Artemis

“Artemis, “Goddess of Light’ had the Devine duty of illuminating the darkness.  She was often depicted carrying a candle or torch, lighting the way for others, leading them through territories uncharted.  Of all the Greek goddesses, she was the most self-sufficient, living life on her own terms, comfortable both in solitude and in holding the reigns of leadership.  She gives us courage.  She illuminates those places that terrify us, and lends us her strength to bring us safely through our fears.” 

I am currently reading a book that my mom gave me a few months back called “Saturday Night Widows.”  Sounds horrible doesn’t it?  I thought the same thing when she handed me the hard covered book with those big words.    I have so many grief books that people have given to me over the last 7 1/2 months, I could seriously have a library of sadness on Amazon.   Someone even gave me a book that looked like Little Red Riding Hood in her 70’s lost in the rain.  There were chapters on how to change light bulbs, pay bills, get gas, how to avoid strangers, and yes, even how to have sex again.  I'm just grateful for the light bulb chapter, phew!

The 5 stages of grief.  I believe our society puts high expectations on these stages.  If we aren’t progressing through the stages in order, something must be wrong.  I can tell you from my experience so far, there is no linear progression.  I can feel everything at once, I can feel nothing, I can feel strong, I can feel shocked, I can feel angry, I can feel despair, I can feel crazy, I can start to feel normal, and then I am not normal, and then I am hollow.  All of this can happen in order, out of order, repeating itself, or in a chaotic roller coaster.  It’s been over 7 months and I can’t tell you where I am because its different every day and its unpredictable.  Some mornings I wake up and feel a small accomplishment because John's death was not the first thing that crossed my mind, I actually thought about something else.  Other days I wake up in a sweat because I've had nightmares and my mind is consumed by John's death.  Both scenarios usually make for a better or worse day.   I believe this must be different for everyone and there is no general formula that fits every person.  It’s impossible.

When John died, I remember a week later  I immediately went into business execution mode.  I had this feeling of complete stress over the impersonal business logistics of dealing with the loss of your spouse.  Cancelling credit cards, putting cars and motorcycles in my name, completing his taxes, changing bills to simply Erin Wilburn, bank accounts, social security, life insurance, looking at my financial situation as now a widow vs a spouse.  I dove right into it with my sisters and took care of everything in a matter of 2 weeks.  Phone call after phone call, email after email until all business ordeals under his name were erased.  It’s not a choice either, everyone is faced with these task when their spouse dies and it sucks. Even now that I am living in a new home, I continue to get new mail for John.  Companies wanting him to sign up for cable, get a security system, report to jury duty.  I make another walk to the file cabinet to pull death certificates and let the world know again that he's gone.  The impersonal.

Apparently the pace at which I got this portion completed was not normal.  Some of this stuff takes a year for others to accomplish, but it’s all I could think of to do at the time.  John would have fully expected it to from me, it’s what I am good at, getting things done quickly, "to do" list.  John was voted “Best Procrastinator” of his senior class in high school and man was he a master at it.  I was amazed at how he could wait until the last minute, yet turn in a beautiful piece of work with forestry consulting, his dissertation in grad school, drive late into the night yet find the perfect camping spot in the middle of no where.  The first time I met John’s parents, we drove together to Toms Brook.  I remember being totally stressed on this drive because John had not mentioned to them when or what time he would be arriving.   Yet, things always worked out and he was never stressed.  I on the other hand am the polar opposite.  I am a planner, and a bit of a worrier.  Our differences made us a perfect balance for each other, with the perfect amount of intensity towards any situation.

   

I can’t tell you why I felt this huge sense of urgency to get this done, but all I know is I did not want the impersonal hanging over my head.  I wanted it behind me so I could put my energy towards what I needed to face more than anything, the absence of him and surrounding myself with comforting things that drew me close to him.  So what stage was that and was it right that it happened when it did?  I don’t care, it doesn’t matter, it’s what worked for me at the time.

"Saturday Night Widows" is about a group of women that come together after going through the abrupt loss of their husbands.  The idea came from one widow who attempted a few support groups and left each time more sad than she was before.  Her goal is to find a group of women who are in her shoes, look towards the positive, and decide to live.  These women push each other, work through their pain together and decide to venture out and seek adventure instead of complete pain.  Seeing how their lives have turned out so far together makes me smile.  It's a true testament of inner strength and beauty.  I have to say, I'm glad my mom gave me that book.

