after John died, for he always pushed me to do things myself and not always rely on him for help.

Over the last two years, I've come to understand that the best marriage is one where two people recognize that love for one’s self, love for our individual purpose in this world, love for our creator is what leads to deep incredible love for each other.  It is the recognition that our time here is temporary, so choosing to stay present with each other, and respecting each other’s individual purpose in this world brings out a wonderful partnership.  If we can’t stand on our own feet and love ourselves and who we really are separate from our spouse, we develop co-dependency.  We identify ourselves solely in our partner which leads to idolization of our loved one and placing them above all.  “I wouldn’t be able to live without you.”  “You are my heart.” “You complete me.”  “I’ve lost myself in you.”   I’ve heard these statements from so many throughout my life, from myself as well.  This is dangerous for putting this kind of pressure and reliance on the flesh is impossible.  

I believe I could have been a better wife had I understood what it meant to choose self-love first.   I could have loved John even more than I already did.  Seeing these beautiful herons and reflecting on what they represent has led me to truly reflect on where we could have been better as a team.  Where I could have encouraged this individual purpose in him.  I believe I chose full reliance on him for my own happiness instead of independent love for myself.  I understand this now.  The heron on my back is a reminder to remember our marriage both for better and for worse.  The heron reminds me to stand on my own two feet and to always remember my individual purpose in this world and love for myself and my creator  first so I can be a great partner to someone else.   The heron reminds me of John's self-drive and determination and his belief in me to be a strong woman that can stand independently from him, yet still love him fiercely.  

The saying below the heron is this:  "Raya, Ahava, Dod."  These three words represent the three Hebrew words for love.  My favorite scripture throughout the bible comes from Song of Songs.  It’s nothing like anything else in the bible.  It’s like reading beautiful poetry between two lovers.  It’s a representation of unconditional love between two people.  Song of Songs is where I learned about the trinity of love.  Some refer to this as the three flames of love. 

Raya means Friendship.  This is a friend, a companion, your "soul mate.”  Your spouse is your best friend.  Marriage starts with a deep friendship that only grows over time. 

Ahava means deep affection and commitment.  This is a desire that feels like an explosion in your heart.  A drive to be with a person so much that your heart literally aches with joy.  It is a love that is much more profound than fleeting romantic feelings.  It is a desire that is so strong that it leads people to choose to join their lives together forever.  Ahava is what makes love for each other last through the toughest times.  It is the commitment involved in making a relationship work.  Ahava represents loves as a choice. 

Dod means passion.  These are the romantic feelings, the complete intimacy and magnetic attraction between two people.  The kind of physical contact that can almost feel electrical.  Like you fit perfectly with that other person and your bodies just connect.

These three flames must burn together in a marriage and balance one another.  When these are out of balance or one is missing, you see relationships fail.  While Dod can feel amazing and Dod may be what initially attracts us to someone, two people that only achieve Dod have a relationship that typically fades quickly.  We were not meant to only connect through sex.  The truth, when Raya and Ahava are present in the relationship, the Dod can be mind blowing.  Dod without deeper connection can feel empty.  You can see the other part of this in relationships too.  There are couples that have been together for 30-40 years.  Raya and parts of Ahava are there.  They have known each other for years and are committed to the relationship, but the passion, the Dod is gone.  Two have become roommates over time. 

I believe that marriage is understanding this trinity and it's crucial balance in the days, and hopefully years to come. Every day is a choice to balance these three flames together and to recognize when things are out of balance, choosing to work together through transparency and encouraging self-love in each other so you are the best version of yourselves in the relationship.

These three flames represent what I will always have with John.  These words also speak truth to what I believe in for my future. What I want and believe in for my current relationship.  When two people can achieve this kind of balanced love, it goes far beyond the grave.  Our souls are connected beyond our flesh.  For magnetic energy between two people does not die, it lives on. 

