My Sister's Keeper

"I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers.  It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage.  Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at."  Maya Angelou

I think it is really important when you lose someone you love so much to remember those that are still here, for you are still here.   I believe that a deep journey through grief can be shaped by those you chose to surround yourself with through that journey.  While my grief is no one's burden but mine, I'd be a fool to think I could do this without my family and friends.

  One of the first things that attracted me to John were the people he chose to surround himself with.  John had incredible friends and a family that he loved.  Any man that consistently calls his grand mother to say hello has my vote.  That was John.  I felt the power of his relationships the moment he was gone.  All of our friends, regardless of how long it had been since we'd seen each other rallied around me with nothing but love.

There are two remarkable women that truly stick out when I reflect on my journey, where I was last year, and where I am now.  Those two women are my sisters, Anna and Lizzie.  They are so remarkable that I feel compelled to write about them and talk about what they have done for me.  I want others to know who they are.

One of the hardest parts about moving to Oregon with John was the reality that we would be placing a country between myself and my siblings.  I have been so blessed to not only have a wonderful childhood with my sisters and brother, but as the years have passed, they have all become my best friends.  No family is perfect, but we were perfect for each other.  I realize how blessed I am, because not everyone has this.  I've come across individuals throughout my life that are estranged from their siblings, some that haven't spoken to each other in years nor want to.  This has never been my reality.  I feel that we have always functioned as a team and all three of them have helped shape me into the person that I am today.

As the oldest of four, I would say I have always been your pretty typical oldest child.  My siblings have always told me I am the "peace maker" of the family.  I seemed to play the judge growing up in settling sibling disputes and getting us all back on the same page, including myself.  From the time I was young, I remember feeling a responsibility to be a leader for my three siblings, a protector, someone who can set the pace and help pave a path for each of them. 

 I also have to say that there are not two other individuals that I have laughed with harder than Anna and Lizzie.  One thing I believe all of us somehow inherited were inappropriate senses of humor which I fully own and enjoy.  There are no barriers for me with these two, anything goes.  Both of them even found ways to make me laugh right after John died.  When things are as heavy as that, sometimes the best thing you can do is let yourself laugh things out.  I'm sure others would have been mortified by our humor, but if there was one thing John understood about my two sisters, it's that we took things to a whole new level of laughter.

When I met my husband, my siblings instantly liked John.  They continued to rally around him as our love grew stronger and treated him like a brother.  They all looked up to John and had a lot of respect for the man he was.  Knowing that your family truly accepts the man you chose to love, and knowing that they love that person like family meant everything to me.  When John died, my family took it as hard as I did.  I remember even feeling a need to protect my siblings, ensuring them things would be OK and that John would need them to be OK.

My two sisters were on a flight to Oregon within 48 hours of John's death, and I have to tell you, those two women did everything for me for the next few weeks.  I can remember getting up and just going out to the front porch and sitting there all day everyday for a week.  I would just stare at the mountains.  I couldn't even pour myself a glass of water.  These two did everything from cleaning, laundry, cooking, walking Jake, putting the funeral together, dealing with all business matters, sleeping beside me at night, and simply sitting with me.  They didn't leave my side.  When I started considering moving back east to the Appalachians, my two sisters went with me to Fayetteville to help me make the decision.  When I finally chose to move back east, my sister and brother-in-law flew back out and helped me pack.  When I had to make the long drive back east, my other sister flew out and made the drive with me.  There hasn't been a day that has gone by where they haven't called to check-in and make sure things are OK.  They are both so selfless and have dropped everything for me so many times without any hesitation.

What has really inspired me, is what both women have done with their lives since losing John.  After John passed, a few months later, Lizzie and Luke (my awesome brother-in-law), decided to follow their dreams, take a risk, and open an Art Gallery and Studio called the Blue Rabbit in downtown Mount Airy.  Not only is Lizzie's incredible art displayed here, but she shares this passion with children and adults through classes with the loving support of Luke who manages the business.  I could not be more proud of Lizzie.  It takes so much hard work and determination to open your own business and to simply not settle.  To me, this is an incredible example of John's impact on others.  They even continue to honor John through the Blue Rabbit by donating to his scholarship through art events.  Lizzie is one of the few individuals I know that has turned her passion and dream to reality.  It is truly inspiring and has motivated me to do the same one day.

