Divine Moments

My father-in-law Herb has called me almost every week for the last three years.  We've also spent time together supporting John's scholarship, tackling some beautiful western Virginia hikes, and have even braved time on the river together.   From the moment John was gone, Herb has checked on me month after month and made himself available to me whenever I needed him. My father in law has done this for me, regardless of his own pain and the weight he must carry daily.  I always admired the relationship John had with his dad and the many commonalities between the two.  Sometime’s being around the two at the same time felt like seeing what was probably a past version of Herb and a future version of John.   Both almost identical when it came to appearance, mannerisms, and love for the outdoors.  I looked forward to the thought of John becoming more and more like his dad into older age.  I pictured a more mellow version of John, where a simple hike, and the glimpse of a beautiful water fall may one day be enough for him to feel satisfied.

Two days after John’s death, Herb found me one evening in our back yard in Oregon alone and completely frozen as I clung to the still wet kayak gear hanging on the clothes line.  He walked up to me, put his arm around me and asked me to promise him that I would never stay in this moment, in this chapter for too long.  He asked me to promise him that I wouldn’t carry this burden of widowhood for the rest of my life and that I would move forward, and try and find happiness again.  He said that his hope for me was that I would find love again, and the thought of me staying in this moment was something he could not bare.  I remember the mere thought of that at the time felt like a foreign language.  I could not imagine or even grasp the vision of someone else at the time, so I just planted my head into Herb’s chest and cried.

It has been three years since Herb and I had that foggy conversation in my Oregon back yard.  He has continued to call almost every week, and each time I have felt just a little bit better.  Herb is one of the few people in my life that truly understand and live in a reality with me where we never "move on," we simply try and move forward.  We carry the loss and the homesickness for John together in different forms, but I think we both have tried and have even encouraged each other silently over the years to find joy again, for what other choice is there.

Last week, Tristan Borgeson asked me to be his wife.  I came home from a long day of work  to a handsome man, a wonderful meal, flowers, and a beautiful stainless steel wedding ring that Tristan made himself from a bike that belonged to my husband John.  I was so overwhelmed by this incredible gesture, I just sunk into his chest in our kitchen and cried.

It's amazing how something so wonderful, like when a man ask you to marry him, can bring such excitement and joy, yet also a sharp pain in your chest.  I felt as if I was feeling pure excitement and giddy love, yet a sense of loss and chaos simultaneously.

 Tristan has poured nothing but selfless love into me for the last 18 months, why could I not just feel pure happiness towards the fact that I am going to be someones wife again?  Why did my happiness have to be shared with a sense of pain?  I felt somewhat robbed by this experience, for it was different than what I had imagined it would feel like.  These new feelings seemed to lead to guilt, and even anger at myself.  Days later, I even felt angry at John, frustrated by my conflicting pain and joy.

 I stopped referring to myself as a widow a little over a year ago.  I hated the sound of it, and the reactions people would give me, as if the kid gloves needed to immediately come on the moment "widow" was placed beside my name.  I started checking "single" again with all the various forms, I did not feel the need for the W title anymore.  I loved being married when John was alive, and knew I wanted to experience it again with Tristan pretty quickly into our relationship.  So why is it that when  this moment came, I wasn't fully enamored with joy?

I think it is important to be transparent about the feelings that come with new love after abrupt loss, marriage after a lost marriage, because it is real.  I've learned that it can be messy and challenging, it requires deep work and dedication from us both.  It has required so much sacrifice from Tristan.  I've basically asked him to forfeit his ego, and to never allow the fact that I was once a wife to someone else affect him in a way that hurts him or hurts us.  He does it so seamlessly and with no resentment.  I tell him I'm having a rough day, he tells me he loves me no matter what.  I tell a story about John from the past, Tristan listens to me with full attention and laughs when I do.  When I cry for John, Tristan hugs me.  I don't know other men like this.

I look back over my 33 years on earth and can remember different moments throughout my life that have allowed spiritual growth and perseverance to come forward in ways that felt almost super natural to me at the time.  I believe God gives us divine moments in order to touch us and help us grow in ways that would be impossible if we only knew our flesh and blood.  I believe we are presented with different seasons in our lives that require us to act within that period of time in order to move into our next moment.  I can look back to even the smallest moments when I first met my husband John, and can clearly see how those specific times were also leading me to my soon to be husband, Tristan.  I don't believe these are coincidence, I believe each moment is connected and helping each of us accelerate into higher vibrations that bring us closer and closer to God.

So why the tug of war on my heart after such great news?  When Tristan asked me to be his wife, I placed myself back into a previous season in my life that required a different action from me at the time.  Being the widow of John Wilburn has been the most challenging spiritual walk of my life.  It has presented a season in my life that has come with pain I did not know existed within the human body.  That season demanded me to walk alone, find my voice, define who I am, and to share the experience with others.  It has been a season of suffering yes, but also higher vibrations, a deeper sense of my personal spirituality, and most importantly, seeing just how big God is and what he can do in my life.

