We Love You

A few years ago I was having dinner with one of my closest friends and her 3-year old at the time, Henry.  In the middle of dinner Henry looked up at me and said, “Erin, John is gone.  He went away didn’t he?”  I looked down at this little boy and said, “Well, yes he did, I suppose he did go away.”  He then said, “He’s just somewhere else.  You’re here, and John’s there.”  As the lump in my throat grew bigger during this conversation with a toddler, Henry then said, “One day you will write a book.”  I looked at him somewhat stunned.  His mom chimed in and said, “Well what will the book be about Henry?”  He said, “It will be a book about Erin.”  He then went right back to telling me how the noodles he was eating looked a lot like snakes, and the conversation of John and my future was over.

Every now and then I think back to that conversation with Henry.  He was only 3 years old at the time.  Whenever an adult comes up to me and tells me I should write a book, I always go back to Henry, the first person that ever told me that.  If I ever do, I’ll be sure to thank Henry first.

I believe that children have more wisdom and intuition than we give them credit for.  When my sister was barely 2 years old, she was playing on her toy telephone.  She looked up at my mom and said, “I’m talking to your dad.”  My mom said, “Oh Pop Pop?”  (My mom’s step dad).  My sister said, “No, your real dad.  He told me to tell you that he loves you.”  My mom’s real dad had died years ago, and my sister wasn’t even born when that happened. 

I believe that children (especially very young children) were just recently where we adults all came from.  I think they have a connection back to our creator that is real, it’s a connection that so many of us lose over time as we grow older and become more exposed to our chaotic world.  I think we tend to forget where we came from, and with time we lose the knowledge we were born with.  When I see someone that is so broken and hurting and lost, I always say to myself, “let them remember where they came from.”  When we can remember, love enters.

I found out I was pregnant Monday night, June 18^th.  I had been feeling strange all day at work.  Bloated, exhausted, constipated, my boobs were sore, and that lovely time of the month had not arrived.  I had a meeting that went late so was staying in Charleston that evening.  We wrapped up around  9:30pm and I decided to drive to Target and buy a pregnancy test.  I was staying with a family friend that evening, and in their basement bathroom I sat there impatiently waiting as the test worked it’s magic.  About 3 minutes later, I saw those 2 lines appear and just like that, life simply felt different.   Around 11pm I called my husband and said, “I knew it!”  Tristan in his more grounded wisdom kept encouraging me to not get too excited yet, wait and take another test and let’s go see a doctor.   Well, of course I couldn’t contain it and I just sat up until about 1am laughing, crying, and of course starting to plan because that’s what I do. 

I found out Monday June 18^th I was going to be a mom.  Only 10 days later, I found out Wednesday June 27^th that I was absolutely heading towards a miscarriage.  I’ll spare you all the gruesome details, but I started having complications only a few days after getting that positive result that pretty much kept me on my back with the exception of attending  my nieces baptism for over a week.  I couldn’t go to work, I could do very little activity, and all we could do was wait and hope for the best.  We were in and out of doctor offices doing blood work for over a week.  We even switched doctors through the process because we felt like we were too much in the dark with what was actually happening.  Tristan and I even turned to Dr. Google (not a good decision) through this process just trying to understand if this may turn out OK.

 I've learned through this process that when you do miscarry, it can take weeks for the pregnancy hormones to leave your body so essentially your body thinks you are still pregnant and you get all those lovely first trimester symptoms, but with no baby on the way.  I am still going through this now and probably will be for the next week. Women go to work while this is happening, they take care of other kids, they continue on with daily life. 

I hesitated to share my story, as many times this is such a private thing.  On the other hand, I have some things to say about this journey, and decided to write about this as it’s happening now, and share my experience so far because I think it’s important for people, especially other women to hear the stories that don’t always end in a fairy tale and know that it happens to a lot of women, and it doesn’t mean you won’t have a healthy pregnancy in your future. I've discovered through my own miscarriage that this happens to so many women, sometimes more than once.  I talked with some brave, amazing girlfriends that shared their stories with me, putting me at ease with what was going on with my body and what to expect.  I also learned that it doesn’t matter if it’s 5 weeks, 2 weeks, 12 weeks, or worse, you feel connected to that soul before you even see the positive line and when you lose them it hurts like hell.  I knew women that had miscarried and I always thought to myself.  “That’s so sad, but it happens, they didn’t know that baby yet, and they’ll get pregnant again, they’ll be OK.”  I was so wrong about that.

 Tristan and I shared what was happening with us with some of our closest people because we believe in the power of putting intention towards something that needs a divine shift.  I begged and pleaded with God over the last week, but I also knew that the place I came from and the place my son or daughter came from see’s the future that I simply cannot.  I continued to talk to my kid through this entire process.  Tristan and I both placed our hands on my belly, we played binaural beats on my belly, hell I even let him put a purple crystal on my forehead.  I would have done anything.  I told them that if they needed to go I understand, but selfishly I want them to stay.  I told them about myself, their dad, their grandparents, aunts and uncles and the incredible people they’d be surrounded with throughout their life.  I told them they would always be loved, and Tristan and I would do everything we could to support them through their purpose while they’re here. 

I have to admit I felt defeated this week.  I felt like my body had failed me, and I had failed my kid.  My hats off to you parents out there.  The feeling of failing a child that was probably the size of a rice grain left me in tears.  I can't imagine what it actually feels like when they are standing right in front of you.  On the other hand, I am grateful for the experience.  I felt what it was like to be pregnant only for a short time, and even through all the not so fun symptoms, I felt connected to something in a way that I never have, and for that experience alone I feel ecstatic about. 

I recently heard someone say that “The foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom and the weakness of God is greater than human strength.” 

I believe it.  I have to remember where I came from during this shift, for it is so much wiser and stronger than I could ever be, and it’s love is beyond anything I am capable of.  My child was never really mine, it belongs to the light that I believe loves me more than I’ll ever be able to love anyone.  I rest easy feeling confident that's where they are now.  

Thank you for your encouraging thoughts and prayers this week.  To the women that bravely shared their stories, thank you.  To my husband who is the most positive person I know, I adore you.  Finally, to my child, thank you for choosing us even if it was for such a short time, I so hope we can meet you one day, we love you.