 I love my new body art.  As odd as it may sound, I even loved the physical pain of getting it. It felt as if the pain was a reminder of how far I have come, yet also a reminder to never forget where I came from and how I have been carried.  It reminds me of the gratitude I owe to my creator, my family and friends for continuing to support and love me unconditionally.  It's a statement of respect towards my past and truth towards my future.  It is a representation of my belief that we are all here to love and will continue to love well beyond our flesh, well beyond our grave, so love really is the best choice we can all make.

I don't know if this will be my first and only piece of body art, but regardless I am so happy I now have it and for the experience of getting it.

All That Is Left

"I have dreams where our souls dance with our silhouettes and the only light that exists is the reflection of the moon across the sea.  I have dreams where it is just you and me and we are infinite, and we are careless, and we are brave as the waves crash like burning ashes against our tired feet."  Christopher Poindexter

 We live in a broken world.  I often feel imprisoned in my own flesh.  A body that grows older each day, new pains, new marks.  I believe that is why it is only temporary.  I thank God every day for that.  I believe this world is made for our souls to grow. I believe we choose to come here to learn, teach, serve our purpose, and then go home to our creator.  John taught me so much in our time together.   He was one of the few people I knew who was cut off from social media and most technology.  His world consisted of the trees, the rivers, his guitar and old books.  He owned a flip phone for emergency use only.  I knew no one like him, yet I felt so drawn to his energy.  This was a curiosity that continued to grow even after his death.  

Did he truly serve his purpose?  I am sure many have wondered how a young man who was just starting his life could have completed everything he was meant to come here for.  I've had some tell me, "What a waste."  Was it though?  His impact on this world was pretty significant for such a young man, effecting so many people who are still here.  Did he choose this life?  This is something I ask myself every day, yet it seems to be the only way I can justify his death.  

In three days, it will be  March 9th.  It will mark 2 years since John lost his life that day on the Smith River.  I haven't been myself for the last few weeks.  I feel sleep deprived, my chest is tight, my headaches are back.  I feel agitated and cranky, as if I am on the verge of snapping.  The month of March seems to turn me into someone I am not so fond of.  She takes over and suddenly, I don't feel as light or joyful anymore.  It felt as if the world had stopped turning that day.  I remember everything.  Every detail, every feeling, and the desperation that seemed to suffocate me as each hour passed.  It became a living nightmare within minutes.  

When we lose someone so close to us, we are forced to walk through mile stones in the years to come.  Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, holidays.  I have been able to look back during many mile stones throughout the last 2 years and remember something beautiful.  These memories are ingrained in me, and I sometimes speak of them as if he is still here.  Maybe it is easier that way.  March 9th is a  mile stone that has no beauty, no hope, yet I and many others are still forced to walk through it every year and remember.

These physical reactions to me, are not of God.  Reliving someone's death over and over again truly gets you no where.  I have found that if anything, I push God out during these times and I let the darkness take over.  This leads to anger, regret, resentment towards others.  I let myself become a victim of this loss.  I lash out at others, people I care about.  Nothing good comes from that.  I've learned this lesson a few times over the last 2 years, and I am sure I will continue to battle this darkness in the days to come.  I've learned to recognize when my mind and heart go there, acknowledge it and try and change direction.  For what other choice is there?  Rage and anger don't bring them back.

We live in a world full of judgement, stress, hatred, fighting.  There are times I feel as if the choice to love has been cast aside.  It's amazing to me what can ruin a person's day.  Traffic, waiting on food, a flight cancellation, the wrong paint color.  The list goes on and on.  I see couples snap at each other and pick each other apart.  Two people together yet not engaged at all, glued to a phone.  It makes me cringe every time.  I often wonder if they even know what they have.

All that is left are bone fragments and ash that can rest in my hands.  I have pictures that remind me he was once real, breathing, a heart beat, talking, alive.  I have one voice mail left.  I have go pros's from his time on the river.  These items became like fine gold to me.  Yet they are just items.  Physical ghosts.  They don't talk back.  They don't fill the void.  The things that used to upset me and distract me when John was alive completely disgust me now.  None of it mattered.  