That season and that time, is not of now.  When we place ourselves into our past moments, our past seasons, we so often miss out on what is happening right now.  We feel things that are not of now, and risk missing out on what God wants for us in the present moment.  I realized over this past week, that God isn't asking me to go back, he's asking me to step into this season right now, and allow myself to feel the joy and pure happiness that has been there all along.  We don't move on, we move forward.

"Instead of your shame, you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion.  Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs."  Isaiah 61:7

I read these words and I just feel so overwhelmed and in awe of where my life has taken me. As I sunk into Tristan's chest, I thought back to that Divine moment with my father-in law, and the words he said to me in the absolute fog of my grief.  And here I was 3 years later, saying yes.  

I have had the honor and pleasure of knowing two great men in my life that have loved me fiercely.  I will always love my husband John and cherish the seasons I had with him, and I will always love my soon to be husband Tristan, and the chance to move forward with him, walk through new seasons with him,and to allow God to bring us into divine moments together.  

Love, Exist, Be.

My husband came to see me in my dreams last night.  It has been over a year since his last visit, and I must say, our encounter was lovely.

I was at what felt like a party at the time.  Maybe a pot luck, people were laughing and catching up.  As I skimmed the room, I suddenly saw John standing in the corner staring at me with a huge smile across his face.  My heart felt like it may explode, I knew it was him so I ran over to him.  He gave me the biggest hug.  I felt his arms around me and the smell of burning wood and sweat.  He looked and felt just as I remembered him, but better.  It was like looking at someone with no flaws, no weight, no pain.  He looked at peace and happy.  I kept saying, "where have you been, I've missed you so much."  He just smiled and took my hands and led me to this bench.  As we sat down, I noticed that he continued to hold both of my hands and continued to just smile at me. I was shocked that no one else seemed to notice that John was back.  It was as if they could not see him.  I kept saying, "everyone, John is back!"  No one even looked at me.  I realized then that only I could see him.

I remember firing off question after question.  “Where have you been this entire time?”  “What is it like where you are now?”  “Are the colors just beautiful like they say?”  “Do you still have your body when you’re not here?”  “Can you become one with things, like flowers, mountains, trees?”  “What purpose do you have now?  What is your job”. What do you do every day?”

John just laughed and laughed at me while shaking his head.  He said to me, “Erin, these things are not for you to understand right now, or contemplate or predict.  They are not for you right now.  You shouldn’t worry, or try to find the answers to things you simply can’t understand or contemplate.  Why must everything have a purpose?  Why must I now have a purpose?  What if the purpose is simply to be, to love, to exist.  You are not here to seek answers to questions you cannot comprehend. You are here to love, to exist, to just be.”

As he said these things to me, he continued to smile and glow.  He looked so good, just at complete peace.  He laughed at my constant questions and shook his head with a big smile and once again said, “Don’t you worry about these things Erin, you’ll understand one day, and it will be ok.”

He told me that he had to go.  I said, “I have one more question for you.  Will you please come and see me from time to time, even into old age?  Will you see those that need you the most?”  John looked at me and said, “I am much closer than it may be seem, and I will always come and see you.  Now go, love, and just be.”

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him.  He was warm against my chest.  I looked up again and he began to fade away.  The last thing I remember was his smile that seemed to turn into a warm mist. 

The moment I woke up I knew we had spoken.  It was the same feeling I had the first time John came to see me after his death.  When you know you’ve had more than just a blurry dream.  This felt like a message for those of us that are still here.  I woke Tristan up immediately to tell him what had happened.  He encouraged me to write about it so it remains clear to me, so I did.

I’ve only seen John three times since his death in my dreams.  I cherish those encounters like fine gold.  It is all that is left.  I think we as humans tend to over complicate things.  We need an answer, a purpose for everything.  As life moves forward and I continue to wake up every morning to another day, I am realizing more and more that God is so big and he wants to take care of us every day, bless us beyond anything we can imagine.

I thought about what John said to me, “You are here to love, to exist, to just be.”  Maybe it really is that simple.

I miss my husband every day. But, these precious encounters are a wonderful reminder that he truly is OK, that we really all are OK.  Life continues after life, and while many of us have found ourselves separated too soon from those that go before us, we’re not really all that far away.  So for now, simply love, simply exist, and simply be.  The rest isn't for us right now, but we'll get it one day.

Dear John

"Actually, the best gift you could have given her was a lifetime of adventures."  Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

                                                                                   Photo by Hootie Boucher
                                             
Dear John,

I finally found you among the most beautiful river this past week.  I’ve been searching for even the smallest glimpses of you for the past few years.   I look for you on every river, every trail, the trees and mountains, through music and good recipes, in my dreams, in those that knew you so well and even those that never did.   I seem to always come up empty handed,  wondering so desperately where your spirit is in each moment that passes, what purpose you now serve, and if you remember your life here.   Even now, do you ever find yourself  feeling disabled the way that I still do, as if you are missing a limb or a lung?  I would hope that the soul feels no pain, no regrets, yet the human side of me would rather you carry this burden with me.  

