Crawling

"What you seek is seeking you."  Rumi

I am starting to believe that we speak truth to the realities around us.  I believe we can create the realities we feel we deserve.

This truth can have a negative effect as well.  There have been times in my life where I felt I wasn't good enough for a promotion, worthy enough of a relationship, smart enough for a certain school, cool enough for a friend.  Looking back over these different experiences, I have realized that I myself created those realities.  There was no one to blame but me for these moments of self-doubt. 

 We have the ability to speak truth to where we are, what we are doing, who we become.  We also have the ability to speak truth to our realities when the unexpected happens, when a chapter comes to an end, a door closes that we did not foresee.  I have learned over the last 23 months that I can choose how to use my pain, and what the outcome of my loss will be.  Every morning has been a choice since John died.

A few months after losing John, I began to ask myself two questions every morning.  "What kind of woman am I?"  "What kind of life would I like to have?"

I am a woman that is meant to love and be loved.  I have been speaking truth to this every morning since John died.  The greatest gift I believe God has given me in my 32 years here on earth, is the ability to love.  There is nothing greater or more precious than this.  

I met Tristan this past summer during an evening in Fayetteville that included sliders and beers with friends.  Tristan had just moved to the area from California to work at the local bike shop in town and work as a seasonal mountain bike guide in the gorge.  Tristan's love for Fayetteville was so big he decided to stay for the year.  Over the summer, into the fall, into the winter, we became great friends.  We got to know each other through adventuring into the outdoors whether it was on our mountain bikes, hiking, cooking meals, rescuing a starving cat, discussing books, and more.  Tristan was one of the few new individuals in my life that I felt instantly comfortable opening up about my love for John, and letting him truly know about our story.

Over the course of time, I've told Tristan how we met, the different adventures we took, what drew me to John, the struggles we had together and separately.  I've even told Tristan what it has been like to be forced to live without him, how desperate it felt to search for him, the experience of seeing John after he was gone.  I always noticed after each conversation that Tristan never seemed uncomfortable with these talks, in fact it was just the opposite.  He was encouraging of my raw honesty, my love for God, and my never ending love for John.  On multiple interactions, Tristan would tell me that John is a part of me, and will always be with me, nothing can take that away.  I always found those words so comforting coming from him.

Tristan is kind, incredibly funny, conscious, authentic, handsome, and full of love.  His heart is huge and I feel that the aroma of God's love is all around him.  I believe this aroma is so strong, my eyes and heart have become more and more drawn to the strong man that he is. 

The first time he kissed me, I wanted to cry and laugh in unison.  To feel drawn to give love to someone alive, in front of you who radiates love, yet also know that you are so deeply in love with someone who is gone is by far the strangest feeling I have ever experienced.   I desperately miss my husband.  I adore Tristan.  I would give the air in my lungs to hear and touch John again, yet I feel curious and excited for the path I am on with Tristan.  I am deeply in love and always will be with John, yet I feel that in many ways, I already love Tristan for the man he is. Letting Tristan in feels sometimes as if my heart is being pulled apart, grasping so tightly to my past.  Yet at the same time, my heart feels as if it is bursting, shocked and overwhelmed with the fact that I am capable of feeling anything again.  

Tristan said something to me after we recognized that this could be more than just a great friendship.  He told me that as we grow together, we won't fall in love, we instead would crawl into love.  As I experience this new relationship, this new chapter, I am realizing how right Tristan is.  Tristan has become my great friend over the last 9 months.  A friendship love developed over that course of time, that very slowly has moved into a companionship that I believe we are both crawling through now.  It is new, exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  

I recognize every morning when I reflect on the day ahead that I may hurt him, not because I want to, but because I don't know if I will ever fully let go.  I am not sure I am capable.  I feel as if John's death hardened my heart in many ways, and allowing myself to feel that incredible joy and excitement the way I used to seems impossible at times.  I recognize that I may project my pain towards him, compare the two, I may push him away.  We may be another written tragedy like so many failed relationships.  I realize that my situation is not for everyone, and I love Tristan for taking both the light and the darkness on that encompasses me.  

Love for my creator did not always come first during my time with John.  I idolized John, and always made him my first priority.  This wasn't John's fault at all, I just loved him so much that his mere existence felt like my life source.  My means for survival in this world.   I was younger and my faith was not as strong.  I absolutely believed God was real during our time, but I didn't recognize his love for me, his magnitude, how incredible his love feels when you look towards him first. 

This was a tough lesson for me to learn after John died and a regret I have to live with.  I wasn't bold in my faith with John and while I tried to be an example to him, I often feel I failed at this because he was always first on my list.  My time with John always came before my time with God.  Always putting him first did not reflect God's love, if anything it sometimes pushed God away and took God out of the relationship which was dangerous.  I don't believe God punished me for this by removing John from my life, but I do believe he has asked me to reflect on this and consider how things could have been better.  I believe John is reflecting with me in his new chapter as well.

I think this kind of recognition is really important regardless of your beliefs.  This recognition saves relationships.  Love for yourself, love for the universe, and recognition that we are all withering away, we are simply human.  Idolizing the flesh is dangerous, for it simply can't be your life source.  The flesh is not sustainable. I learned this through losing John and for me, it was truly recognizing how much more powerful God's love is for me and how that is the greatest love I will ever experience.  My means of survival is now through my creator, which gives me the heart to love again, and love with more gratitude and truth.

 "She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who loves the Lord is to be praised."  Proverbs 31

That is the kind of woman I want to be with Tristan and because of my sweet John, yet more importantly because of my creator, I believe it is possible.  I believe John would have really liked Tristan.  I believe that God's love radiates over Tristan.  So I will keep crawling every morning, every night with hope in my heart that new joy, new love, is indeed possible with eyes on my creator.

  I believe that starts with speaking truth to this new chapter, and being bold and honest to those that chose to read this without fear of judgment, fear of opinion, fear of comparison.  This is my truth.

Tristan, thank you for choosing to crawl with me.  Regardless of our outcome, I'll be a better woman because of this time with you.