These women go to an art museum in New York city and come across a sculpture of a goddess named "Artemis."  After reading about her in this book, I did my own research on Artemis and I have to say, I find her fascinating.  I started thinking about the women in my life that are their own "Artemis."  Women that I find inspiring, women that carry their own torch, women that have worked through their own trials.  Some of these women have been monumental pillars of strength for me during this pain.  There are others that I've lost touch with, other's that simply can't be with me, yet a moment was shared between us that sparked something real in my heart and saved me.  I think of these moments often. 

My friend, Haven Livingston shared something with me a few weeks ago that I never thought of until she brought it to light.  When someone dies, it's important that we honor those that are gone.  But, even more importantly, we should honor the living.  We should honor those that are still here, those who still have to live, for truly living is not an easy task.  

To the women in my life who I believe carry their own torch;  regardless of how often we see or talk to each other, you have all been monumental pillars of strength for me at some point during this loss, and for that I will always be grateful to you.

My mother

My mother.  She has always been such an inspiration to me with her faith, her unconditional love, and leading by example.  She was on a plane within 2 hours of hearing of John's disappearance.  She stood right behind me with one hand on my shoulder while I said goodbye to John, putting all of her own pain aside.  I am proud to say I am my mother's daughter.  

My sisters

My two sisters, Lizzie and Bird.  There are no words to describe the strength these two women give me on a daily basis.  It's hard to believe I am older at times.  Their wisdom, words of encouragement and selflessness are truly inspiring.  They did everything for me for weeks after John died with no questions and have continued to put me before them since.  Both are incredible young women who inspire me everyday.  I could not get through this without my two sisters.

Meghan Magennis

Meghan is one of the most genuine women I have ever met.  She sends me hand crafted letters, helped me move into my new home in Fayetteville, and paddled right beside me my first time back on the Gauley river.  

Colleen Ciucci

Colleen was one of John's best friends and quickly became one of mine too after John introduced me to her.  John loved Colleen.  Colleen came to stay with me a few days at the beach when I arrived to the east coast from the hard move.  She was 8 months pregnant and already the mother of a 1 year old, yet she came to see me. Colleen is beautiful inside and out.

My mother-in-law, Susie Wilburn

At her own son's funeral, Susie took the time to tell me that I was the strongest person she knew, and that I was the perfect match for her son.  She made sure to tell me this while going through the loss of her own son, putting her own pain to the side to bring me a moment of comfort and strength.  I found that remarkable, and it is something I will never forget.

Paula Ogston-Nobile

Paula sent me one of the most beautiful letters I have ever read about a walk she took the day that John passed away and a feather that she found during this walk.  It was so thoughtful and touched my heart that I go back to read it from time to time.  Paula has always been an incredible friend.

Liz "Buzzy" Stockdale

Buzzy has been one of my best friends since we were 13 years old.  She would walk through fire for me.  Buzzy stayed with me during John's funeral in North Carolina.  Just having her presence and her strength near me was all I needed for those few days.  She has always put me before herself, and has always known just the right moment to make me laugh.  

Lily Christon-Arnold

Lily's kindness is infectious to those around her.  Lily wrote me a beautiful letter at John's funeral and gave me a stone that was given to her by another incredible young woman who suffered a similar loss.  Lily always sends me warm thoughts and continues to remind me that others are honoring John.  She has a heart of gold.

My sister-in-law, Belle Penaranda

Belle is my sister-in-law and my friend.  She is genuine and always makes an effort to put herself in my shoes when helping me through my own pain.  She has helped to ground me in moments of complete stress and always helps me see the big picture.  I am so glad she is married to John's brother.  She will always be my family.

John's grand mother (and mine too), Ellen Woodyard.

Ellen is an amazing woman.  There is not a week that goes by that she does not remind me that I am loved, prayed for and welcome in her home.  Ellen recently gave me a beautiful photo album that she put together of pictures of John from the time he was a baby until our wedding day.  She took the time to do this, putting aside her own pain so that I could have something beautiful.  John adored his grand mother, and so do I.

Brooks Whitten

Brooks gave up an entire week with her baby to help me drive across the country to the east coast and bring John home.  This was not an easy trip to make, yet she was there.  She has also given up multiple weekends and family time with her own husband so he could be a support to me in the loss of mine.  I am so thankful for that.

Antionette "Toni" Nichols

Toni is one of the most independent women I've had the pleasure of meeting.  She was my first friend in Southern Oregon.  She was also a part of John and I's first thanksgivings out of the retail world.  After John died, Toni made it so clear that she was here for me and stayed right by my side whenever I needed her.  She's an awesome friend.  