I finally returned to Southern Oregon this past week for a four day self-support trip down the Wild and Scenic section of the Rogue river.  It was a few years ago that I left our life behind and fled, and I have to tell you, it is the one place I’ve avoided since you left this world.  This place we once called home is still so incredibly beautiful, yet can have a way of placing a weight so heavy on my chest I feel as if I can’t breathe at times, so I’ve stayed away for years.  Southern Oregon reminds me that it wasn’t so long ago that you were very much real, that I was once a wife, and our life was just beginning in a new town with new friends and new adventures.  So I returned to this past life this week feeling anxious and vulnerable, for there were no distractions from what once was, and I knew I had to sit with that for the first time in a long time.  I felt small pings in my chest as we flew over Mt. Shasta, and the endless Douglas firs that appeared below the clouds.  I knew immediately you were here. 

You were so present on the river that I felt speechless at times.  Everything about who you were and what you stood for I saw and felt in the current, each rapid, even in the explosions of unpredictable boils among the canyon that sent me into out of control spins.  It was high water on the Rogue.  I knew you felt my anxiousness and the fear in my chest when you appeared at the bottom of each rapid, reminding me that “this is IT Erin, the only thing that can stop you from conquering each move through each rapid is yourself.”  So I tried hard to embrace the current, let it have its way with me, and let go of this need to control everything.  I pictured you up ahead through each rapid, making each move look so easy.  I remembered what it felt like to follow your orange boat and the trust I always put in you with each run.  You were with me.

 The scenery and wild life made constant statements to me that we’ve made this world way too complicated.  We’re so caught up in what is happening next that we can’t see God’s manifestation in everything all around us.  We seem to miss the fact that our creator wants to bless us in every moment, but we limit this incredible love with our own blindness.  We can’t hear these small miracles happening all around us because our eyes are so far ahead.  We don’t know how to unplug and let go of our obsession with technology, social media, other people’s lives.  We struggle to sit with ourselves and listen. You reminded me this past week that you never lived this way, and while it may never have been spoken between us, I now know that you saw God everywhere.  You took one day at a time, you stayed present when I did not.  You saw and heard the things I could not because I was caught up in total distraction.  I believe I saw for the first time this past week what you were always able to see and it was beautiful.  You allowed me to see the world around me through your eyes this week, and it became so much more clear than what I saw with mine.

Everything I needed was found in a family of friends, my kayak, a tent and a good book.  I became a part of a river family that worked together every day to move safely down the river together and live each day within a community among the river banks.  We unloaded, set-up camp, cooked food, and re-loaded together every day as a team.  There were no other distractions or agendas we had to follow.   I laughed my ass off and learned how to let go again and be silly.  I got to be a kid again.  It was so simple.  We all unplugged together.

I saw you in all of these people every day and the way they choose to live.  You told me to really look at these individuals and let them be an example to me.  I think for the first time I really understood what you wanted all along for us, why you chose this unique place for us to move to together.  You and your way of life was everywhere along the beautiful Rogue and I felt so grateful to spend this time with you, remembering you and honoring the man that you were and the evident energy I know in my heart you now carry. 

You demanded my presence and respect this week for how precious life is, and how temporarily we are here.  I looked hard at my own life and reflected on just how big God is and how much I have to be grateful for.  While re-visiting our past, I missed Tristan more than I ever have and the life I now have with him.  I felt home sick for him.  It became even more apparent while searching for glimpses of you that Tristan’s love is so huge and so giving and so pure.  Over time, his kindness and patience has healed my broken heart in ways I never thought were possible.  I felt as if you were reminding me that this love is here right now in the present, and somehow through the pain I’ve carried over the years,  this love happened to still find me, and it was always supposed to.  He will never be you, and you will never be him, but what confluences all of us together is simply love.  I think you've wanted me to see this all along.  

During my time on the Rogue, you asked me to recognize this love, acknowledge it's rareness and respect my life right now with Tristan, for it is withering just like we were.  You once again reminded me to stay present and participate in this love that is so alive, for it could be gone at any moment.  You helped me to see that deeper courage comes from allowing the heart to love without limitations and comparisons.  Deeper courage comes from allowing new love in regardless of the pain, instead of staying stuck in a past that is dead.  I now see this more clearly.

I and others carried what is left of the physical presence of you this week every day, searching for just the right place to let you go.  We held you together and embraced each other as we let you go over the beautiful clear water fall that merges with the powerful Rogue river.  The roaring sound of the water fall as you dropped over it’s edges reminded me that you are no longer imprisoned in your flesh or limited by your body.  I believe you can do anything now.  I recognized in that moment that it is not your purpose to constantly  remember this life time with me, for these are feelings of the flesh, not the soul.  Your purpose is far beyond that.  I have to believe that others that choose to embark on this trip away from the distraction and chaos of this world will always be affected by your energy out there.  This energy will make others better, it will make our world better.

