Unchaining God

"If you do not find God in the next person you meet, it is a waste of time looking for him further."  Mahatma Gandhi

I was told to close my eyes and to simply listen to her voice.  She asked me to describe my last delicious meal, how I felt, who it was with, what it was. I talked about the Mexican dish I made Tristan a few nights before and the mixture of salsa I threw together, yet it somehow tasted delicious. I told her I felt tired, accomplished with the day, at peace in my new home and happy to be with Tristan.   She then told me to think about the most peaceful place on earth.  Picture this place in my mind and go there.  I immediately pictured the gorge, and the overlook I enjoy sitting on in my neighborhood.  I felt myself sitting on the cold stone, I saw the river below, the bridge, the sound of the trees.  She told me to picture a heavy fog slowly drifting over the rim.  Picture everything being engulfed in this fog and to allow myself to be taken with the mist.  I felt myself slowly fading with the fog and drifting further and further away from my sitting spot.  She told me we were traveling to another time, another place.  She told me to allow myself to go somewhere else, find that memory.  She told me that my body was coming back to one, to feel my arms and legs.  She told me as the fog clears to look down at my feet, to look at myself and my surroundings, and tell her about it.

I saw tan feet, laced in sandals.  I seemed to be dressed in some kind of wrapped cloth.  I was standing by a river, facing a vast array of mountains.  I couldn’t seem to identify my face, I believe I was female.  I was collecting water.  I saw a village, large tents, people working together, preparing what seemed to be a big meal.  I sensed community, a large family.  I sensed I had a role here that mattered.  This dinner led to what looked like a wedding.  A celebration.  She looked so happy, fulfilled.  I felt proud of her, I sensed she was my child, now a woman choosing love.  I was so happy for her.  This was a beautiful day. 

She told me to go to my death, go to my last day in this life.  I was lying down, there were many present, what seemed like family.  My chest felt very heavy, tight, coughing. I sensed someone right by my side.  Other’s were smiling.   She asked me what I learned from this life, who did I need to forgive, who needed to forgive me?  I felt as if nothing was unresolved, all I sensed was love, community, family.  It was not a hard life from what I could tell, it was quite simple actually.  My heart felt big. 

She then told me to allow someone to come forward that I love deeply, who do I see.  I instantly saw John.  She asked where I was.  I sensed on the river.  I was following him.  We weren’t  talking, I was simply following him, trying to mimic his moves.  Every so often he would turn around and look at me.  It felt like a reassurance.  I felt safe, a sense of calm.  Complete security.  She asked me to go to the next significant event.  I immediately saw his death.  I could literally see every event of that 24 hour period as if it was yesterday.  The calmness was suddenly gone, and every emotion and reaction came forward.  I felt things I have not felt in a long time, total panic.  

She then told me to go forward and see John now.  I saw him directly in front of me.  It was as if we were floating in space.  She told me to acknowledge his love and let it take over.  I looked at him and felt the warmth between us.  I saw his smile, he looked healthy and vibrant.   She told me to give my love back to him, let it move from me to him, allow him to acknowledge this love.  She told me to forgive myself while with him in this moment.  She told me to forgive him, release the regret and anger of choices made that day.  See him now for what he is.  I sobbed through this unique interaction, it felt as if my heart was exploding again. 

 She asked me to acknowledge the irreversible bond between us, to recognize this eternal love, to physically see the light between us.   She reminded me again of eternal love, to always remember the acknowledgement of that love within me.  She then told me to let him go, for he still had purpose, I still had purpose, and both of us had to go forward now.  I sat in this vision for a while longer until I felt ready.    I then saw John fading, still smiling, but fading into what looked like a mist.  I sensed in this moment that he had purpose, as if he was busy, with work to do, yet not too far from me.  I did not sense death anymore. 

This experience was completely bizarre, stressful, yet also healing and lovely at the same time.  I found it hard to really let go and allow these thoughts to come forward with this guide.  I don't know why I saw this particular life of the woman by the river, and why this life, her life was so simple.  Maybe it was a reminder that not every life presents heart ache, that some lives can simply be good and we don't always have to expect the worst.  We can allow ourselves to be happy.  I became intrigued with past life experiences after losing John.  This interest only grew over time until  I finally decided to go through it myself.  I can't truly say if it was real or not.  I can only speak of what I saw, what I felt during this session and how it affected me.

For over 2 years, I've been asking myself two questions.  What purpose did John's death serve?  Why am I still here?  I think deep grief can cause us to really question what the point of all of this is.  Grief demands questions that many times cannot be answered.  Many want a cure for the pain, a magic formula that stops the deep chest ache.  I am starting to feel that the cure lies within our ability to open our minds, to consider everything that could be, and to stop compartmentalizing God.  

I am starting to feel strongly that John's death sparked a curiosity in me that I could not ignore.  This curiosity has led me to enlightenment, a new perspective on the world we live in and why we are here.  I believe I am experiencing a spiritual shift, an awakening that was not there before.   I believe his death is the reason I am just now starting to understand how big God is and how endless this love is for human kind. 

I do not believe Religion is necessary to know God.  I love the bible.  I believe the messages in scripture can be life changing, but I believe God can connect with anyone regardless of what they have or have not read.  I believe God is bigger than the Bible, the Tripitaka, the Torah.  I believe God loves people from all religions, all back grounds and perspectives.  I believe this love is always available to us, yet so many of us don't love ourselves, so we essentially can't love God when this happens.  I believe that hell is merely the experience of suffering on earth, a cycle of karma that we can get stuck in when we refuse to consider more than what we were simply told, when we don't self-reflect, when we don't love ourselves.  I believe we have many lives to experience and each life presents it's own challenges, it's own lessons.  I believe each lesson we learn draws us closer to God.  I believe our bodies are simply a vessel for our soul when we are here, and the soul never dies.   I do not believe you burn in a raging fire for eternity if you make a terrible mistake.  I truly believe God is love and love only.  I believe we lose our sense of God when we allow ourselves to feel hate, resentment, judgment towards others.  These feelings instill fear and as Jesus said himself, there is no fear in love, yet perfect love drives out fear.   We create our own hell when we don't choose love.

I want more love, less hate, less anger, less judgement, fewer categories.   I want more Jesus, less Religion.  I want God for everyone from all backgrounds, not just one group of people.  

I was hesitant to write about my experience, about this shift in my heart.  Yet, I feel that asking questions and considering more saved me, and allowed me to move forward.  I think those going through deep grief, unresolved pain can truly cure themselves when they consider a love that has no end, no limits, no loop holes.   Unchaining God let this love grow so deep within me, I feel as if I can notice it everywhere now.