Love, Exist, Be.

My husband came to see me in my dreams last night.  It has been over a year since his last visit, and I must say, our encounter was lovely.

I was at what felt like a party at the time.  Maybe a pot luck, people were laughing and catching up.  As I skimmed the room, I suddenly saw John standing in the corner staring at me with a huge smile across his face.  My heart felt like it may explode, I knew it was him so I ran over to him.  He gave me the biggest hug.  I felt his arms around me and the smell of burning wood and sweat.  He looked and felt just as I remembered him, but better.  It was like looking at someone with no flaws, no weight, no pain.  He looked at peace and happy.  I kept saying, "where have you been, I've missed you so much."  He just smiled and took my hands and led me to this bench.  As we sat down, I noticed that he continued to hold both of my hands and continued to just smile at me. I was shocked that no one else seemed to notice that John was back.  It was as if they could not see him.  I kept saying, "everyone, John is back!"  No one even looked at me.  I realized then that only I could see him.

I remember firing off question after question.  “Where have you been this entire time?”  “What is it like where you are now?”  “Are the colors just beautiful like they say?”  “Do you still have your body when you’re not here?”  “Can you become one with things, like flowers, mountains, trees?”  “What purpose do you have now?  What is your job”. What do you do every day?”

John just laughed and laughed at me while shaking his head.  He said to me, “Erin, these things are not for you to understand right now, or contemplate or predict.  They are not for you right now.  You shouldn’t worry, or try to find the answers to things you simply can’t understand or contemplate.  Why must everything have a purpose?  Why must I now have a purpose?  What if the purpose is simply to be, to love, to exist.  You are not here to seek answers to questions you cannot comprehend. You are here to love, to exist, to just be.”

As he said these things to me, he continued to smile and glow.  He looked so good, just at complete peace.  He laughed at my constant questions and shook his head with a big smile and once again said, “Don’t you worry about these things Erin, you’ll understand one day, and it will be ok.”

He told me that he had to go.  I said, “I have one more question for you.  Will you please come and see me from time to time, even into old age?  Will you see those that need you the most?”  John looked at me and said, “I am much closer than it may be seem, and I will always come and see you.  Now go, love, and just be.”

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him.  He was warm against my chest.  I looked up again and he began to fade away.  The last thing I remember was his smile that seemed to turn into a warm mist. 

The moment I woke up I knew we had spoken.  It was the same feeling I had the first time John came to see me after his death.  When you know you’ve had more than just a blurry dream.  This felt like a message for those of us that are still here.  I woke Tristan up immediately to tell him what had happened.  He encouraged me to write about it so it remains clear to me, so I did.

I’ve only seen John three times since his death in my dreams.  I cherish those encounters like fine gold.  It is all that is left.  I think we as humans tend to over complicate things.  We need an answer, a purpose for everything.  As life moves forward and I continue to wake up every morning to another day, I am realizing more and more that God is so big and he wants to take care of us every day, bless us beyond anything we can imagine.

I thought about what John said to me, “You are here to love, to exist, to just be.”  Maybe it really is that simple.

I miss my husband every day. But, these precious encounters are a wonderful reminder that he truly is OK, that we really all are OK.  Life continues after life, and while many of us have found ourselves separated too soon from those that go before us, we’re not really all that far away.  So for now, simply love, simply exist, and simply be.  The rest isn't for us right now, but we'll get it one day.