You belong in Southern Oregon my love, and I truly believe it's where your spirit now ventures.  It is where you were the happiest and best version of yourself and I will always be so grateful that you found such a wonderful spot to rest and radiate such incredible love and energy to others.  I am so grateful for the time I was able to spend with you on this trip, and for the knowledge you revealed to me during my time on the river.

So to you dear John, thank you for visiting me along the beautiful Rogue and reminding me that your love is not gone, and you have not forgotten those of us that look for you everywhere.  In fact it is just the opposite.  Your adventurous spirit demands our presence and respect for these beautiful rare places.  It is in these places that we find you and experience and remember everything you were and are now.

I return to my current life a little more clear of my intentions in this world, and a better appreciation and respect for the few places left in our world that allow us to adventure, explore, and completely unplug.  

Thank you John.

I love you always and forever,

Erin.

Unchaining God

"If you do not find God in the next person you meet, it is a waste of time looking for him further."  Mahatma Gandhi

I was told to close my eyes and to simply listen to her voice.  She asked me to describe my last delicious meal, how I felt, who it was with, what it was. I talked about the Mexican dish I made Tristan a few nights before and the mixture of salsa I threw together, yet it somehow tasted delicious. I told her I felt tired, accomplished with the day, at peace in my new home and happy to be with Tristan.   She then told me to think about the most peaceful place on earth.  Picture this place in my mind and go there.  I immediately pictured the gorge, and the overlook I enjoy sitting on in my neighborhood.  I felt myself sitting on the cold stone, I saw the river below, the bridge, the sound of the trees.  She told me to picture a heavy fog slowly drifting over the rim.  Picture everything being engulfed in this fog and to allow myself to be taken with the mist.  I felt myself slowly fading with the fog and drifting further and further away from my sitting spot.  She told me we were traveling to another time, another place.  She told me to allow myself to go somewhere else, find that memory.  She told me that my body was coming back to one, to feel my arms and legs.  She told me as the fog clears to look down at my feet, to look at myself and my surroundings, and tell her about it.

I saw tan feet, laced in sandals.  I seemed to be dressed in some kind of wrapped cloth.  I was standing by a river, facing a vast array of mountains.  I couldn’t seem to identify my face, I believe I was female.  I was collecting water.  I saw a village, large tents, people working together, preparing what seemed to be a big meal.  I sensed community, a large family.  I sensed I had a role here that mattered.  This dinner led to what looked like a wedding.  A celebration.  She looked so happy, fulfilled.  I felt proud of her, I sensed she was my child, now a woman choosing love.  I was so happy for her.  This was a beautiful day. 

She told me to go to my death, go to my last day in this life.  I was lying down, there were many present, what seemed like family.  My chest felt very heavy, tight, coughing. I sensed someone right by my side.  Other’s were smiling.   She asked me what I learned from this life, who did I need to forgive, who needed to forgive me?  I felt as if nothing was unresolved, all I sensed was love, community, family.  It was not a hard life from what I could tell, it was quite simple actually.  My heart felt big. 

She then told me to allow someone to come forward that I love deeply, who do I see.  I instantly saw John.  She asked where I was.  I sensed on the river.  I was following him.  We weren’t  talking, I was simply following him, trying to mimic his moves.  Every so often he would turn around and look at me.  It felt like a reassurance.  I felt safe, a sense of calm.  Complete security.  She asked me to go to the next significant event.  I immediately saw his death.  I could literally see every event of that 24 hour period as if it was yesterday.  The calmness was suddenly gone, and every emotion and reaction came forward.  I felt things I have not felt in a long time, total panic.  

She then told me to go forward and see John now.  I saw him directly in front of me.  It was as if we were floating in space.  She told me to acknowledge his love and let it take over.  I looked at him and felt the warmth between us.  I saw his smile, he looked healthy and vibrant.   She told me to give my love back to him, let it move from me to him, allow him to acknowledge this love.  She told me to forgive myself while with him in this moment.  She told me to forgive him, release the regret and anger of choices made that day.  See him now for what he is.  I sobbed through this unique interaction, it felt as if my heart was exploding again. 

 She asked me to acknowledge the irreversible bond between us, to recognize this eternal love, to physically see the light between us.   She reminded me again of eternal love, to always remember the acknowledgement of that love within me.  She then told me to let him go, for he still had purpose, I still had purpose, and both of us had to go forward now.  I sat in this vision for a while longer until I felt ready.    I then saw John fading, still smiling, but fading into what looked like a mist.  I sensed in this moment that he had purpose, as if he was busy, with work to do, yet not too far from me.  I did not sense death anymore. 