My other sister took a trip to Alaska (a place John had always wanted to see) and took his ashes with her.  John's sense of adventure really inspired Anna to step out of her comfort zone and go explore.  I was really proud of her for doing this.  She came back and said Alaska was the most beautiful place she had ever seen.  I think her trip to Alaska changed her in some ways and built a confidence in her to adventure more and take risk.  Anna is one of the most selfless people I know and constantly puts others before herself.  She has always taken care of everyone.  Her patience and kindness are far beyond most people in this world.   It really made me smile and feel so proud to see her do something for herself and take John with her.  

What I've realized as this year has passed is that I've gotten to know both of these women for who they really are, and what they are truly capable of.  They have both been leaders for me and have taken care of me in ways that no one else could.  They are wise beyond their years and carry a light with them that I have had the pleasure of seeing for myself.  I believe I would be in a much darker place had it not been for these two women.  I thank God every day for my sisters and understand now more than ever what a blessing they are.  Throughout the years I have always felt this need to protect them, lead them, to be my sister's keepers.  Yet, our roles have reversed and they have been mine.  I thank God every day for that.  I owe my life to both of them and feel so proud to call Anna and Lizzie my sisters.  

                                                    

I love you Anna and Lizzie.  Thank you for taking care of me.

To These Five Women

"It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision - it is then that Friendship is born.  And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.”  C.S. Lewis

It is Sunday evening on Mother's Day and I am sitting here at the Portland airport watching the sun go down over the rolling mountains, immersed in Douglas Firs.  I feel peace sitting here this evening, comforted by this incredible terrain.  This was once my home, a place that will always be John's home, a place that will always be our home.  Moving to Oregon changed me.  It unlocked a door I had never been brave enough to open and exposed me to a whole new world of adventure and discovery.  We left a familiar life of friends, family and comfortable jobs and took a risk together, an adventure together.  I love Oregon for that.  Oregon embraced us, awoke us.  I felt like we both were truly living here in this beautiful state and our love grew deeper.  Taking a risk like this changed me, it changed John and we both knew we'd be stronger together because of this risk.  Being back in Oregon I often wonder what we would have been doing at that point.  What new trails and rivers we would have discovered.  Oregon has a way of warming my heart and breaking it at the same time.  But my love for Oregon and the happiness and joy it brought my husband far outweighs my pain.   He was so happy here, he was alive.  I will forever love her for that.

The day John was found I remember having this moment where the realization of our family and closest friends being so far away was more painful to me than it had ever been.  After the funeral in North Carolina, everyone returned home and I was left awaiting my flight back to Oregon and felt suddenly isolated.  I wanted to curl up in my moms bed like a child.  It frightened me that I had to return to this place that was supposed to be our home yet was still so foreign to me.  I felt alone.   John and I did everything together during our time here.  He was my only family out west.  My partner in crime.  I couldn't imagine returning without him and I was nervous.  Yet I remember as the plane descended into southern Oregon and those green mountains appeared below the fog line, I knew Oregon was where I was supposed to be for now.  It just felt right.

I didn't realize this at the time, but my choice to return to Oregon was simply the start of a journey with five incredible women that would save my life.  Each would save me in a different and unique way that would change me, awaken me again and remind me that I'm still here.

I decided to have a simple ceremony for the small community of friends and coworkers we had created here in Grants Pass, Oregon.  It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  We hadn't been here long, but we were here long enough that we had a community of people that truly cared and needed the closure I gave our family and friends back east.  The night before the ceremony 5 women traveled to my home in Grants Pass to spend the weekend with me.  

John and I met Haven Livingston on the North Fork of the Feather River down in California over the fall.  We then found ourselves paddling again with her on the Smith River a few months later.  I had only seen Haven twice on the river before John died, but will never forget her smile and being greeted with handfuls of avocados.  After March 9th, Haven wrote to me and asked if she could come spend some time with me.  Without hesitation, I said yes.  John and I had met Lori Turbes on the Smith River once.  Lori was a light of energy when I met her and had a smile on the river that I immediately felt drawn to.  I never would have imagined at the time that she would become one of the four brave individuals that would recover John on March 10th.  Lori showed up to my home the night before the ceremony.  John and I met Lisa Byers shortly after we moved to Oregon over dinner one night.  The three of us ended up becoming great friends and spent a lot of time on the river together.  As I've said before, Lisa truly was the female version of my husband, they were kindred spirits.  Lisa was there that night.  Chrissy Johnston was a raft guide with Lori on the Rogue and an avid kayaker.  I had never met Chrissy before, but she had asked Lori if she could come meet me.  I said yes without hesitation.  Finally, Melissa Joyce.  Lori called me about 2 weeks after John died and told me about her friend Melissa who's husband had also drowned during a kayaking trip on the Grand Canyon only 9 days after John had passed.  I remember reading Curt's obituary in my living room the day after John's funeral, feeling shocked this had actually happened to someone else.  Lori felt drawn to introducing the two of us.  Melissa Joyce showed up the night before John's funeral, having just flown back from her own husband's funeral.

