July 28th

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a ringing brass gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and I know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I parcel out all my possessions, and if I hand over my body in order that I will be burned, but do not have love, it benefits me nothing." 

1 Corinthians 13:1-2

 

 

This may be the hardest blog entry I'll ever have to write.  Today is Sunday, July 27, 2014.  Tomorrow would have been my two year anniversary with John.  I'm sitting in my living room while it thunders and rains outside.  This last week has been strange.  I think my body is physically reacting to what tomorrow brings.  Yesterday I went mountain biking with some friends and had what I think was a panic attack after a long climb.  I got off my bike, stepped off the trail and hugged a tree for about 5 minutes.  Jake just sat there with me while I cried and yes, hugged a tree.  I hung out at our friend Nick's caboose last night.  An incredible place that John and I spent many weekends during Gauley season.  We stood by the fire after dinner with some beers and gazed up at the stars.  I remember looking into this fire and having visions of John's body being cremated.  I could feel my heart rate increasing and my knees go wobbly.  My thoughts are terrible sometimes, especially this past week.   My head hurts, my chest feels tight, I feel anxious, and my pace feels slow. 

 

I feel confident saying that John and I had one of the most fun weddings anyone has been to.  We we're married in my parents front yard and had quite the party in their back yard.  There were maybe 40 people at the ceremony and 60 at the party afterwards.  John took all of his friends and my brothers mountain biking the day of the wedding, illegally I might add.  One of my best friends was visiting this past weekend and told me that when they got to the trail head, John announced, "OK guys, everyone grab their bikes and run to the trail!  We are not supposed to be riding on this at all!"  Shocker that my husband would do this:)  Apparently my brother in-law had the best wreck of the ride.  He came around a turn with both feet off the pedals and launched into a bush.  Still, every guy on that ride remembers that wreck and still laughs about it.  I think Luke laughed about it once the bruises faded.  They all made it back to the house one hour before the wedding ceremony.  What did John do when he got back to the house, oh you know, the normal thing, jump in the pool and crack open a beer!  My mom had to go out there about 30 minutes before the wedding and tell John he may want to go get changed since guest are starting to arrive.  John had the normally even keeled reply:  "OK:)"  No rush at all! 

 

Did I also mention that John and my uncle came over to my parents house around 6am the morning of our wedding and chain sawed a tree down in the back yard?  You know my mom LOVED that.  I remember watching her charge outside in her "cat and the hat" bath robe.  Amazing.  My uncle gave John a chainsaw for a wedding gift.  I think John pretty much attempted to take that chainsaw with him everywhere afterwards. 

 

John and I ended up in the pool about an hour after we were married.  Seriously.  I think I wore my wedding dress for the most 2 1/2 hours?  Before we knew it, everyone ended up in the pool, some with clothes on and some in bathing suits.  My dad even gave the toast from the pool.  John and I laid on pool recliners holding hands and listening to the Jazz Trio from Brevard, NC all night until it was time to go. 

 

We spent the next two weeks camping, mountain biking, kayaking, hiking and exploring British Columbia and Washington State.  I had no idea that a year later we'd be moving out west to pursue our life together full of adventure and unconditional love.

 

I absolutely loved being married.  To me, there is nothing more beautiful.  John became my family on July 28, 2012.  We had been together for 4 1/2 years at that point when we made that commitment to each other in front of our family and closest friends.  We had even been living together for 2 years before getting married.  Something changed after that day though, and I don't know if I can quite explain it.  I really believe that when you make that commitment to each other with God at the center of that connection, something electric happens.  Your souls are intertwined and you become one.  There was no one in this world that knew me better than my husband.  He knew every fear, every dream, every need.  He knew when I was happy, and when I was in pain.  He knew all my curves, birth marks, facial expressions, movements.  He knew me to my core and lived within my soul.

 

We had an incredible marriage.  I can count the number of arguments we had in the 6+ years we were together on one hand.  Most of our time was spent in laughter and adventure.  He was my best friend and I loved spending every minute with him.  I know that I had something rare, and hard to come by.  I found and married my perfect match.  He took my breath away the moment I shook his hand for the first time, and he took my breath away again when I held his hands and gazed at his beautiful face after he was gone. 