This experience was completely bizarre, stressful, yet also healing and lovely at the same time.  I found it hard to really let go and allow these thoughts to come forward with this guide.  I don't know why I saw this particular life of the woman by the river, and why this life, her life was so simple.  Maybe it was a reminder that not every life presents heart ache, that some lives can simply be good and we don't always have to expect the worst.  We can allow ourselves to be happy.  I became intrigued with past life experiences after losing John.  This interest only grew over time until  I finally decided to go through it myself.  I can't truly say if it was real or not.  I can only speak of what I saw, what I felt during this session and how it affected me.

For over 2 years, I've been asking myself two questions.  What purpose did John's death serve?  Why am I still here?  I think deep grief can cause us to really question what the point of all of this is.  Grief demands questions that many times cannot be answered.  Many want a cure for the pain, a magic formula that stops the deep chest ache.  I am starting to feel that the cure lies within our ability to open our minds, to consider everything that could be, and to stop compartmentalizing God.  

I am starting to feel strongly that John's death sparked a curiosity in me that I could not ignore.  This curiosity has led me to enlightenment, a new perspective on the world we live in and why we are here.  I believe I am experiencing a spiritual shift, an awakening that was not there before.   I believe his death is the reason I am just now starting to understand how big God is and how endless this love is for human kind. 

I do not believe Religion is necessary to know God.  I love the bible.  I believe the messages in scripture can be life changing, but I believe God can connect with anyone regardless of what they have or have not read.  I believe God is bigger than the Bible, the Tripitaka, the Torah.  I believe God loves people from all religions, all back grounds and perspectives.  I believe this love is always available to us, yet so many of us don't love ourselves, so we essentially can't love God when this happens.  I believe that hell is merely the experience of suffering on earth, a cycle of karma that we can get stuck in when we refuse to consider more than what we were simply told, when we don't self-reflect, when we don't love ourselves.  I believe we have many lives to experience and each life presents it's own challenges, it's own lessons.  I believe each lesson we learn draws us closer to God.  I believe our bodies are simply a vessel for our soul when we are here, and the soul never dies.   I do not believe you burn in a raging fire for eternity if you make a terrible mistake.  I truly believe God is love and love only.  I believe we lose our sense of God when we allow ourselves to feel hate, resentment, judgment towards others.  These feelings instill fear and as Jesus said himself, there is no fear in love, yet perfect love drives out fear.   We create our own hell when we don't choose love.

I want more love, less hate, less anger, less judgement, fewer categories.   I want more Jesus, less Religion.  I want God for everyone from all backgrounds, not just one group of people.  

I was hesitant to write about my experience, about this shift in my heart.  Yet, I feel that asking questions and considering more saved me, and allowed me to move forward.  I think those going through deep grief, unresolved pain can truly cure themselves when they consider a love that has no end, no limits, no loop holes.   Unchaining God let this love grow so deep within me, I feel as if I can notice it everywhere now. 

In the Midst of Hell, Where is God?

There were about 40 of our closest friends and family present for my wedding day on July 28th, 2012.  We all gathered in my parents front yard.  I forgot my flowers and switched shoes with our officiant about 5 minutes before the ceremony.  People drank beers while we said our vows to each other, and about an hour after the ceremony John and I jumped in the pool and remained there the rest of the evening.  It was perfect, hilarious, fun, and everything I could have wanted in a wedding that day.

Marriage is one of the most beautiful things I've ever done with my life.  It has taken me a while to really see July 28th as a beautiful memory and find the strength to only reflect on that, not the loss.  My heart goes out to widows and widowers that have to walk through that mile stone each year, for it is one of the hardest one's to face for someone who has lost their spouse.

 Last year on July 28th, my wonderful mom drove up to Fayetteville to spend the day with me.  I had been living in the New River Gorge for about a year at this point and felt drawn to finding a permanent home for myself.  I moved into my adorable rental home in Fayetteville after leaving Oregon with about 100 items that were once John's that ended up displayed throughout my house. I remember at the time I even had my buddy Harrison unpack John's clothes into a closet.   It sounds nuts, but I think the mind can do some crazy things in the midst of grief.   While the presence of these material ghost were so comforting at first, this became more of a weight as months went by.  A constant reminder that they were not in use anymore and he was not returning no matter how many pictures I displayed or shirts I hung up.  Someone once told me that at some point after losing my spouse, I would have to find a way to put John in his place.  I did not understand this until I realized the denial I was living in, immersed in his belongings and trying to create the image of a life that did not exist anymore.

 There is something so peaceful about standing in the depths of the woods in silence.  I found an acre that was for sale that day and stood among the trees with my mom.  I remember standing there and just feeling this warm feeling wash over me.  It's like if the trees could talk they would have said, "Here I am, I've been here waiting for you all along."  I had no clue what building your own home entailed and what it would take to complete such a project, but the feelings I had that day I couldn't ignore.  I felt like a magnet to these woods and envisioned a simple home right in the middle of it.

