The Space Between

"Always remember, there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name."  

The Avett Brothers

This past weekend I traveled to Narrows, VA where John's grandparents live.  Giles County Virginia is one of the most beautiful spots in the Appalachian mountains.  The New River runs through the center of many quaint little towns where big rolling mountains border both sides of the river banks.  My father-in-law grew up in this area and my husband spent a lot of time exploring the many hikes and fishing spots throughout child hood.  Life feels simple here.  I came this past weekend to do something that I've been preparing myself to do over the last few months.  

Last fall I went with John's grand mother to the Day Cemetery which is a family cemetery that is nestled in the woods of Narrows, VA.  The first time I walked up the steep hill to this place, I knew this would be where John's final remains would rest.  It is a beautiful spot, not like your typical industrial cemetery.  It is rugged, harder to get to, with a panoramic view of mountains and woods.  You can also hear Wolf Creek just below the hill where John spent many summers fishing.  You can stand in the cemetery, close your eyes and hear nothing but water, birds and the movement of the trees.  It is peaceful.  I knew immediately that this was the place I wanted to visit into old age to spend time with John as life continues onward.  It would be my quiet place from now on, where I could sit with him and think of all the beautiful memories we had.

John's grandmother and I went to a head stone place last December where I would be given the task to pick out a stone for John.  John's grandmother decided that she didn't want me to do this alone so she also picked out a bench for her and Jack.  She's a wonderful woman.  There are times you just have to make yourself laugh when faced with tough decisions.  Ellen and I laughed at the thought that we would both get to sit on her grave together while she is still alive.  I picked out a simple stone for him that would display his full name, and a quote from a song called "Fair Thee Well," by Marcus Mumford and Oscar Isaac. 

"If I had wings like Noah's dove, I'd fly up the river to the one I love."  I felt this quote truly expressed the endless love I have for John and how I would be with him if I could.

Saturday morning my mom and sister drove up from North Carolina, and the three of us made our way to the Day Cemetery.  My mom brought a few flowers, some that I had requested and others she simply knew I would like.  The three of us took some time to look at John's resting place quietly, letting our emotions do what they needed to do.  I've said this before, but seeing your husbands name and death date has a sting to it for it's a reality check that I tend to avoid.  We finally wiped our tears and got to work.  I asked my sister to photograph this process.  I wanted to be able to look back and remember.

 My mom placed the flowers all around him, even leading to the woods.  She is an incredible gardener and I immediately approved of how they would be planted.  We then both took shovels and began to dig.  We first dug a large hole where I would place the remainder of my husband.  John's grandmother gave me a beautiful white box where I poured his ashes into.  I placed the box in the center of the hole and then spread what I had left all around it.  We covered that up and then started to plant each flower.  

Daffodils are one of my favorite flowers.  John knew this about me and when we lived in Richmond he took an afternoon to plant about 50 daffodils that bordered the large oak tree in our front yard.  I would imagine they are getting ready to bloom now.  We placed daffodils in the center above his ashes.  We bordered those daffodils with red roses.  On both sides of his grave we planted bulbs that will one day produce lilies.  We then placed lavender flowers in between the lilies, daffodils and roses. 

Once the flowers were placed we took some mulch and spread it throughout each flower.  My mom took the ashes I had given her last year and released them at the base of the woods, letting the wind carry them to each flower.  Her and John had spent some time in her yard together planting trees, so she felt it was only appropriate to landscape with his ashes.  The end result was incredible.  I felt so grateful to have my family there with me to help.  I could not have completed such a task without them.

I went back to the cemetery alone and sat on Ellen and Jack's bench facing my husbands stone.  John lies directly beside his great grand mother and great grand father.  John's great grand mother's name was Drucie Smith.  John and I had decided that if we ever had a little girl one day, she would be named Wyndolyn Drucie Wilburn, after my grand mother and his great grand mother.   She would be called Winnie.  That's right, Winnie Wilburn.  Laugh all you want, we thought it was awesome:)  

I sat there quietly with our dog staring at his stone thinking, "how did we get here muffin?"  How in the world did we get here?  I thought about that little girl that I would never know.  What would her life of been like?  Would she had been as fearless as him?  I suppose at this point, it simply doesn't matter.  Why ponder things that are impossible to know?  Regardless of how I found myself sitting at John's head stone among the woods at the age of 31, it is where I currently am.  That is my reality, and what choice do I have but to embrace it?

Easter is next weekend and I believe it means more to me now than it ever has.  It's a time to remember what my father did for me.  The blood he shed for me.  It's a reminder that because of that selfless sacrifice, my husband continues on his adventure.  He is well beyond his grave.  My husband is radiating with love and light.  He is free.   Because of that sacrifice, I can suffer for a while yet still feel the sun upon my face.

I am so grateful for the Day Cemetery and more importantly, for John's family, my family.  I am a Wilburn and always will be.  I felt honored to be able to place him among his family, among my family, this weekend.

"By his wounds, you have been healed."  1 Peter 2:24 

 I sat on that bench in silence and recognized that the space between us really isn't that big.  Even if I am an old lady one day, sitting at the foot of his grave, the years that pass and the space between us won't compare to the reunion I know that is coming because of the sacrifice my father gave for me.  For that alone, I will sit there and smile.