"I have dreams where our souls dance with our silhouettes and the only light that exists is the reflection of the moon across the sea. I have dreams where it is just you and me and we are infinite, and we are careless, and we are brave as the waves crash like burning ashes against our tired feet." Christopher Poindexter
We live in a broken world. I often feel imprisoned in my own flesh. A body that grows older each day, new pains, new marks. I believe that is why it is only temporary. I thank God every day for that. I believe this world is made for our souls to grow. I believe we choose to come here to learn, teach, serve our purpose, and then go home to our creator. John taught me so much in our time together. He was one of the few people I knew who was cut off from social media and most technology. His world consisted of the trees, the rivers, his guitar and old books. He owned a flip phone for emergency use only. I knew no one like him, yet I felt so drawn to his energy. This was a curiosity that continued to grow even after his death.
Did he truly serve his purpose? I am sure many have wondered how a young man who was just starting his life could have completed everything he was meant to come here for. I've had some tell me, "What a waste." Was it though? His impact on this world was pretty significant for such a young man, effecting so many people who are still here. Did he choose this life? This is something I ask myself every day, yet it seems to be the only way I can justify his death.
In three days, it will be March 9th. It will mark 2 years since John lost his life that day on the Smith River. I haven't been myself for the last few weeks. I feel sleep deprived, my chest is tight, my headaches are back. I feel agitated and cranky, as if I am on the verge of snapping. The month of March seems to turn me into someone I am not so fond of. She takes over and suddenly, I don't feel as light or joyful anymore. It felt as if the world had stopped turning that day. I remember everything. Every detail, every feeling, and the desperation that seemed to suffocate me as each hour passed. It became a living nightmare within minutes.
When we lose someone so close to us, we are forced to walk through mile stones in the years to come. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, holidays. I have been able to look back during many mile stones throughout the last 2 years and remember something beautiful. These memories are ingrained in me, and I sometimes speak of them as if he is still here. Maybe it is easier that way. March 9th is a mile stone that has no beauty, no hope, yet I and many others are still forced to walk through it every year and remember.
These physical reactions to me, are not of God. Reliving someone's death over and over again truly gets you no where. I have found that if anything, I push God out during these times and I let the darkness take over. This leads to anger, regret, resentment towards others. I let myself become a victim of this loss. I lash out at others, people I care about. Nothing good comes from that. I've learned this lesson a few times over the last 2 years, and I am sure I will continue to battle this darkness in the days to come. I've learned to recognize when my mind and heart go there, acknowledge it and try and change direction. For what other choice is there? Rage and anger don't bring them back.
We live in a world full of judgement, stress, hatred, fighting. There are times I feel as if the choice to love has been cast aside. It's amazing to me what can ruin a person's day. Traffic, waiting on food, a flight cancellation, the wrong paint color. The list goes on and on. I see couples snap at each other and pick each other apart. Two people together yet not engaged at all, glued to a phone. It makes me cringe every time. I often wonder if they even know what they have.
All that is left are bone fragments and ash that can rest in my hands. I have pictures that remind me he was once real, breathing, a heart beat, talking, alive. I have one voice mail left. I have go pros's from his time on the river. These items became like fine gold to me. Yet they are just items. Physical ghosts. They don't talk back. They don't fill the void. The things that used to upset me and distract me when John was alive completely disgust me now. None of it mattered.
My questions to those choosing to read my words are this. Are you alive? Are your loved ones alive? Are you engaged with them? Are you present? Do those around you know how much you love them? Is love the first choice? Do you know your creator and the incredible love this universe has for you? Have you asked?
These questions became daily for me after losing my husband. These questions will continue to make me a better woman, a stronger woman not only for myself but for those I love, those that are still here. A woman that can serve her purpose the right way and then go home.
So March 9th will come and go and people will remember him. I will get up and go to work that day, eyes ahead with a smile on my face. I won't relive his death. I may not even cry. What I will do is be present with those still here, and remember those that have been so incredibly kind and loving to me over the past 2 years. Those that took risk that day to recover him. Those that called me every day, sat with me in silence, were available at all hours of the night. Those that have continued to honor him and take their own adventures. I will think of the many friends, family, and strangers that have continued to impact me over the last 2 years. Most importantly I'll say thank you to my creator for carrying me every single day and choosing love for me regardless of my rage, my anger, my resentment. For without that I would be nothing.
Let what is left in my hands be a reminder that we are only here for a short amount of time. So remember those that are still here. Remember to show love. Remember to look around and be present. Put your hope in eternity, where home truly is. For when we truly do that, all that is left is just a reminder of what is to come, a place we'll all be reunited one day, where love is the only choice.