 I met with a contractor a few days later, and we broke ground at the end of August 2015.

 My contractor Mike and I have been a pretty solid match from the start.  Not only is he fantastic at what he does, but he also spends a lot of his time volunteering for search and rescue in West Virginia.  I have a feeling he has seen it all.  When multiple homes were flooded throughout southern West Virginia, Mike worked endless hours helping rescue people from their homes.  I told Mike about John and what happened to him, what life had been like since his death, leaving us now standing among the woods together looking at a blue print.

Mike and his team have been building my home for 11 months now.  I've spent 11 months picking out everything from paint colors to faucet heads to light fixtures.  It's crazy to envision something and then actually see the physical come together.   I think Mike somehow just understood what I needed and that this house was more than just a house.  It became a major part of my healing process and an outlet for my pain.  Building this house became a vision of strength for me, an act of moving forward and speaking truth to the life I still want.

With each phase of this house, I became stronger.  I learned how to have vision, how to speak to it.  I started to take back my life, to embrace what is still here right now in the present.  I stopped living in my past among my material ghosts.  During these 11 months I met a man that tells me I am beautiful and loved every day, even at my worst moments.  I never thought that was possible.  This house became a representation of new love that totally caught me by surprise.

It is hard to wrap my brain around the continuous evil in this world.  It is everywhere right now.  I don't know why innocent people suffer, why loved ones are killed, and what drives people to cause harm to others.  I don't know why natural disaster happens to some and not others.   I don't know why John died at age 30 or what purpose it served.   I have no answers for his death and the hundreds of others who have left this world too soon.  I've had people ask me, where is God in this?  What kind of God allows this to happen?  How can you believe in a loving God when you see what is happening throughout this world, when you think of what happened to John?

Where is God in the midst of hell on earth?  How close is God to all of this pain and suffering?  Is the continued violence and hate a representation of our distance from God?  These are all questions I've asked myself throughout the last few years.  I don't have the exact answers for anyone, none of us really will until we aren't here anymore.

I lost my husband.  He was only 30, we were newly weds, and it was the first time in my life that I found myself in my own personal hell.  Words can't describe the pain that came with John's death, so when I think of the constant violence around our world and how bad it can really get, I really have no words for what people are going through.  

I believe that God is here.  I believe God is centered in the midst of all the horrible stuff happening everywhere and still loving the people of this world.  I believe God weeps for those that are hurting, those that are hurting others.  I believe we are granted free will every day to do and choose as we wish which to me is incredible.   It must take unimaginable discipline to have unconditional love for the people of this world, but give us the freedom to go down a path that is only going to cause immense pain.  I believe God places the right direction in our hearts, but we let the chaos of this world get the best of us a lot and choose other paths.  We let our bitterness, resentment and rage pull us so far away from God.  When we find ourselves in the middle of our own hell, it's so hard to see through it, to see what could be in the future.  I believe we are human and God understands this.  I believe we need to find more moments of silence, away from the constant distractions of this world to try and listen for that direction.  We need the silence to see the constant miracles all around us and the beauty that is still here, even in the middle of our pain.

 I do not believe my life is a coincidence or that things happen by chance.  I have favor in my life that I can't explain, doors that have opened that make no sense.  I've been given breaks that I didn't deserve.

I stand in the woods that surround my new home and look back at the last almost 2 1/2 years of life since John.  I am so overwhelmed with blessings and favor and joy.  God is so present in these woods.  John's love is here in these woods, in this home.  In the midst of my hell, God has been here the entire time.  In my own rage, my own resentment, in the pain of my body, I haven't always seen this light. It doesn't mean it wasn't there.  I just didn't tap into it.   This beautiful home in the woods is one of many representations of that light.  I hope others that find themselves in their own hell , in their own humility remember that God is still here.  This light, this love has been here all along.  It is the most consistent love we've been given as humans.  Having faith in that and trusting that in the midst of your pain sparks sufficient grace, new joy, new direction, new perspective.  I am a walking testimony of this.

I am so grateful to Mike Gray and his team for helping my vision come to life and exposing that incredible light in the midst of my hell.  Building this home in the woods helped me heal more than they will ever know.   I won't forget that.

Restoring Double

"Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion.  Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, everlasting joy will be theirs."  Isaiah 61:7

  My thoughts led to these words the other day while on a quiet hike with my dogs. Grace,  mercy,  restoration, peace, light, joy, wisdom, elevation, forgiveness, consciousness, soul mate, soul recognition, knowledge, reincarnation, God.   As I walked in the misty rain, I smiled at the recognition that the heart can grow bigger.  It can create new space that can blend just perfectly with both the past and present.

