The Best Marriage

I became ordained to marry people in 2016 after being asked by two very close friends to officiate their wedding.  This involved clicking a few buttons on the internet to my surprise.  No test had to be passed, no blood samples, no religious interview, just a click and done.  I filed my "license" with the Secretary of State in West Virginia and suddenly I now had the responsibility of marrying people.

The first wedding I did was for two dear friends that John and I had introduced back in 2012 during the crazy derecho in Fayetteville.  We spent the weekend rafting the New, drinking very warm PBR and eating brats over a charcoal grill.  It was a natural disaster that somehow brought these two wonderful individuals together, and years later here I was standing with them overlooking the beautiful West Virginia mountains talking to them about how I feel about marriage among their family and friends.  I wore John's wedding ring around my neck that day as a reminder to myself and my dear friends that he was there.

After losing my first husband, I remember feeling that I never wanted to attend another wedding again.  The thought of sitting through the joy of two individuals alive, breathing and well, getting to come together in marriage simply pained me.  I had become morbid and doubtful over the thought of a "long life" together because I felt stripped of this experience.  Why should others get this opportunity when mine was gone.  My ego at the time was in the driver seat and I wanted the world there with me.  These feelings controlled me for a while. 

When Nick and Meghan asked me to marry them, I spent a quiet evening alone on my front porch thinking for hours about what I would say to two individuals that are making this decision to come together.  It had been over a year since losing John.  I thought a lot about how I felt when I married him, the things that never crossed my mind on my wedding day.  We went through the generic vows, never really put any thought into what they meant, and it was over in a matter of minutes, and the party began.  As I found myself now responsible for the ceremony of two people that John and I had both adored,  I went back in time.  I went back to his death.  I remembered the pure explosion I felt on March 9th, the outer body experience that seemed to follow within moments and the panic I had over the conversations, the laughter, even the generic vows I would never get to say to him again.

I don't think I truly understood what marriage meant to me until I lost my marriage.  It took a few years of solitude, of sitting with myself,  to come to grips with what it really meant when I married John.  My biggest regret is knowing that I never got to share this new understanding and appreciation for this union with him.  Yet, through this awakening; through the days, months, and years of silence; through facing that regret and anger and reflection, I met a man that would become my second husband, and my heart grew and grew and exploded with a joy that I thought was dead.

 I recently completed my second wedding for two of my best friends here in Fayetteville, Scott and Sherry. I had the privilege of knowing both of them as individuals and as a couple for the last three years, and it truly brought me joy to write a ceremony for them.  I took many of the things I had said to Nick and Meghan in 2016, along with the continued experience of loss and new love to write something that I felt would impact them in a way where they would not forget.  I wanted them to feel that they could always go back in time, and revisit this moment between the two of them throughout life together.

So, after the experience of two great loves, two incredible joys, and a heart that learned to grow and expand and accept the pain as a part of my individual self,  here is what I had to say to my dear friends about their decision to come together on their wedding day: 

" I believe that the best marriages occur when two people recognize that love for one’s self, and love for our individual purpose in this world, is what leads to deep incredible love for our partner.  Our time here is temporary, so the choice to stay present with one another, and respecting each other’s individual purpose in this world brings out the kind of partnership that stands strong forever.  You both are going to change as the years go by, in fact you can plan on it, so choose to change together.  As you make this commitment to each other today, choose each other not only because of who you currently are, but also because of who you are both determined to become, and spend a life time joining each other in your becoming. By doing this, you will bring out the best version of yourselves for one another,  and therefore your purpose in this world is served.

I want you both to know that choosing self-love first is not selfish or unkind.  Love for who you are as individuals in this marriage will allow you to give endless love to each other.  The strength in one’s self brings out a true partnership, not co-dependence. Self-love is knowing that you can stand on your own feet no matter what life brings you.  As you choose each other today, be confident and stand strong in the belief that your love for each other goes well beyond your flesh, it outweighs our physical presence in this world.   Mother Theresa once said, 'Death is nothing else but going home to God, the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity.'  This love is eternal and will be with you always.  This love becomes a part of your individual self today, it is now infused into your soul.  So love yourself always, so you can give the greatest love to each other.

Not only is marriage about knowing yourself, and loving yourself.  It is also an act of working together to keep your flame alive and burning in the many years to come.  There are three flames I want you both to reflect on every day as individuals and as partners in your marriage.  These three flames form the trinity of love and create a balanced life together.

The first flame is called 'Raya.'  Raya represents the incredible friendship you two have with one another.   C.S. Lewis once said, 'It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision - it is then that Friendship is born.  And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.'   The base of a marriage starts with a deep friendship that only grows over time.  Always remember the friendship that brought you two together.  Have a great time together, belly laugh until you ache.  We all hope you two spend a life time of laughter together.

The second flame is called 'Ahava.'  Ahava  represents deep affection and commitment.  This is a desire for one another that feels like a deep explosion in your chest.  It feels like a magnetic pull within your heart,  you simply can’t resist it.  It is a love that is much more profound than fleeting romantic feelings.  Ahava gives you the ability to really see each other’s hearts, to connect to one another without words or gestures, the ability to feel both joy and pain within each other and to respond to that.   It is a desire that is so strong that it leads people to join their lives together.  You both are here in this moment right now because of Ahava.  Ahava is what makes love last through the toughest times.  Marriage will not take away your loneliness.  To be a human being in this world is to be lonely.  So share your humanity together, and lean hard into the flame of Ahava,  and create moments throughout your life together where that loneliness dissipates.   Ahava represents love as a choice.  Every day, your marriage is a choice.

The third flame is called 'Dod.'  Dod represents the passion between you two.  Complete intimacy and magnetic attraction between two people.  This attraction can almost feel electric, as if you are functioning at a higher vibration, it is spiritual.  You fit perfectly with this person.  It is so hard in today's world to maintain interest in one thing, or one person anymore.  We live in a world of instant gratification.  Focusing on something, and returning our attention to it over and over when we become distracted is truly an art.  My hope for you both is that you will make your life a meditation upon each other, for that is a profound act, and absolutely essential in keeping the Dod flame alive.

I want to encourage both of you to always review these three flames, check-in with each other every day to see if these flames are balanced, work together to keep them burning throughout your shared life.  Always remember, if one flame burns out, you can always relight it."

I am so happy for my friends that have found each other in this crazy world.  It is fun to watch both couples spend life together and see them bring out the best version of themselves for each other.

I am so incredibly overwhelmed and grateful to God to experience marriage again with Tristan.  It is going to be an honor and a privilege to stand among our family and friends this weekend and give this promise to each other, to God, to ourselves.  I will forever be so thankful and go back in time to the joy I experienced in my marriage to John.  It feels as real today as it did years ago and I will lean into those memories for the rest of my life. 

Double restoration.  Expanded joy.  Pain that is a guiding torch for life.  Love that does not hold back, instead it explodes.  This is what it means to be human.  This is the best marriage.