A Safe Place, A Happy Place

“Love has inflicted so many pains on me, but that’s how my life became blessed.”  Rumi

After losing our second baby in November, I felt defeated with my body.  Two emergency surgeries within 4 months due to two ectopic pregnancies now in two different tubes.  These facts were pretty much unheard of according to case studies, my doctor, the hospital.  Yet they were my facts that encompassed me and my experience with pregnancy.  The day of Thanksgiving I sat on our couch reading a story that a good friend had sent me about a woman that had a near death experience and saw the image of a little girl twirling on her feet while holding her hands.  Years later she adopted a little girl who later twirled on her feet while holding her mother’s hands.  The little girl told her mother that she was always hers, she just couldn’t get to her through her belly, as her body could not do it.

I read this story to Tristan and sobbed.  Well, truthfully I ugly cried hard into his beard while he wrapped his arms around me and let me use his face as my new handkerchief.  We talked about the facts and what this meant for our future.  Pregnancy had transitioned from what was supposed to be a beautiful experience to something that was now potentially life threatening to me.  We had no answers as to why this was happening, no one did.  We talked about the options of IVF, IUI, genetic testing, etc.  None of it felt right to us.  I personally did not feel pulled to even consider it.  We both felt strongly that God was asking us to go a different way, take a new path.

I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know a few women over the last year who have had their own pregnancy struggles.  These women took a different path and still found their children.  I find strength in their stories, and many of these women have become such a wonderful support to me in my own journey.  They are strong women, and incredible mothers.

Tristan and I are going to be foster parents.  It feels good to say that.  We’ve been in the process for about a month now and over the next few months, we’ll complete a series of classes, certifications, and home studies so that we’re available to help when the time comes.  What we have discovered so far about foster children in West Virginia is heart breaking.  We feel these children will imprint on us just as much as we hope to make a positive imprint on them.  I believe we may save each other.

I think about the two souls I lost within me every day.  I think about John every day.  As we’ve slowly started to tell people about this new journey, some often say “I could never do that, losing those children back to their parents would be just too hard after getting attached.”  I’m starting to feel that my experiences with loss may actually make me perfect for this role, a role I was probably always meant to take on.  I believe it is a role meant for Tristan and his huge heart too.  I think we both know how to love without fear, for we're all withering, we're all temporary, so why hold back.

I plan to share our story with others as we move through it.  I plan to be as honest as I can be in hopes that others may feel called to do this as well one day.  There is a huge need.  There are many children.  There are many misconceptions with these children.  They are, just children, some way beyond their years for the experiences they've endured.  Knowing some of their stories already, I feel blessed in my own pain experiences, for it is nothing compared to them.

For now, I've enjoyed sitting in this room in our house quietly while the rain comes down, praying over the child that I believe is coming to us in God's perfect timing.  This is a safe place, a happy place, where a child can find joy, laughter, and peace with the mountains right outside their door, even in the midst of pain.  I know Tristan and I will give everything we have to lead them to that experience.

Thank you to my mom and sisters for helping me create such a fun and peaceful room.  Warrior women, I love you.