Think Of These Things

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  Philippians 4:8

In a few hours, it will be January 17th.  My husband would have been 31 years old.  Only 31 years old.  I am not sure I will ever get used to saying that, to know he only had 30 years here on earth.  The thought still baffles me.  I woke up this morning from a reoccurring nightmare that I have had ever since he died.  It's actually quite silly that I have dreams like this, considering how happy we were but regardless, this scenario seems to haunt me now.  In my dream, John and I are the normal couple that we were when he was alive, we are happy.  Yet for some reason in this dream, John leaves me.  The entire dream is spent chasing him and trying to find him so I can tell him he made a mistake.  In each dream I always get so close to him, almost within reach, and then I wake up.  I shake my head at how silly it is, yet I always feel frustrated afterwards.  John would have never left me, he thought I hung the moon.  I look forward to the day that these dreams stop, and the only dreams I have are visits from him that leave me with a smile and better understanding.  

John and I started something years ago for each other's birthdays.  We decided to stop giving each other gifts and simply devote the day to each other, doing something that we both enjoyed.  Last year on John's 30th birthday, we ventured down to California with our good friend, Lisa Byers to kayak the North Fork of the Feather River.  We spent two days paddling different sections of this incredible gorge and camped out with our friend Lisa that night.  It was that same weekend we met Haven who greeted us with handfuls of avocados.  You can see some of the footage from this birthday weekend on the video we made of John a few months ago.  He was so happy to be on the river that weekend, the perfect way to move into his 30's.

On my 30th birthday with John, he got up that morning and made me pancakes.  We then ventured into the Applegate Valley where we mountain biked all day together, exploring new trails in Southern Oregon.  I actually played a little joke on him that morning.  He was convinced that when I turned 30 years old, I would get what he called, "Baby Fever," and slowly start pushing him for babies.  While he was still asleep that morning, I acted like I was asleep and started "sleep talking" and saying, "babies, babies, I want babies!" over and over again.  When I opened my eyes, he was sitting up, staring at me with golf ball eyes:)  It was so worth it.  He stayed with me that day from the morning we woke up until late that night.  My birthdays were always a reminder to me of how much I was loved by John and how he also celebrated my life by devoting the day to me.

When we lived on the east coast, John and I always spent his birthday with our incredible friends, Colleen and Joey Ciucci.  These were the first friends John introduced me to when we started dating.  Colleen and John's birthday's were only 4 days apart.  Every January, the four of us picked a weekend to go mountain biking together to celebrate John and Colleen.  This was so much better than presents.  Simply devoting the day or weekend to each other and doing something beautiful.  Our last birthday weekend with the Ciucci's was actually spent at John's parents house in Toms Brook, VA because Colleen and Joey had a new baby.  The Wilburn's actually helped watch her while we went mountain biking.  If you look in the picture above, you may see that Joey has a baby bump, that would be Cassidy hiding in there:)  

Colleen, Joey and I decided to continue this tradition as life moves forward without our best friend John.  We are heading to Douthat State Park in Virginia tomorrow to go mountain biking, and devote the weekend to each other doing something beautiful. I am bringing a part of John with me on this trip and plan to release him on one of his favorite trails.  Our other great friends, Nick and Meghan will be joining us.  It breaks my heart that I don't get to continue this tradition with my husband.  He is the one that started this beautiful tradition on my birthday and I can honestly say that it meant so much more to me than any present anyone could have given me.  I hope I can do the same for others one day.

Everyone tells me how milestones are so hard.  Some tell me I'll barely be able to get through the day.  I have to tell you, I disagree.  Everyday is hard, because John isn't in it.  There is no one day that is harder than another.  January 17th will be hard, so was January 15th, and 16th, so was June, September, November, the list goes on.  January 17th marks a day of many beautiful memories and time spent with John that I will cherish forever.  It marks a day of devotion to each other, getting outside and having an adventure together.  It marks a day of unconditional love.  I am so grateful for the birthday's I got with John and for the adventures we had together on his day.  So tomorrow, we're going to continue to honor him by getting outside, devoting the day to each other, and having an adventure.  I have a feeling we'll find him there with us.  I think it is important to honor those that have gone before us on these mile stones, honor who they were and what they stood for.  John stood for adventure, so that is what I am going to do.  Those memories are true, they are lovely, they are worthy of praise.  January 17th, I chose to think about those things and remember him.  

John surprised me with a duck pin bowling birthday party, Richmond, VA

Mountain Biking, Douthat State Park

Mountain Biking, Douthat State Park

Mountain Biking, Douthat State Park

  Birthday football tackle, Douthat State Park:)

Happy Birthday muffin, I pray you are enjoying new adventures today that are far beyond anything I could imagine here.  I love you always and forever.  

