Fayetteville, WV May 2014 (Myself, Bird and Lizzie)
This was a picture my sister took of the three of us 2 months after my first husband John died. We were in Fayetteville, I was looking at rentals and trying to figure out if I was truly going to leave the west coast and move here. I'm miserable here. I had no joy at the time, I felt weak, I was exhausted but could not sleep, I couldn't even fake a real smile. I was a zombie. I avoided pictures for a long time because pictures are meant for smiles, and it took everything for me to muster one up for a while. Think about this condition as you read my words.
Three weeks after John died back in 2014, I returned to my job in Oregon. In a three week period, I had breakfast with John, we went thrift store shopping, I saw his cold body on a table lifeless and empty, I cremated him and saw his body go from a body to a small box, I held two funerals, I went from married to widow, just in three weeks, and was now back at work. My first day back, a co-worker stopped into my office and asked me how I was doing. I remember just staring at him and saying something to the tune of, “well….”. I then asked how he was doing. He said, “Well, the sun is shining, and I’m not in the obituaries so I am doing GREAT!” We then stared at each other, no one speaking, for about 15 seconds, and then he left. I remember feeling like someone had just punched me in the throat. I look back on this strange memory and can laugh about it now.
Over the years I’ve had some very odd encounters like this, just to list a few..
5 minutes after finding out John was dead..
“How long have you been married? My wife and I are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary!”
“Do you want a sandwich? All I can think about right now is food, we’ve been searching for hours, I'm starving!”
At his funeral…
“Did John accept Jesus before he died? I sure hope so.”
“Don’t worry, you’re very young, you’ll marry again in no time.”
“Do you regret not having children?”
“What happened? How did he die? Did you see it happen?”
“This was God’s will.”
Within the first year of his death..
“How heavy are his ashes? Do you have much left?”
“You know what I think the worst way to die would be? Drowning. Man that must be horrible.”
“Sometimes I wanted to punch John in the face for encouraging others to kayak the way he did.”
“I totally get what you are going through, my boyfriend and I broke up and that was tough.”
“I’d rather my spouse die than cheat on me, at least your marriage ended on a good note.”
“I haven’t seen my husband in 3 days and I feel like I’m dying, I can't wait for him to come home!"
“At least you didn’t have children.”
Over-time..
“You need to start dating again or you’re going to end up being an old angry widow.”
“I’m not ready for you to not be John’s wife, you dating someone else is hard for me.”
“Your grief isn’t as hard as mine, you didn’t know John as long as I did.”
“Aren't you sad to be getting married again?”
“Are you actually thinking about changing your last name?”
“You two only had 6 ½ years together, imagine how hard it would be if you had decades.”
“Look at the amazing things you’ve done with John’s death, you’ve truly turned lemons into lemonade.”
“You can replace your husband and get a new husband, his parents can’t replace their son so…”
“It’s time to move on Erin, you just need to move on.”
"Do you love Tristan more than you loved John?"
I’ve hesitated to write about this over the years, because I truly feel that none of these comments came with bad intentions or with intent to hurt. If anything, they came from a place of uncertainty, hurt, fear, shock, and even love.
Lately though I feel that I have come across a few individuals who are in the thick of things and are experiencing some bizarre moments with friends, family, co-workers, strangers, and they don’t know how to handle it because they are zombies right now and can barely pour a glass of water. Our cognitive behaviors are debilitated when we lose someone so close to us. It's as if you are functioning in a jello mold, everything takes effort, breathing is literally painful. Your body is there, your mind is gone. You are a shell, stuck inside of your vessel floating around in space while the world around you seems to still be functioning. I feel protective of these individuals because I remember what it was like to be there and how words at the time could so easily feel like knives in my chest, I would just crumble beneath them.
Over time I’ve channeled my inner smart ass, and I must admit that there have been moments I took a lot of personal enjoyment in giving a response that probably made other’s feel quite uncomfortable. When an inappropriate comment came my way, I'd throw one right back and act as if it was normal, well, because it was at the time. Someone once told me that they couldn’t live without Starbucks, they would literally die if they couldn’t have it daily. I looked at them and said, “Well, I didn’t think I could live without my husband, but he’s dead now and here I am!” I once went to a wedding where the officiant talked about how the two would grow old together and the hands they hold now would one day be wrinkly and aged. I leaned over to my good buddy, also a widow at the time and said, “Maybe? Don’t put all your eggs in that basket!” To the person that wanted to punch John, I suggested throwing his ashes into the air and giving it a hard swing. Let that anger out. Someone once assumed that I must be divorced when realizing that Wilburn was not my maiden name and yet no ring on my left hand. “Not divorced, widowed, my wedding band started to feel like a daily reminder of that so its now on my right hand, that ok with you?”