 

 A new friend invited me to this get together this past week in Fayetteville called “Poetry, Prose & Plainsong.”  This is a group of locals that get together every other week and read or sing to each other. I hesitated to go as I do with most social events these days, but I thought what the hell and decided to go. Throughout the evening I was truly blown away by the talent in the room and the quality poetry that was shared.   A man that goes by “Doc” shared a poem titled “Rose.”  The poem was about a widow who goes to her husband’s grave to lay some roses.  She weeps at his grave and tells him how deeply she misses him and how she cannot live without him.  As she turns away, her husband appears to her and they embrace one last time.  He begs her not to kill herself, for he is waiting for her and still deeply loves her.  He tells her to hold on to his words for he loves her and will see her again one day. 

 

Tears welled as I listened to his words. I could feel his pain and thought about months back when I wanted nothing more than to die.  Death seemed like a great alternative verses being forced to walk this earth without my love and our marriage.   I took Jake for a hike after work this past week and as I walked in silence in the woods, I thought to myself, “I am hollow all day and all night.”  It’s an odd way to describe it, but I am.   I believe part of me left this world when John left, and now, I do not know my purpose or myself in this world for my family is gone.  I go to work every morning, I meet new people and force myself to smile and converse.  I force myself to get up every morning and walk through another day, yet I am hollow inside and the deep ache I feel in my heart just won’t lighten up.  It is there all day and all night, and rears its ugly head at any moment when I am not prepared causing me to have complete melt downs in the oddest places which scares me at times.  I am unpredictable and a flake these days. 

I wondered about Doc and if he lost his wife.  I pictured myself decades from now.  I pictured myself as an old woman.  Will I be writing poetry about my husband, continuing to long for the day where we will see each other again?  Moving on terrifies me.  Opening my heart again terrifies me.  I don't know how it's even possible that anyone could be more perfect for me than John.   I walk into my empty home every evening and expect to hear his voice yelling “muffin!” as he always did, listen to the sounds of cooking in the kitchen, the guitar playing in the music room, tools clanking in the basement on a bike.  I lie in bed alone every night in the very spot that he used to lay, hoping to still smell him against our sheets.  I wear his wedding band around my neck, with my wedding band inside of his everyday, holding it around my thumb when my grounding feels unstable.  I come home to silence, just me and our animals and things left that were his.  I am a hollow shell, constantly haunted by material memories.  Yet this is comfortable for me right now, it is safe.  I can stay here with him, for now.

Tomorrow is a mile stone.  It's the day that I chose John, it's the day I chose my family, it's the day I began my life, a beautiful life.  If God appeared to me and said, "Erin, I can take all of your pain away, your broken heart, your loneliness, your rage and hurt; yet it would mean that you never met John, that your life turned out different."  My answer to God would simply be, "no".  I am so thankful to God for bringing John into my life and allowing the two of us to experience complete unconditional, beautiful love.  I am a different person, a better person because of it.  Our love rocked my world.  Our love is eternal and will be there deep in my heart until we meet again.  Our souls are intertwined, and part of John lives within me now.  I feel him everyday deep in my heart, guiding me. 

So tomorrow isn't going to be sad.  I won't stay home and cry and scream and ask God why?  Tomorrow is a celebration of our love, and I will honor us by stepping out into the sunlight, hiking the mountains, kayaking the rivers, mountain biking the trails, into old age, with John right beside of me, guiding me every step of the way.

 

 

Happy anniversary muffin.  My beautiful husband, my best friend.  I love you always and forever.

 

Love,

Your Muffin.

 

 

 

A Shift

A Shift

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth; do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”  Isaiah 43:18-19

 

 

 

The last 4 weeks of my life have been pretty busy.  My last day at Harry & David was Friday, June 6^th.  The HR team that I worked with threw me a good bye get together.  No one wanted to call it a celebration which I really appreciated.  I remember talking with my Senior VP who reassured me that I always had a place with the company if I ever chose to come back. Back in August, 2013 when we knew John got the forester position in Grants Pass, I was aggressively applying for jobs in the area.  Target had offered me the store in Medford, OR, but told me I would have to take my current store in Richmond, VA through the 4^th quarter and then could move to Oregon at the end of January, 2014.  This meant being apart from John for 6 months on opposite sides of the country.  We both agreed this was not what we wanted, and this move was meant to be together.  Not only did Harry & David offer me a leadership position with their company, they literally created it for me so I could join the team.  Had it not been for them, I may have only had 30 days with John before he passed away.  Harry & David is a great company.  I thanked my SVP for giving me 6 months with John and making a way for me.  It was a tough decision to leave. 