I admit that I never believed this before.  Being married to John felt like a heart explosion.  It felt as if his heart beat for both of us.  I identified my marriage as my soul recognition of love and all it entailed.   My past, present and my future were all completely wrapped in this union with him. I knew nothing beyond that.  I am a believer that the physical heart can recognize and react to deep physical pain, and incredible joy.  One can physically feel the effects of deep grief, and the result of great happiness.  Our hearts are incredible machines and we can feel it all.

It has been over 2 years since losing my husband.  There isn't a day that passes where my heart doesn't ache and miss him deeply.  I see pictures like this and feel sometimes like the wind has been knocked out of me.  He was so young and so vibrant and I can't help but wonder where life would have taken him if he was still here.

                                                 

  Loss this big is with you forever.  The ache never leaves and it must be managed daily. I believe that some people walk through this kind of pain more seamlessly than others because of a willingness to live presently and the recognition of how big God really is.  I believe that the choice to consider this bigger picture leads to peace, new joy, a higher level of consciousness.                                            

I've seen some wear John's death like a black shawl.  His death infused in them so deeply that they have spiraled into a place that is so dark with no hope and no love.   The ability to love themselves seizes. We can only grow and heal if we want to, if we choose to, if we ask.  I believe some would rather sit in their grief until their last breath then choose the harder path of considering a bigger picture and purpose.  Considering how John lived and what truly honors the life he had and our role in that now, while we are still here.  All they know is their physical pain, they can't see beyond it, maybe they don't want to.

"Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."  Zechariah 9:12

 I am 32 years old, and I think I am just now really starting to understand how big God really is.  How endless this love is and how there is nothing in the world that can separate us from this kind of love.  Nothing.  God mentions over 10 times throughout scripture that he will restore double to those that have suffered yet turn to him.  These testimonies are stories of loss, incredible pain, brokenness, all turned to joy with trust in a bigger picture, restored double for what was lost.

"The Lord restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the Lord increased all that Job had twofold."  Job 42:10

I look at Tristan every morning and feel once again that my heart may explode.  I feel as if love just radiates throughout Tristan, and I feel God's love whenever I am with him. I feel restoration, peace, forgiveness, joy.  I believe in soul recognition and that certain hearts are simply drawn to one another because this isn't our first rodeo.  I feel as if I've known Tristan for years the same way I felt as if I had known John when we met.

God shows me through Tristan that the heart can grow bigger, the heart can love again.  That each love is different, yet can be just as powerful.   I look at Tristan and see this incredible heart that seems to love me no matter what.  He brings out new strengths, new perspective, a new level of consciousness that leads to a higher knowledge of God.  When he really looks at me, I almost feel as if I can see my husband through him.  This recognition and reminder that I am a woman to be loved and to never forget that.

Two weeks before John passed, he looked at me one night over dinner and said, "Erin, you realize that you are capable of loving more than one person.  The heart is capable of many great loves."  It was so odd to me at the time that he said this to me.  I think about those words now and my mind is blown.  I look at Tristan and I remember those words.

I look at Tristan, I walk quietly in the woods, I see a house being built, a career growing, my family and friends, this unexplainable stability, and I feel the incredible love of my husband and the unconditional endless love of God.

I believe we have been here before, and we will be here again.  I believe we are here to learn, to serve, to forgive and love, and to recognize the importance of the presence.  I believe the soul is timeless and eternal.  I believe that only in the flesh can we harbor hate, grudges, the inability to forgive, rage.  Yet if we can choose to consider what is beyond us, if we can reach this new level of consciousness, this recognition of our creator and how big that love really is, we can truly see our purpose.

I believe within these choices, we feel God's love, we gain double restoration.

My First Tattoo

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, it’s jealousy unyielding to the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.  Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.  If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would utterly be scorned.”  Song of Songs 8:6-7

I got my first tattoo about a month ago in Richmond, Virginia.  About a year after John died I decided I wanted a particular design that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.  I asked my sister Lizzie to design it.  The first drawing she gave to me I knew immediately I wanted it for life.  Right around the two year anniversary of John's death, Lizzie, Luke and I made our way to Loose Screw Tattoo in trendy Cary town where one very talented tattoo artist drew a beautiful heron on my back with the saying below:  “Raya, Ahava, Dod.”

 I started seeing blue herons shortly after John died.  It’s not that I didn’t see them before, but the way I saw these beautiful birds was noticeably different after March 9^th.  The first time I got back into my kayak and paddled the Rogue river with my buddy Lisa, a beautiful heron followed us the entire stretch of the river.  It’s hard for me to explain, but I had a deep feeling that day that John was there, letting his presence be known through this beautiful bird.  As time passed, it seemed that during some of my darkest moments I would see a heron and each time a sense of peace would wash over me.  I’ve heard of this happening to others who have lost loved ones.  Some saw deer, some saw rainbows, heart shaped rocks, feathers.  Regardless of what truly happens after we are gone, I believe that energy doesn't die, and energy can be seen and expressed through many forms.  While we can’t prove the significance of these appearances, we can simply feel it and trust that there is so much more  beyond our present existence. 

