Proverbs 31

“A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.  She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.  She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.  She gets up while it is still dark, she provides food for her family.  She considers a field and buys it, out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.  She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong from her tasks.  She sees that her trading is profitable and her lamp does not go out at night.  In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.  She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.  When it snows, she has no fear for her household, for all of them are clothed in scarlet.  She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.  Her husband is respected at the city gate where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.  She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.  She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.  Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”  Proverbs 31

I took some time off work this past week to adventure in the beautiful fall mountains with my friend Jared Sandeen.  Jared flew in from Oregon just like last year to spend a week with me.  I have to admit I was a bit nervous about seeing him, simply because he reminds me so much of my past.  His presence seems to catapult me into remembering everything about my time in Oregon with John.

Jared and I spent what felt like 24 hours of hell together on March 9^th.  It was scary, exhausting, and felt completely desperate at the time.  When search and rescue gave up we stayed out there for hours in the rain, just the two of us, searching for him.  I can remember being soaking wet and just driving down washed out road after road screaming for him, honking the horn and waiting quietly for anything.  I can remember having Jared walk me through the last thing he remembered on the river probably 100 times, hoping his story would change or there would be some light bulb that gave us hope.  Each time I would ask, he would walk me through it again with complete patience.  Waiting for the inevitable is probably one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.  Looking back I am so grateful that Jared was with me during this wait.  He was so calm and stoic, but I know he felt completely desperate inside as well, yet he remained strong for me. 

 I remember fleeing the gorge the moment John was found and wanting to be no where near the rescue scene.  I could not bear the thought or experience of seeing him like that at the time. So, while another good friend drove me quickly out of there, Jared had to do the unthinkable with some other friends and bring John out of that river.  We spent some time talking about this experience over the last week, reliving it to an extent and remembering how far we’ve come both separately and together as friends over the last year.  Neither one of us can seem to get through remembering those 24 hours without heavy tears.  Jared told me that he remembered a moment where he was literally climbing over bushes and falling through them every few feet  while searching for him.  He said he looked up into the gorge at one point just feeling defeated and exhausted..  He said something happened in that moment where he just knew that John was with him and it felt completely peaceful.  He said he knew right then that John was gone but also felt as if he was telling Jared its OK.  Shortly after this moment, Jared found him. 

For as long as I live, I will always remember what Jared and those other kayakers did for John.  I won’t forget what they had to go through, the risk they had to take and how incredibly respectful each of them were about the situation.  They are my hero's and always will be.

Those 24 hours on March 9^th became the start of what I believe is a deep spiritual connection with my friend Jared that has only grown stronger as time has passed.  Jared shares the same love for God that I do and in many ways has been a spiritual leader for me over the past 19 months.  I think when you go through a deep loss, it’s important to have a partner through that pain that shares your spirituality, regardless of what you believe.  For me, that is Christianity with Jared but, I think this is important regardless of any religion.  Jared is not only someone that inspires me through his love for God, but he challenges me to go deeper into my faith through prayer, daily acknowledgement of his presence all around us and to read his words.  I look back over Jared’s place in my life over the last 19 months and it is no coincidence that he was with John before John left this world.  Jared is exactly who was supposed to be there because of the role he’d play in my life. 

We spent time mountain biking some of John’s favorite trails across Virginia, and kayaking his favorite rivers together.  Jared spent time with John’s grand parents, he visited John’s resting place, he made time for John’s closest friends.  He soaked in the impact John had and the people he surrounded himself with and he adventured and prayed with me every day.  It was a great week.  

Jared told me before he left that I am a Proverbs 31 woman and that he felt grateful to be a witness to my life now and where I’ve gone over the last 19 months.  I spent time reading this scripture this morning  as I fly to the mid west for work this week and reflected on our time together. 

I think about so many people as I read this scripture that have lifted me up over the last 19 months.  Those that have challenged me to stand up; embrace the pain but don’t loathe in self-pity; be a strong woman who can stand on her own feet; make independent decisions and honor John by moving forward.  If I am a woman that will ever reflect this scripture, I can promise you it isn’t happening on my strength alone.  It’s people like Jared and so many others that petition for me, lift me up every day and remind me that they didn’t forget.  People like Jared that put their own pain to the side and took on the weight of mine.  With great loss, I think it is important to remember those that are still here that bear my cross with me and take on that burden with me every day.  If I am a Proverbs 31 woman, it is only because of my creator and those he works through to strengthen me.  God is so good.