Dear John

"I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."  Philippians 3:12

Dear John,

I am above the clouds again, gazing out at the incredible Mt. Rainier, flying back to my home, flying away from ours.  I pictured you summiting this inspiring peak as you did multiple times throughout your journey on this earth.  You and I had planned to do this together at some point, but I was never sure if I would be strong enough.  My endurance could not compare to yours.  Yet as I stare at this intimidating, yet beautiful peak, I feel drawn to it.  Maybe I will make the trek to where you once stood one day.

And really muffin, that is what this trip was all about, being near you..  Many would call what I did a vacation, yet it never felt like a vacation, it felt like a summit through thick snow, through a blizzard..  A journey into the past, a part of my grieving process, a part of my need to heal.  I have to tell you muffin, it broke me down.  I've always considered myself to be someone with thick skin, with confidence and determination, someone who can handle anything thrown at her.  Driving into the mountains of southern Oregon seemed to transform me.  I became the person I was back in June when I left.  I couldn't sleep, at times I couldn't eat, and I cried more in those few days than I have in months. 

 You were everywhere my love.  I went to one of our favorite restaurants the night of my 31st birthday with our good friends, Jared and Lisa.  Multiple times I looked towards the restroom, expecting you to appear at any moment.  Your seat sat empty as we enjoyed each other's company.  I went for a morning run through our neighborhood and gazed at the house that was once our home.  A new couple now lives there and enjoys those beautiful mountain views from the front porch.  I drove through the Applegate Valley where we spent many motorcycle rides.  I even went back to the Smith River where you spent your last day with me and kayaked our last river.  It was then that I knew you were so near.  I paddled ahead of our group through each rapid with a confidence I have not felt in a long time.  I could picture you ahead of me making each move look so graceful.  I stopped at our rock and placed you there with an incredible view of the water and mountains.  I closed my eyes and pictured you standing there with me, the way you once did.  You were so happy muffin, so content and excited for this new chapter.

I mountain biked through the redwoods and passed the magnificent trees you and I once gazed at together.  I sat in silence and listened to the trees speak to each other.  I watched how the redwoods allow small beams of sunlight to peak through their branches.  I felt you in that light and in the wind as I flew through the twist and turns of the forest.  I felt your strength rise within me as I climbed to each overlook.  You were with me.  

I felt you around every corner muffin, around every river bend, as if you were just within my reach, but I couldn't catch you, I couldn't get to you, and it broke my heart.  It broke my spirit.   As I finally drove away from Grants Pass, it felt like an explosion was taking place in my chest, as if I was leaving you behind and for the first time in months, I panicked.  

I have to say that God delivered as he always does.  I prayed to feel you near muffin, in fact I begged before I came out here.  Yet, I felt you so much and so close that it ripped at my heart, it broke me down and revealed the darkness I felt months ago.  You were so close, yet your absence was so evident, and the permanency of this loss became so clear.  You are gone my love, off to a new adventure and a new beginning surrounded by perfection.  I am here muffin.  I realized from this journey to Oregon that you have moved on and you need me to do the same.  You need me to let go.  You need me to look ahead.  Returning to Oregon has revealed to me that I haven't done that.

I felt strongly on this trip that God is preparing me for something, and he needed me to visit our home so I could  face it, see it for what it now is, and let it go.  If I don't let go, I don't stand a chance muffin.  What we had was rare my love, I know that and I realize how incredibly blessed I was to experience a love like ours.  Our souls were one.  I used to think you ruined me.  Your love was so incredible, I felt it would be impossible to love someone like that again.  But as I fly this morning, I am realizing that it is just the opposite.  I can and will experience that again because of  that precious gift you gave me.  

Through the pain I felt this week muffin, I was surrounded.  Our friends came together and surrounded me.  Milestones took place from Christmas, to Birthdays, to a New Year.  I looked into the eyes of these beautiful people and felt God's love radiating throughout this inspiring place that was once our home.  I was not alone.  As I am now staring down at the Grand Canyon, I am realizing that this trip maybe broke me, but it didn't take me.  I am still standing, maybe with some bumps and bruises, but I am still standing, I am still breathing.  You needed me to see this place for what it now is, so I can let go.  

Because of you beautiful husband, I am flying back to the east coast with a new confidence that I can do that. I can move beyond you, yet know you are always with me, just around the river bend.  There will be new joys, new memories, new love, new beginnings, and it's all because of you.    I can now fly with my own wings.  Thank you John.  I love you always and forever.