My questions to those choosing to read my words are this.  Are you alive?   Are your loved ones alive?  Are you engaged with them?  Are you present?  Do those around you know how much you love them?  Is love the first choice?  Do you know your creator and the incredible love this universe has for you?  Have you asked?

These questions became daily for me after losing my husband. These questions will continue to make me a better woman, a stronger woman not only for myself but for those I love, those that are still here.  A woman that can serve her purpose the right way and then go home.

So March 9th will come and go and people will remember him.  I will get up and go to work that day, eyes ahead with a smile on my face.  I won't relive his death.  I may not even cry.  What I will do is be present with those still here, and remember those that have been so incredibly kind and loving to me over the past 2 years.  Those that took risk that day to recover him.  Those that called me every day, sat with me in silence, were available at all hours of the night.  Those that have continued to honor him and take their own adventures.  I will think of the many friends, family, and strangers that have continued to impact me over the last 2 years.  Most importantly I'll say thank you to my creator for carrying me every single day and choosing love for me regardless of my rage, my anger, my resentment. For without that I would be nothing.  

Let what is left in my hands be a reminder that we are only here for a short amount of time.  So remember those that are still here.  Remember to show love.  Remember to look around and be present.  Put your hope in eternity, where home truly is.  For when we truly do that, all that is left is just a reminder of what is to come, a place we'll all be reunited one day, where love is the only choice.

Crawling

"What you seek is seeking you."  Rumi

I am starting to believe that we speak truth to the realities around us.  I believe we can create the realities we feel we deserve.

This truth can have a negative effect as well.  There have been times in my life where I felt I wasn't good enough for a promotion, worthy enough of a relationship, smart enough for a certain school, cool enough for a friend.  Looking back over these different experiences, I have realized that I myself created those realities.  There was no one to blame but me for these moments of self-doubt. 

 We have the ability to speak truth to where we are, what we are doing, who we become.  We also have the ability to speak truth to our realities when the unexpected happens, when a chapter comes to an end, a door closes that we did not foresee.  I have learned over the last 23 months that I can choose how to use my pain, and what the outcome of my loss will be.  Every morning has been a choice since John died.

A few months after losing John, I began to ask myself two questions every morning.  "What kind of woman am I?"  "What kind of life would I like to have?"

I am a woman that is meant to love and be loved.  I have been speaking truth to this every morning since John died.  The greatest gift I believe God has given me in my 32 years here on earth, is the ability to love.  There is nothing greater or more precious than this.  

I met Tristan this past summer during an evening in Fayetteville that included sliders and beers with friends.  Tristan had just moved to the area from California to work at the local bike shop in town and work as a seasonal mountain bike guide in the gorge.  Tristan's love for Fayetteville was so big he decided to stay for the year.  Over the summer, into the fall, into the winter, we became great friends.  We got to know each other through adventuring into the outdoors whether it was on our mountain bikes, hiking, cooking meals, rescuing a starving cat, discussing books, and more.  Tristan was one of the few new individuals in my life that I felt instantly comfortable opening up about my love for John, and letting him truly know about our story.

Over the course of time, I've told Tristan how we met, the different adventures we took, what drew me to John, the struggles we had together and separately.  I've even told Tristan what it has been like to be forced to live without him, how desperate it felt to search for him, the experience of seeing John after he was gone.  I always noticed after each conversation that Tristan never seemed uncomfortable with these talks, in fact it was just the opposite.  He was encouraging of my raw honesty, my love for God, and my never ending love for John.  On multiple interactions, Tristan would tell me that John is a part of me, and will always be with me, nothing can take that away.  I always found those words so comforting coming from him.

Tristan is kind, incredibly funny, conscious, authentic, handsome, and full of love.  His heart is huge and I feel that the aroma of God's love is all around him.  I believe this aroma is so strong, my eyes and heart have become more and more drawn to the strong man that he is. 