So with that I will say thank you Jared for your incredible friendship and faith in me.  I know we will laugh together at the days to come, into old age, into eternity where our good friend John awaits us with another great adventure. 

It's OK.

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart, for I have overcome the world.”  Matthew 16:33

Over the span of the last 19 months, there have been a few people that have come to me with a dream they experienced with John.  As crazy as it may sound, it seems like when I have a tough few days or weeks where my emotions are shot, John pays a visit to a good friend.    

I’ve never been a woman that is comfortable showing tears to others.  I’ve always been pretty private with this kind of thing.  There are quite a few places I travel during the work week for hours with no service, so it becomes my time alone with my thoughts.  I think anyone that has lost someone significant will tell you that a lot of thinking time can lead to a break down.  This is when I find myself letting everything out.  Distraction is everything when it comes to loss, so when all I have are my thoughts, everything surfaces.  

The last two weeks have felt heavier than usual.  Maybe it’s another beautiful fall in the mountains, another Gauley season, a promotion, watching the progress of my house move forward?  Maybe it is simply more change and decision making without him.  Oddly enough, within the last week, I’ve had two friends come to me with a dream experience that left both of them in tears.  

I have been lucky enough to have one truly vivid dream of John since his passing.  I have never experienced anything like it before or since that one dream, but going through this left me wanting so much more, for it seemed so real.  In my dream, John and I were able to speak and touch.  He told me how sorry he was for leaving me too soon, but that he was needed by God and had much to accomplish.  He assured me he could hear my thoughts and would watch over me.  He promised he would come visit every now and then.  He told me to go forward.  I remember he was glowing.  I remember his smile.  It was so obvious to me during this time with him that he was at peace, that he had a purpose.  I will never forget it.

There have been six individuals that I know of that experienced an encounter with John in their own dreams over the last 19 months, all at different times.  All six described their experience to me as the most vivid dream they had ever had.  I thought about each story while driving today and wanted to share their time with him.  

My mom spent time with John by the river.  Throughout her experience she told John what had happened, and the pain I was going through, how she was worried.  I was in this dream with her, about 100 yards behind John walking along the river banks.  She described John as beautiful and full of light, with a huge smile on his face.  She said he looked perfect.  He continued to look at her as she talked and simply said over and over, “it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok." She said while I was down the river, he continued to gaze over at me and just smile, reassuring her that all was ok.  

My sister spent time with John in the sky.  She flew over mountains and rivers with him.  She said she had never seen colors like these before and while she couldn’t see John, she knew in this dream that she was seeing the world from his view point and it felt incredible.  

My friend Harrison ran into John outside of a jazz bar.  Harrison had so many questions for John about what happened to him on the river, asking what caused him to drown.   Harrison said John was glowing with a huge radiant smile on his face.  He said while no words were spoken, John just continued to smile at Harrison and simply faded away.

My friend Paula was on a walk in her dream and saw a rainbow appear in the sky.  In that rainbow she saw John’s smile and heard the sounds of jazz funk music.  

My friend Scott (who has never met John), found himself collecting fire wood with John.   He said it was as if John and I had never been apart, and we both seemed so happy.  He said that during this dream, he realized that he was speaking with John’s spirit for his physical presence was gone.  He said while this made him feel sad, it was so clear that both of us were happy and at peace, as if no time had passed at all. 

My friend Sarah experienced John at her house.  She said he was just the way he had always been; sarcastic, thoughtful and hilarious.  She said her 2 year old Henry got to meet John in this dream.  She said John was helping me get rid of things, explaining what I needed to let go of, what should be given away. She said John and I laughed and laughed until we cried. 

I have to tell you friends, when I have those tougher weeks where I feel weary and burdened, I look back to the experiences these individuals have had with my husband, and things simply feel lighter.  Through these dreams, I feel as if I can see a bigger picture well beyond what is happening right now.  I can tell you that these individuals who have found John in their dreams have been a huge support to me throughout my loss.   I'd like to believe that John checks in from time to time, just as he said he would. 

“Your laugh is what I am holding onto from that dream, and his face.  You were laughing the way that you used to with him.  Belly laughs, holding your stomach, can’t stand up straight.”  Sarah Fought

I am so grateful to the individuals that have had an experience with John and took the time to tell me about it.  I find each experience so incredible and touching.  I believe these experiences through each dream are a reflection of God’s love for these individuals, for John, for me.  A reminder of what is to come, and that it's ok.