I’ve learned with the harder comments over time to hold my tongue, and even laugh about it later, because it’s just a disconnect between two people. I don't need to make someone feel bad for something they've said. If anything, comments like these have allowed me to lean into my own silence more and more, to check in with myself and realize that no one really knows what to say in these circumstances, and sometimes when we try so hard to say the right thing, we say the opposite out of nervousness and fear.
John’s death allowed me to let go of everything over the years. I don’t carry anger the way that I used to. I am not at odds with anyone. Being at peace with my husband, friends and family is a top priority because those relationships could end in a second. I don’t carry weight anymore that isn’t necessary and I don’t put weight on others to carry. If I died tomorrow, I would die knowing that my family and friends know they are loved by me. There is no anger or resentment, years of not speaking, just love.
When someone behaves in a way that I can’t connect with or understand, I recognize that their behavior comes from something inside of them that they may be battling with and its not for me to judge or dissect. I try to understand everyone’s view point, even when it’s not mine, because I believe deep down that most people are good inside, they just live in the harsh world that I also live in and that’s really hard. I’ve learned to laugh things out as much as possible because the one thing that is always good for the soul is belly laughing, even when it comes to death. I never assume anything, and I chose my words very carefully with people because I don't know what cards they've been dealt or what kind of pain they've had to endure.
I'd like to give some advice to those who are close to someone that has lost someone so dear to them. I've been living with this new version of me for almost 4 years now and feel this may be helpful.
A few key things that I feel are important…
-You don't have to ask how someone is doing, they're doing horribly, and that's completely fine. If anything, let them know it's horrible, acknowledge it with them.
-You don't have to say a lot. All you need to say is you’re so sorry, this absolutely sucks, it’s not fair and you love them. One of my cousins left a voicemail on my phone only 3 days after John died. He said, "Hey couz, I am so sorry, I don't know what to say......ummmm.....this is fucking terrible." I remember listening to it and laughing out loud, because he was absolutely right and it was the first time in 3 days that someone just came out with it and allowed it to be exactly what it was, terrible. Thanks Cousin Scott!
-Doing verses saying is better. Just go do something for them whether its mow the lawn, grab some food, cook, run a load of laundry, clean their house, take their dog on a walk, anything. I had a great friend that came and stayed with me for about 2 weeks after John died. She didn’t have to say much at all, she was just there and sat with me, quietly, made sure my animals were fed. It was everything I needed at the time.
-Silence is OK. Sit with your friend, family member and hold their hand, put your hand on their shoulder, let that energy transfer to them that spreads goodness, let your words go. If you need to speak, pray quietly for them in your heart, send good vibes to them. You don’t need to solve things for them. My mom would sit with me and just put her hand on my shoulder or hold my hand, we didn't need to talk about it, I just needed to sit there and cry and that was ok.
-You don’t get to have an opinion about how a person should grieve, when they should date, how they should handle belongings, what stage they should be in, where they should work, when they should smile again, how quickly they should be moving through the process. It’s not for you to experience, it’s not your burden to carry. Even when you have been there before, your experience was yours alone. You do get to be a good friend, a good family member and allow that person to work through it the way they need to as long as they aren’t harming themselves.
-Don't try to make a person's death something positive or somehow justify the life they have now because of a previous death. Telling someone that they've come into this great life and done great things because of their spouses death doesn't feel good. They are in that life because that is the life they are in, it was not by choice. Chapters do not need to be compared, they simply need to be respected.
-Grief is not a competition or a comparison chart. Grief is something to be respected and acknowledged for everyone going through it. To live is to grieve, and something we all will experience multiple times throughout our lives. Don't treat it like the plague. Don't try to take it away. Let your loved one sit in it, let them scream and rage and cry and laugh and try new things. It's ok.
So there are my two cents. To those that are in the thick of it, I promise you will learn to laugh about these strange encounters later, and over-time these moments will make your heart softer. Recognize that those that love you truly do have the best intentions, even when they say things that may hurt. The anger will dissolve over time, and you’ll understand that we’re all just people here on earth trying to survive. Zip it, sit with it, acknowledge it, respect it, don’t judge it. Go easy on the zombies, for one day they will be people again.
Me and my sweet husband Tristan, October 2017, belly laughing. 