 

I spent the next week traveling to see some of the close friends I had made while living in Oregon.  I went to Portland for a weekend and got to witness my brave friend Melissa Joyce get back into her kayak for the first time.  We paddled down the Sandy River together.   I remember she pushed out into the current, paddled up to me, and then flipped over and rolled up with a smile on her face.  Flipping over for the first time in your kayak after losing your spouse to the sport is not an easy thing to do.  I had the opportunity to paddle the North Fork of the Smith River one more time before leaving Oregon.  That was the last river John and I did together.  I was flipped in a large hole while paddling with good friends and had what I think was a small panic attack after rolling back up.  My friends were great when it happened and simply sat with me on the river bank allowing me to work through that.   In the past this would not have been a big deal.   In fact, John always told me it was good to get trashed in a hole and work through it, for it makes you a better kayaker and forces you to remain calm and rely on your strength.  You can’t let fear over take you when all you can do is focus on the present moment.  It’s different for Melissa and me now, yet we still continue to roll.  The scenery was absolutely beautiful that day and I felt grateful to be a part of that experience with her. 

 

I traveled to Bend, OR to see my dear friend Lisa who was John and I’s closest mutual friend while living in Grants Pass.  We spent two days hiking together and exploring Bend.  She drove all the way from Idaho to see me which was so nice.  Lisa was the first person I gave some of John’s ashes to.  I will tell you more about who John was given to and why later on in this blog.  I also drove to Salem, OR to see John’s brother, Thomas and my sister-in-law, Belle.  We went to the memorial for John that is at the State Forestry office.  Seeing your husband’s name on a memorial for foresters who have died has quite a sting to it.  I had a hard time looking at his name and death date with my family but at the same time, this is another way of honoring who he was and ensuring his name carries forward.  It truly was beautiful and sat along a place called Mill Creek.  The night before driving to Salem, I put together a box of things for Thomas that I thought John would want him to have.  This included some books, pictures, music, and an old dictionary.  As I went through these items with Thomas, explaining why I chose these things for him, we came to the old Webster’s dictionary.  I told Thomas that John used to read dictionaries at night time, particularly this one.   I remember thinking this was quite a nerdy hobby of John’s, but it was something he was fairly consistent on.  John’s dad even gave him multiple dictionaries for Christmas which John was really excited about.  With the 6 dictionaries John owned, he always kept this old dictionary by his bed side and would flip through a few pages before going to bed.  Thomas took the dictionary from me and opened the first page.  Written in the first page was the name “Thomas Wilburn.”  This had been Thomas’s dictionary that John had been reading throughout the years.  Thomas had a big smile on his face.  I felt this warm feeling wash over me and knew then that John wanted me to give that to Thomas.  John had probably 6 dictionaries, yet I chose this one for Thomas.  While Thomas and John we’re so different, I truly believe that siblings have an unspoken bond and I know that John loved Thomas.  Thomas’s decision to move to the Pacific Northwest motivated John to do the same; he just never told Thomas that.   I was really grateful to have this time with both Thomas and Belle before leaving the west coast.

 

 

 

