This picture was taken 2 weeks after Tristan and I took two little boys into our home. I am many things in this picture. Stressed, exhausted, depressed, concerned, scared, regretful, frustrated, trapped. In my arms is a 5-year old little boy. In just 2 short weeks, he had attacked Tristan and I multiple times a day, and at the time, this was just the beginning of many physical outburst that would only get worse and worse. Shortly before this photo was taken, this little guy threw his head into my chest, knocking me completely off of my crouched position, sending me flying back into a wall. I had placed him in time-out for hitting his brother at the time, and when I pulled him into the bathroom to enforce the time-out, this little guy became terrified and was willing to do anything to get past me. He would bite, hit, scratch, scream, and destruct anything close by. He would name call and tell us how much he hated us. Even when he would sleep, he'd look stressed with a constant burrow.
I had not felt so stressed and so depressed since my first husband died. It was like I was grieving the loss of my simple pre-kids life, while silently screaming over the chaos I had just invited into my world. I lost 18 pounds within the first 4 weeks of having my two boys. There were a few mornings where I could not even get out of bed. One morning I had a panic attack in Tristan's arms and could not breathe. I felt ridiculous for claiming we were absolutely adopting them after meeting them twice. After 2 weeks I was ready to throw the towel in. Watching this child explode over and over again and realizing I had no idea how to help him set off every alarm in my body. I was in fight or flight and I simply wanted to flee. While consumed in my own stress, I did not realize that this little guy was also in fight or flight and had been since he was born. He had been fighting for years. What I thought was just bad behavior, was actually trauma, anxiety, and total stress exploding. Tristan and I were his 6th home. In just 5 years, this little guy had been moved around 6 times, laid his head on 6 different pillows, been introduced to 6 different routines, house rules, expectations, etc. He had no reason to trust us, and therefore, he was ready to fight.
2 days into Kindergarten he was admitted to a child's psychiatric hospital and Tristan and I were not sure if we would get him back or how long he would be there. I was a wreck during this time not only because I could not stand the thought of this little 5-year old all alone in this hospital, but even worse, I felt relieved at the time. I had taken the classes, watched the videos, read the books, I knew the definition of trauma and that so many kids in the foster care system had been through hell. Yet having an actual child in my home where I was seeing first hand the effects of the abuse he had endured completely rocked my world. I can't describe what it is like to look at a kid's face and just see the absolute panic in their eyes. I was not prepared.
This child had to sit alone in kindergarten because of his outburst which made him sad. Sometime's when I would pick him up from daycare after school he would be sitting alone at the playground while other kids played. He did not want to talk to anyone other than his brother. Tristan and I were hermits with the boys, only letting some of our closest friends and family come over at the time for what they may witness. We did not take them anywhere at first except for school. I received either a text message or phone call from the school almost daily for the first month regarding this little guy. I was concerned, really really concerned. I wondered if the damage was just too big for us to handle, would he be better off with someone else that had more experience than us, could we truly take on this kid and everything that came with him.
This is my son, almost 6 months later, 6-years old now, a genuinely happy kid, finally being just that, a kid. He is a wonderful soul with a great sense of humor, kindness and drive that I have fallen completely in-love with.
I want to talk about how we got from point A to point B, for I know all too well, as a foster parent, when you are sitting at point A, you can't see anything else and the thought of actual improvement seems impossible.
At home, we took all toys out of both boys rooms and moved everything to the basement. We boxed up about half of the toys the boys came with because we realized that too much is overwhelming for kids and tends to create havoc. Less is more. We limited the toys down to things that they can build or games they can play. Play-time is in the basement or outside and that's it. When they are in the main part of our house, we are calm, listening to music or hanging out as a family.
In their rooms we kept it for sleeping and clothes only. They have their bed, some stuffed animals and their clothes. There are no distractions, so when they are in there, it's for resting. In our 6-year old's room specifically, we put a body sock and a weighted blanket, both he uses regularly. We created a kids library in our loft, right outside of the boys rooms so every night after showers they could pick a few books to read before bed.