According to the Native American culture, if you read about the blue heron, heron’s represent self reliance and self determination. Heron’s represent  the ability to progress and evolve.  The tall skinny legs show us that one doesn’t need strong pillars to stand independently, but every individual in this world must be able to stand on their own two feet.  It’s interesting to me that I started seeing heron’s after John died, for he always pushed me to do things myself and not always rely on him for help.

Over the last two years, I've come to understand that the best marriage is one where two people recognize that love for one’s self, love for our individual purpose in this world, love for our creator is what leads to deep incredible love for each other.  It is the recognition that our time here is temporary, so choosing to stay present with each other, and respecting each other’s individual purpose in this world brings out a wonderful partnership.  If we can’t stand on our own feet and love ourselves and who we really are separate from our spouse, we develop co-dependency.  We identify ourselves solely in our partner which leads to idolization of our loved one and placing them above all.  “I wouldn’t be able to live without you.”  “You are my heart.” “You complete me.”  “I’ve lost myself in you.”   I’ve heard these statements from so many throughout my life, from myself as well.  This is dangerous for putting this kind of pressure and reliance on the flesh is impossible.  

I believe I could have been a better wife had I understood what it meant to choose self-love first.   I could have loved John even more than I already did.  Seeing these beautiful herons and reflecting on what they represent has led me to truly reflect on where we could have been better as a team.  Where I could have encouraged this individual purpose in him.  I believe I chose full reliance on him for my own happiness instead of independent love for myself.  I understand this now.  The heron on my back is a reminder to remember our marriage both for better and for worse.  The heron reminds me to stand on my own two feet and to always remember my individual purpose in this world and love for myself and my creator  first so I can be a great partner to someone else.   The heron reminds me of John's self-drive and determination and his belief in me to be a strong woman that can stand independently from him, yet still love him fiercely.  

The saying below the heron is this:  "Raya, Ahava, Dod."  These three words represent the three Hebrew words for love.  My favorite scripture throughout the bible comes from Song of Songs.  It’s nothing like anything else in the bible.  It’s like reading beautiful poetry between two lovers.  It’s a representation of unconditional love between two people.  Song of Songs is where I learned about the trinity of love.  Some refer to this as the three flames of love. 

Raya means Friendship.  This is a friend, a companion, your "soul mate.”  Your spouse is your best friend.  Marriage starts with a deep friendship that only grows over time. 

Ahava means deep affection and commitment.  This is a desire that feels like an explosion in your heart.  A drive to be with a person so much that your heart literally aches with joy.  It is a love that is much more profound than fleeting romantic feelings.  It is a desire that is so strong that it leads people to choose to join their lives together forever.  Ahava is what makes love for each other last through the toughest times.  It is the commitment involved in making a relationship work.  Ahava represents loves as a choice. 

Dod means passion.  These are the romantic feelings, the complete intimacy and magnetic attraction between two people.  The kind of physical contact that can almost feel electrical.  Like you fit perfectly with that other person and your bodies just connect.

These three flames must burn together in a marriage and balance one another.  When these are out of balance or one is missing, you see relationships fail.  While Dod can feel amazing and Dod may be what initially attracts us to someone, two people that only achieve Dod have a relationship that typically fades quickly.  We were not meant to only connect through sex.  The truth, when Raya and Ahava are present in the relationship, the Dod can be mind blowing.  Dod without deeper connection can feel empty.  You can see the other part of this in relationships too.  There are couples that have been together for 30-40 years.  Raya and parts of Ahava are there.  They have known each other for years and are committed to the relationship, but the passion, the Dod is gone.  Two have become roommates over time. 

I believe that marriage is understanding this trinity and it's crucial balance in the days, and hopefully years to come. Every day is a choice to balance these three flames together and to recognize when things are out of balance, choosing to work together through transparency and encouraging self-love in each other so you are the best version of yourselves in the relationship.

These three flames represent what I will always have with John.  These words also speak truth to what I believe in for my future. What I want and believe in for my current relationship.  When two people can achieve this kind of balanced love, it goes far beyond the grave.  Our souls are connected beyond our flesh.  For magnetic energy between two people does not die, it lives on. 

 I love my new body art.  As odd as it may sound, I even loved the physical pain of getting it. It felt as if the pain was a reminder of how far I have come, yet also a reminder to never forget where I came from and how I have been carried.  It reminds me of the gratitude I owe to my creator, my family and friends for continuing to support and love me unconditionally.  It's a statement of respect towards my past and truth towards my future.  It is a representation of my belief that we are all here to love and will continue to love well beyond our flesh, well beyond our grave, so love really is the best choice we can all make.

I don't know if this will be my first and only piece of body art, but regardless I am so happy I now have it and for the experience of getting it.