The first time he kissed me, I wanted to cry and laugh in unison.  To feel drawn to give love to someone alive, in front of you who radiates love, yet also know that you are so deeply in love with someone who is gone is by far the strangest feeling I have ever experienced.   I desperately miss my husband.  I adore Tristan.  I would give the air in my lungs to hear and touch John again, yet I feel curious and excited for the path I am on with Tristan.  I am deeply in love and always will be with John, yet I feel that in many ways, I already love Tristan for the man he is. Letting Tristan in feels sometimes as if my heart is being pulled apart, grasping so tightly to my past.  Yet at the same time, my heart feels as if it is bursting, shocked and overwhelmed with the fact that I am capable of feeling anything again.  

Tristan said something to me after we recognized that this could be more than just a great friendship.  He told me that as we grow together, we won't fall in love, we instead would crawl into love.  As I experience this new relationship, this new chapter, I am realizing how right Tristan is.  Tristan has become my great friend over the last 9 months.  A friendship love developed over that course of time, that very slowly has moved into a companionship that I believe we are both crawling through now.  It is new, exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  

I recognize every morning when I reflect on the day ahead that I may hurt him, not because I want to, but because I don't know if I will ever fully let go.  I am not sure I am capable.  I feel as if John's death hardened my heart in many ways, and allowing myself to feel that incredible joy and excitement the way I used to seems impossible at times.  I recognize that I may project my pain towards him, compare the two, I may push him away.  We may be another written tragedy like so many failed relationships.  I realize that my situation is not for everyone, and I love Tristan for taking both the light and the darkness on that encompasses me.  

Love for my creator did not always come first during my time with John.  I idolized John, and always made him my first priority.  This wasn't John's fault at all, I just loved him so much that his mere existence felt like my life source.  My means for survival in this world.   I was younger and my faith was not as strong.  I absolutely believed God was real during our time, but I didn't recognize his love for me, his magnitude, how incredible his love feels when you look towards him first. 

This was a tough lesson for me to learn after John died and a regret I have to live with.  I wasn't bold in my faith with John and while I tried to be an example to him, I often feel I failed at this because he was always first on my list.  My time with John always came before my time with God.  Always putting him first did not reflect God's love, if anything it sometimes pushed God away and took God out of the relationship which was dangerous.  I don't believe God punished me for this by removing John from my life, but I do believe he has asked me to reflect on this and consider how things could have been better.  I believe John is reflecting with me in his new chapter as well.

I think this kind of recognition is really important regardless of your beliefs.  This recognition saves relationships.  Love for yourself, love for the universe, and recognition that we are all withering away, we are simply human.  Idolizing the flesh is dangerous, for it simply can't be your life source.  The flesh is not sustainable. I learned this through losing John and for me, it was truly recognizing how much more powerful God's love is for me and how that is the greatest love I will ever experience.  My means of survival is now through my creator, which gives me the heart to love again, and love with more gratitude and truth.

 "She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who loves the Lord is to be praised."  Proverbs 31

That is the kind of woman I want to be with Tristan and because of my sweet John, yet more importantly because of my creator, I believe it is possible.  I believe John would have really liked Tristan.  I believe that God's love radiates over Tristan.  So I will keep crawling every morning, every night with hope in my heart that new joy, new love, is indeed possible with eyes on my creator.

  I believe that starts with speaking truth to this new chapter, and being bold and honest to those that chose to read this without fear of judgment, fear of opinion, fear of comparison.  This is my truth.

Tristan, thank you for choosing to crawl with me.  Regardless of our outcome, I'll be a better woman because of this time with you.

Dear Sir

To read this piece, please visit Feminine Collective at

http://femininecollective.com/dear-sir/

Thank you!

Erin Wilburn

No One Told Us

To read this piece, please visit the following website:

http://femininecollective.com/no-one-told-us/

Thank you!

Erin Wilburn