Think Of These Things

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  Philippians 4:8

In a few hours, it will be January 17th.  My husband would have been 31 years old.  Only 31 years old.  I am not sure I will ever get used to saying that, to know he only had 30 years here on earth.  The thought still baffles me.  I woke up this morning from a reoccurring nightmare that I have had ever since he died.  It's actually quite silly that I have dreams like this, considering how happy we were but regardless, this scenario seems to haunt me now.  In my dream, John and I are the normal couple that we were when he was alive, we are happy.  Yet for some reason in this dream, John leaves me.  The entire dream is spent chasing him and trying to find him so I can tell him he made a mistake.  In each dream I always get so close to him, almost within reach, and then I wake up.  I shake my head at how silly it is, yet I always feel frustrated afterwards.  John would have never left me, he thought I hung the moon.  I look forward to the day that these dreams stop, and the only dreams I have are visits from him that leave me with a smile and better understanding.  

John and I started something years ago for each other's birthdays.  We decided to stop giving each other gifts and simply devote the day to each other, doing something that we both enjoyed.  Last year on John's 30th birthday, we ventured down to California with our good friend, Lisa Byers to kayak the North Fork of the Feather River.  We spent two days paddling different sections of this incredible gorge and camped out with our friend Lisa that night.  It was that same weekend we met Haven who greeted us with handfuls of avocados.  You can see some of the footage from this birthday weekend on the video we made of John a few months ago.  He was so happy to be on the river that weekend, the perfect way to move into his 30's.

On my 30th birthday with John, he got up that morning and made me pancakes.  We then ventured into the Applegate Valley where we mountain biked all day together, exploring new trails in Southern Oregon.  I actually played a little joke on him that morning.  He was convinced that when I turned 30 years old, I would get what he called, "Baby Fever," and slowly start pushing him for babies.  While he was still asleep that morning, I acted like I was asleep and started "sleep talking" and saying, "babies, babies, I want babies!" over and over again.  When I opened my eyes, he was sitting up, staring at me with golf ball eyes:)  It was so worth it.  He stayed with me that day from the morning we woke up until late that night.  My birthdays were always a reminder to me of how much I was loved by John and how he also celebrated my life by devoting the day to me.

When we lived on the east coast, John and I always spent his birthday with our incredible friends, Colleen and Joey Ciucci.  These were the first friends John introduced me to when we started dating.  Colleen and John's birthday's were only 4 days apart.  Every January, the four of us picked a weekend to go mountain biking together to celebrate John and Colleen.  This was so much better than presents.  Simply devoting the day or weekend to each other and doing something beautiful.  Our last birthday weekend with the Ciucci's was actually spent at John's parents house in Toms Brook, VA because Colleen and Joey had a new baby.  The Wilburn's actually helped watch her while we went mountain biking.  If you look in the picture above, you may see that Joey has a baby bump, that would be Cassidy hiding in there:)  

Colleen, Joey and I decided to continue this tradition as life moves forward without our best friend John.  We are heading to Douthat State Park in Virginia tomorrow to go mountain biking, and devote the weekend to each other doing something beautiful. I am bringing a part of John with me on this trip and plan to release him on one of his favorite trails.  Our other great friends, Nick and Meghan will be joining us.  It breaks my heart that I don't get to continue this tradition with my husband.  He is the one that started this beautiful tradition on my birthday and I can honestly say that it meant so much more to me than any present anyone could have given me.  I hope I can do the same for others one day.

Everyone tells me how milestones are so hard.  Some tell me I'll barely be able to get through the day.  I have to tell you, I disagree.  Everyday is hard, because John isn't in it.  There is no one day that is harder than another.  January 17th will be hard, so was January 15th, and 16th, so was June, September, November, the list goes on.  January 17th marks a day of many beautiful memories and time spent with John that I will cherish forever.  It marks a day of devotion to each other, getting outside and having an adventure together.  It marks a day of unconditional love.  I am so grateful for the birthday's I got with John and for the adventures we had together on his day.  So tomorrow, we're going to continue to honor him by getting outside, devoting the day to each other, and having an adventure.  I have a feeling we'll find him there with us.  I think it is important to honor those that have gone before us on these mile stones, honor who they were and what they stood for.  John stood for adventure, so that is what I am going to do.  Those memories are true, they are lovely, they are worthy of praise.  January 17th, I chose to think about those things and remember him.  

John surprised me with a duck pin bowling birthday party, Richmond, VA

Mountain Biking, Douthat State Park

Mountain Biking, Douthat State Park

Mountain Biking, Douthat State Park

  Birthday football tackle, Douthat State Park:)

Happy Birthday muffin, I pray you are enjoying new adventures today that are far beyond anything I could imagine here.  I love you always and forever.