Jamie Hatcher

Jamie Hatcher may very well be "mom of the year."  She puts every personal need aside for her children, and I have always admired watching her with her girls.  There wasn't a day that passed that Jamie didn't check on me when I was living in Oregon.  She gave me a stone after John died with a beautiful note on how this stone has helped her.  I believe it is helping me too.  

Lisa Byers

Lisa Byers is one of the coolest girls I've ever met.  She is literally the female version of my husband.  It's why John loved hanging out with her.  Lisa was my best friend in Southern Oregon.  She was with me when they told me John was gone, she was with me when I got back into my kayak for the first time, and she's made her presence known in my life ever sense.  

Lori Tubes

Lori is one of the strongest women I know.  She was the only woman in the group of four that found my husband and she stayed completely strong while having to do something that I cannot imagine having to do.  Lori became one of my closest friends in Oregon after John died.  She has an energy about her that makes me smile and encourages me to chin up.  

Haven Livingston

Haven is beautiful.  She stayed with me for a week after I came back from the east coast just to make sure I had someone there, someone present.  She articulated John and I's marriage in a way that no one ever has, yet it was so spot on and she had only spent a short amount of time with us on the river.  She is kind, selfless, and an adventurist.  I admire her for so many reasons and am so grateful to call her my friend.

Mara Petretich

Mara represents the light at the end of a dark tunnel for me.  Mara befriended me when I moved to Fayetteville.  She lost her husband to a tragic kayaking accident as well.  She is a true inspiration to me because she embraced her pain, stayed so strong for her children, and found happiness again while continuing to honor her husband.  I think that is incredible.

Heather Warman

Heather also represents the light at the end of a dark tunnel for me.  Heather lost her husband to kayaking as well.  She has been able to say things to me that bring so much comfort because it is exactly how I feel.  She understands my pain and  has helped reassure me that I am still normal.  She continues to kayak and live life which I think is admirable.

Aunt Kristin

My Aunt Kristin lost her own child when he was 1 years old.  It was abrupt and tragic and horrible.  I did not realize the depth of her pain until going through my own abrupt loss.  It was then that I realized how strong she is and how deep her faith is.  I find Kristin inspiring.

Peyton Wilson

Peyton held my hand while I said goodbye to John.  She walked me into the chapel to see John and stayed strong when I could not.  Peyton continues to remind me that I am loved and prayed for.  She is beautiful and so full of love for others that you can feel it when you are around her.

Rachael Sandeen

Rachael reached out to me right after John died.  I took her up on this kind gesture and met her at a coffee shop in Grants Pass.  Having never met this woman, I immediately felt loved.  She cried with me having never met John or knowing us.  She was so genuine and her love for God was so strong it touched my heart.  Rachael continues to let me know that she is there for me.  She is truly a beautiful person inside and out.

Liz Arnold

I not only love Liz Arnold for her sense of humor and the friendship we've made since losing John.  I love her for the rock she has been for Melissa.   She is so encouraging, she's a leader and so respectful of both men.  

Emily Enochs

Emily has become my closest friend in Fayetteville.  We've hiked together, paddled together and cook many dinners together.  I don't think she realizes how much comfort she's brought me simply by her calm presence.  She is a woman of independence and is completely comfortable with herself.   I truly admire that and am so grateful for her friendship. 

Erin Board

Erin is another woman that befriended me right after I moved to Fayetteville.  She said something to me before taking her own adventure to Oregon that has always stuck with me, having never met John.  She told me that after meeting me, she felt strongly that God gave me to John because he needed me in his life, and I gave him something beautiful before he died.  It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

Katie Key

Katie is one of my child hood friends.  She is now an awesome mother of two beautiful girls.  Katie has not only continued to be a good friend through this loss, but she's also shared her own personal story with me that gives me so much hope.  I know it can't be easy to revisit something so hard, yet she does in order to bring me comfort.  

My buddy, Sarah Fought.

                                   

Sarah is my family. My soul mate.  We've been buddies for over 10 years now and our friendship continues to grow stronger.  I always feel so loved by Sarah.  Her heart breaks for me.  There isn't a day that goes by that Sarah doesn't make her presence known.  She is a woman of so many strengths that people love being around her.  She is an incredible mother, wife, sister, best friend.  Sarah will be with me until I'm not here anymore.  The world needs more women like her.

Melissa Joyce

Melissa is a true example of complete sufficient grace and mercy.  She saved my life.  From the moment her husband died, she made it clear to me that she would put her faith first and set her eyes on what we can't see.  Pretty incredible.  She's my hero.

To all of you "Artemis" women, thank you for carrying the torch for me when I could not carry mine.  Whether it was a moment between us, or you've been here daily, you should know that it saved me.  I can only hope to do the same for you someday.