We boxed up the tablets they came with. With our 6-year old especially we realized that when he had it he would escalate, and when he didn't have it he would escalate. We stopped allowing any television during the school week and limit screen-time to family movie nights on the weekends. Since doing this, we've noticed that the boys love having family dinner where we can all talk, and when we go out to eat they are calm, well behaved and can sit with us and chat without the need for any electronic stimulation. Recently we have gotten into family game night which they love.
We introduced greens to the boys as a daily thing they must eat before dinner every night. While this was a fight at first, it's not even questioned now. Both boys have a full serving of fresh spinach every night before dinner. We limited sugar in-take as much as possible. I have witnessed both boys after one Dr. Pepper and I will never do it again. Soda trick: give your kid a seltzer and add a squirt of Stevia to it, suddenly it's "soda." We give them a fruit every morning and try to change it up (Mangos, Bananas, Apples, Pears, Grapes). They have to eat something before they get the cereal.
We put both boys down for bed every night by 7:30pm. Kids need a ton of sleep, especially little guys with so many big feelings.
Kids that have experienced trauma really benefit from therapy. I absolutely love the boy's counselor, she's fantastic and has put both kids at ease, they love going to see her.
After many conversations with doctors and a child psychiatrist, we put our 5-year old at the time on some medication. I always thought I would be one of those mom's that NEVER allows medication for my kids. Medication can actually help your child feel better. Again, so many big feelings for small people. I don't think he will always need medication, but for now, as he continues to learn coping skills and how to process what happened to him, it certainly helps.
Tristan and I do not give these two an inch when it comes to accountability. This was hard for me and Tristan had to encourage me a few times to stay the course. I felt sorry for the boys when I first got them and I had to get over that quickly. Feeling sorry for them was only creating a crutch for them and making excuses for things I knew we needed to work with them on to help eliminate. It's the only way they truly stand a chance at becoming fine young men. Through the last few months there have been many sit down serious conversations, apology letters written, verbal apologies, groundings. When we speak with them sternly, they say yes ma'am and yes sir and while that may seem extreme, it's teaching them a level of respect that they've never known before and our hope is this will transfer to a respect for themselves. With that, we've inputted a lot of visual positive reinforcement. Both boys have a calendar on their door. When they have a great day, they get a sticker on the calendar. We started off with 3 good days in a row led to us doing something special together as a family where they got to pick the activity. This could be as simple as going to the skate park, or something bigger like going to the movies. My 6-year old hit his 9th day of great behavior this weekend. He used to not be able to get through 9-minutes.
I think one of the most frustrating aspects of being a foster parent is when you witness behaviors and characteristics in a child that you feel are not a reflection of you. These traits are not something you enabled or passed down to them. Yet, you are tasked with carrying the weight of those behaviors, and often times having to re-wire a child's brain to understand that their "normal" simply isn't normal.
My 6-year old once said to me, "Erin, all adults hit people, it's why I hit people." That was his normal for years that Tristan and I had to re-wire.
There is a huge need across not just the state of West Virginia, but the country to help these kids. My state alone has over 7,000 kids in the foster care system. These are just kids and frankly, they are no more damaged in some ways than a privileged kid who has never been told "no" in their life. They are resilient, tough, and do not deserve the card they have been dealt. For those that are fostering, if you are at point A, keep going, give it at least 90 days. While not every placement is the right one, I will say that some of the best advice given to me was to give it at least 3 months. I am so glad that I did. If you are thinking about fostering, please feel free to reach out to me. I will not sugar coat anything, and I'd take all of it on all over again for my two boys.
We now have a 6-year old little boy that has not laid a hand on us in 5 months. Kids come up to him and give him high-five's and want to play. He is kind to his brother, he has friends at school, he participates in sports, he's a good student, he likes to share, and he tells us he loves us every day. Tristan said to me months ago, "we have to keep going." When I look at my 6-year old son now, I can't imagine my world without him. I want to thank ALL of the foster moms that reached out to me during those first few weeks and encouraged me to just keep going. My husband who said, we must keep going. I can look back on a few pivotal moments in my life where I decided to keep going and in the end I found joy again. This is one of them.