That night, the five of us sat together in my living room drinking wine and eating brie.  Honestly that night was a fog, I don't remember much of our conversation, other than these five women were there with me.  That night marked the beginning of some of the strongest bonds I have ever felt.  

Lisa helped me get back in my kayak.  She paddled along side me my first time back on the river.  I honestly don't know any other women that are tougher than Lisa and that toughness instilled something tough in me.  I watched her take a risk and head solo to Yakutat, Alaska where she is now living and working.  She went not knowing anyone, with no phone service and little internet.  Yet, people gravitate towards her, and she's living an incredible adventure, exploring whenever she can.  Lisa has always taken full advantage of the outdoors and always finds ways to explore.  Lisa reminds me everyday that I am still here, so tough I shall be.

Lori helped me to love the river again.  I paddled the North Fork of the Smith side by side with Lori before moving back east.  She was my cheerleader, and my protector.  Lori is a light of energy and is a woman that truly loves what she does.  She took a risk and started a kayaking school in Southern Oregon.  Her passion created success, and now she lives the reality of an incredible dream.  Lori is encouraging, true to herself, a true adventurist.  Lori reminds me everyday that I am still here, so a dreamer I shall be.

Haven helped me to love myself and be open to love.  Haven stayed with me for a week after returning to Oregon.  She was simply present and there in anyway that I needed her, I didn't have to be alone.  Haven truly takes care of herself and instills healthy habits into her life that inspires me.  Haven took a risk and opened her heart up to love.  Vulnerable, unconditional, inspirational love.  Haven is beautiful, she is balanced, she is present.  Haven reminds me everyday that I am still here, so love I shall have.

Chrissy helped me to find light in everything I do.  The first thing Chrissy said to me when we met was, "I am so sorry you lost your best friend."  It was one of the most genuine things anyone had said to me.  I have never seen Chrissy without a smile on her face and a hug awaiting me.  Shortly after John and Curt passed away, Chrissy decided that life simply is too short, so she proposed to Nate.  I felt so blessed to attend their beautiful wedding ceremony this past weekend and to see these two become a family.  Chrissy is authentic, genuine, and completely full of love and compassion for others.  Chrissy reminds me every day to laugh, give hugs and smile.  She reminds me that I am still here, so compassion I shall have.

Melissa taught me complete unconditional selflessness.  I honestly don't know many women that would come to the funeral of a man they did not know to support a woman they did not know, only weeks after their own husband died.  Into old age, I will never forget that.  Melissa and I have walked hand in hand through all of this.  We chose each other that day in Grants Pass and became family.  I am stronger in my faith because of Melissa.  I will help other's because of Melissa.  I have learned to allow the pain to surface in my heart and walk through it, not around it, because of her.  Melissa took a risk, left a job, and went back to graduate school with plans to get a Masters in Divinity so she can Chaplin to other's one day.  She is using her pain to help others.  She's allowing her pain to spring her into positive action.  Melissa also took a risk and is moving somewhere beautiful, with trails in her back yard.  She is heading to the mountains and being true to her soul.  I find this truly inspiring.  Melissa reminds me every day to be brave, strong, and selfless to others.  She reminds me that I am still here, so selfless I shall be.  

These women are amazing.  They are my heros.  They are a part of me and I will forever be a better woman because of each of them.  These are the type of friendships where you pick up right where you left off.  Regardless of how far away we are from each other, our souls are intertwined.  I see us with white hair one day taking a stroll down the shore somewhere, laughing away.  To these five women, I owe my heart forever.  I love you Haven, Lori, Chrissy, Melissa and Lisa.