The next week was terrible; there is no other way for me to put it.  I spent the entire week packing up the life I had with John.  There are two things that I found particularly horrible about this experience.  The first was that when you pack things up, you also discover things.  I found a box that John had put in our attic.  In the box was a bubble wrapped beautiful wooden box.  When I opened this box, there sat John’s old baseball cards, $2 bills and some fishing material.  When you turned the knob on the box, it played music.  I remember lying on the floor of our house grasping this box and just sobbing.  He probably would have given something like this to our son or daughter one day.  I found unknown pictures, notes, music, collectibles, things that we’re important to him I discovered while packing.  It felt like a punch to my gut every time.  The second thing that was awful was that I packed up things that I wasn’t sure I would be unpacking in Fayetteville, WV.  I remember boxing up our large wedding photo while a moving guy took inventory.  He taped the box shut and handed me the magic marker.  I had been marking “unpack” or “store in basement” on many items.  I got to this particular box and just stared at the cardboard.  Do I hang this up in my new home and remind myself every day that I had this beautiful wedding where I got to marry my love or do I keep it in a box where it sits in my basement where I don’t have to face that daily, yet it feels as if I am erasing my past?   I don’t want to put these memories away but it feels like torture to see his beautiful face in pictures knowing he is not here anymore.  These decisions are gut wrenching.  As the moving guy put up the security wall in the 28’ trailer and pulled away from my street I felt empty.  The adorable house we lived in together was now empty, and all of our belongings were now on their way to my new home where I would go without John.

 

I spent the next few days spending time with friends in Grants Pass.  I met a couple, Joanna and Mike the week that I was packing.  Joanna was a forester from Wisconsin and was moving to Grants Pass with her husband Mike to take the position that John had while he was alive.  Crazy story, but Joanna happened to be co-workers with John’s close friend from Virginia Tech, Derek.  Derek gave Joanna my contact information when he realized she was taking John’s position.  I have to admit I had a bad attitude about this at first.  I didn’t want to meet the person that was taking my husband’s job, the job he would still have had he not died.  Something in me though told me to meet her, that push you feel sometimes in your heart.  I invited Mike and Joanna over to my house for a beer after spending a full day of packing.  Within an hour I knew exactly why I needed to meet her.  Her and Mike are simply awesome.  While sitting with them in my kitchen, I almost felt like I was having a conversation with myself and John.  It was odd.  They we’re newlyweds, and had been looking for an opportunity to go out west.   I could tell they were perfect for each other.  Both outdoors people that spent a lot of time together recreating and enjoying nature.  Jared and I took them down to Ashland the next day for an epic mountain biking trip.  They invited us over to their house for dinner where we spent yet another great evening mountain biking together.  I kept thinking how much I wish Joanna and Mike had moved here while John was still alive.  We would have hung out with them all the time.  They were the kind of people that became my instant friends, as if I had known them my whole life.  Joanna and Mike continue to reach out to me now, letting me know I am in their thoughts.  I know now that God wanted me to meet Joanna and Mike.  It felt good to know that a couple very much like John and I would be living in Southern Oregon.

 My sister, Bird, and my friend, Brooks flew into Oregon on Sunday June 22^nd to drive across the country with me.  The friends I had made in Oregon came over to my empty house that night where we all shared beers in the back yard.  I felt so blessed as I looked around the circle of people that had surrounded me in my darkest hours and ensured me I was not alone.  These are friends I will have for the rest of my life. 

 

Bird, Brooks and I spent the next 4 days driving the Subaru and Prius across the country with 2 cats and a dog.  I asked God and John both to help us get the Prius across the country.  John’s Prius had 237,000 miles on it when we left for the east coast.  John did such an awesome job taking care of this car throughout the years.  Other than the broken rear view mirror that looked like a penguin flapping its wings down the highway, the car was amazing on this journey.  I sat John in the Prius in the passenger seat for 4 days.  I would start out every morning with him, and end the day of driving with him as the sun went down.  Jake also stayed in the Prius with John the entire trip.  That time in the car with John was spent laughing, screaming, crying, and asking questions, in silence and in prayer. 9 months ago I drove across the country with my mom to meet my husband in Southern Oregon where we started our life together.  Now I was driving across the country back to the east coast, with John’s ashes sitting beside me.  It almost felt as if our time in Oregon never happened, it was so fast.  How do you wrap your brain around that?  I felt broken. 

 I will admit to you that I felt a since of relief as I saw the signs “Welcome to Nevada,” meaning I was out of Oregon.  I told John’s dad that I wasn’t sure how it was going to feel to leave the beautiful state where John was last. For the longest time, I felt as if I was leaving John behind and I had this huge feeling of guilt that sat heavy on my heart.  John’s sweet grandmother said something to me right before I left that stuck with me throughout my drive; “you are not leaving him Erin, you are taking him with you, he’ll be beside you throughout the journey.”  John’s Dad was so glad to know that I felt relieved.  It felt like a weight had been lifted and breathing became just a little bit easier.  I had been living in the shadows for the last 3+ months in Oregon.  I don’t regret that decision at all, I needed to be there during that dark time, to try and face this and not run from my pain.  Being there without him led me to the decision to head to Fayetteville.

 

We drove the same exact route that John and his parents drove when he came out to Oregon.  Driving that same path was really important to me.  During this trip, I believe that John spoke to me for the first time through the mountains.  We were somewhere in Wyoming at a rest stop.  I knew I wanted to spread some of John’s ashes along this trip when the moment felt right.  My friend Brooks looked out at this mountain and asked if now would be a good time.  My first response was simply, “no.”  Again, having a bad attitude about my reality.   About 3 minutes after I said this, I looked out at the mountains and noticed that the clouds began to part over the tallest mountain and these beautiful rays of sunlight broke through and cast over the  snow caps of the mountain.  It was breath taking.  It was if I could hear John saying, “Why not Muffin? I sure do like it here.”  I knew immediately this was the place and I needed to do it.  Brooks lifted some barbed wire fencing so I could crawl under it and walk out onto this overlook.  I am sure the barbed wire was there for a reason but I didn’t care, I knew where John wanted to go.  I stood on the edge of this overlook and opened my palm while staring at that gorgeous sunlit mountain.  The wind gently took him.  Right after I released him, the part in the clouds closed and a double rainbow cast over the sky.  It was unreal.  I could feel John saying, “I am here muffin.”  I was talking to Melissa about this experience last night.  I believe your heart has to be open to new ways of communication when you lose a loved one.  While I can’t physically hear John talk to me anymore, I know he tries to talk to me through nature every day.  I just need to be open to it and look for him there. 

 

I knew I made the right choice when we entered into the beautiful rolling green mountains of West Virginia.  The word “home” came to my thoughts and warmed my heart.  It is where I am supposed to be.  There is something so peaceful and calming about the Appalachian Mountains.  I am so grateful that God has placed me back here where John and I spent a lot of time together.  We made it to Mount Airy, NC on Thursday June 26^th.  The moment I saw my mom, I felt the tears well for I knew this was a permanent visit.  Yet, I was so glad to be done with that journey and to know I brought John home.

 

This current week, I have been in C0rova Beach, NC with my family and dear friends.  It’s tough.  We had this beach vacation planned back in December.  I was going to have a ladies week at the beach while John and Jake were going to have their bachelor week in Oregon; I remember joking about it with him.  It feels like I should be getting on a plane Sunday and heading back to Oregon, where my life with John should continue.  Instead, I am on the east coast to stay for now, moving to Fayetteville, WV this coming Monday where 4 dear friends (Nick, Michael, Harrison and Meghan) will meet me there to help me unpack the life I once held with John.  Did I mention how blessed I am to have such an incredible group of friends?  Friends that will drive across the country with me, sit with me while I pack up my home, come spend time with me at the beach, set up my new home, spread my husband’s ashes, check on my husband’s parents.  I even have friends in Fayetteville that I haven’t met yet that are already welcoming me into their beautiful community.   There has not been a day since John’s passing that a friend has not checked on me, and let me know that I am not alone.  I have incredible friends. 

 

I will end with a dream that I had 2 nights ago.  I haven’t dreamt about John in months, and it’s been frustrating.  The dreams I had in the beginning were horrible and not worth sharing.  I’ve wanted him to come visit me every night while I sleep, yet this just hasn’t happened.  I’ve had two fears over the last few weeks that I really haven’t shared with a lot of people.  The first is that John doesn’t think of me anymore.  In heaven, he has so much happiness and so much peace that he isn’t thinking of those left behind.  The completely selfless side of me should want that for him, and deep down I do, but as his wife, I constantly wonder, is he thinking of me?  The second fear is that he can’t hear me anymore.  I talk to John every morning while walking Jake.  I realize this may sound crazy to some.  I spent the last 6 ½ years talking to him every day, so now I take the mornings to talk to him.  We talk about everything.  I’ve been worried that he can’t hear me, and in fact I am a babbling crazy woman that has simply lost her mind. 

 

In my dream I was mountain biking in an area that looked like Crater Lake.  It was the most beautiful place I had ever mountain biked.  Big rolling hills, peaks with snow caps that we’re unimaginable, and a crystal blue lake below me.  I was flying on the Pivot Mach 5 that John had given me for Christmas.  As I crest the hill of this long climb, I looked down and saw John standing at the bottom of this downhill.  He was staring up at me and smiling.  Oddly though, he had all of his kayaking gear on, helmet and everything.  I knew immediately it was him, it was the last thing I saw him in before he died.  I flew down this hill and somehow managed to pass him.  I remember tossing my bike to the side, turning around and running up to him.  I tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around, he grinned from ear to ear when he saw me.  We immediately embraced and I gave him the biggest hug.  It was wonderful.  We held hands and went over to a rock and sat down.  John began to cry.  I remember he gently touched my face with his hands and pulled my forehead to his while sobbing he said, “I can’t believe I’ve died, I can’t believe I’ve died.”  I was crying too.  I told him, “I know muffin, I can’t believe you died either, I am so sorry.”  He said he was sorry too and we just sat there holding our faces together crying.  I felt so sad for him in this moment.  I wanted to comfort him and tell him it was ok and not to worry.  We then started to talk.  I asked him, “John, did you die because God has a mission for you to complete?  Is there something you have to do for him?”  John looked at me and said, “Yes.”  I remember nodding and telling him “Ok, I understand.”  I then said, “Can you hear me when I talk to you?  I talk to you every morning, are you able to hear what I am saying?”  John again looked at me and said, “Yes, I can hear everything you say.”  I remember having a big smile on my face at this point, knowing he can hear me.  I then looked at him and said, “Will you come visit me just like this whenever you can?”  John looked at me and said, “I will, I will come see you when I can.”  I remember feeling so happy in this moment, knowing he would come see me when he could.  I also got the sense that John was going to be busy, God had something big for him to do, but he would take the time to come see me when he could.  We then hugged again, and then I woke up.  This dream was so vivid, I cried while telling my mom and best friend Sarah about the dream I had.  I felt like John answered all the questions and concerns I had in this dream where he came to see me.  I felt joy knowing some big questions I had for him, he answered.

 

Is this enough?  Of course not.  I want him here with me so I don’t have to do this.  I want my awesome life back with John where we can continue to kayak, mountain bike, summit 14,000 foot mountains, make dinners, watch movies, ride his motor cycle, jog to the gym, go camping.  I want to wake up in the morning and feel his arms around me, his breath against my neck and his heart beat against my back.  I want to sit in the kitchen with him in the mornings, drinking coffee and reading.  I want our Sunday routines of pancakes, google chats, morning walks with Jake, and venturing out into the outdoor discoveries of Southern Oregon for the day.  I want him to go back to his routine of walking Jake every morning and evening and being Jake’s favorite.  I long for his dirty clothes beside (not in) the laundry hamper and his piles of clothes in our closet (never in the drawers).  I want our messy garage back where John has 3-4 projects going on.  This dream I had 2 nights ago is precious to me, but it will never be enough.  For now though, until I can see John again, it has to be enough.  John answered some big questions I had, and reminded me how much he still and always will love me. 

 

“For no temptation, no matter how it comes or where it leads has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man.  That is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience.  But God is faithful to his word and to his compassionate nature, and he can be trusted not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with temptation he will always also provide the way out.  The means of escape to a landing place, that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.  1 Corinthians 10:13

 

I remember praying on that bridge when John was missing.  I told God that if he took John from me, and if John died, I would die too.  I told him this would end me, I would never be the same and my existence on this earth would be worthless, for without John, I could not go on. 

 Yet, I am here, sitting in a chair with a cup of coffee and sharing my story with you with Jake at my feet.  I am healthy and I still have joy in my heart.   I truly believe that God does not give anyone more than they can handle.  I will live a more purposeful life because of my amazing husband John, but even more importantly, because of God’s grace and mercy on me.  I have experienced what I believe is a shift; a shift in my heart, my mind and my soul.  I promise to share more of that shift with you as I move to West Virginia, start a new job and continue to honor John.