Restoring Double

"Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion.  Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, everlasting joy will be theirs."  Isaiah 61:7

  My thoughts led to these words the other day while on a quiet hike with my dogs. Grace,  mercy,  restoration, peace, light, joy, wisdom, elevation, forgiveness, consciousness, soul mate, soul recognition, knowledge, reincarnation, God.   As I walked in the misty rain, I smiled at the recognition that the heart can grow bigger.  It can create new space that can blend just perfectly with both the past and present.

I admit that I never believed this before.  Being married to John felt like a heart explosion.  It felt as if his heart beat for both of us.  I identified my marriage as my soul recognition of love and all it entailed.   My past, present and my future were all completely wrapped in this union with him. I knew nothing beyond that.  I am a believer that the physical heart can recognize and react to deep physical pain, and incredible joy.  One can physically feel the effects of deep grief, and the result of great happiness.  Our hearts are incredible machines and we can feel it all.

It has been over 2 years since losing my husband.  There isn't a day that passes where my heart doesn't ache and miss him deeply.  I see pictures like this and feel sometimes like the wind has been knocked out of me.  He was so young and so vibrant and I can't help but wonder where life would have taken him if he was still here.

                                                 

  Loss this big is with you forever.  The ache never leaves and it must be managed daily. I believe that some people walk through this kind of pain more seamlessly than others because of a willingness to live presently and the recognition of how big God really is.  I believe that the choice to consider this bigger picture leads to peace, new joy, a higher level of consciousness.                                            

I've seen some wear John's death like a black shawl.  His death infused in them so deeply that they have spiraled into a place that is so dark with no hope and no love.   The ability to love themselves seizes. We can only grow and heal if we want to, if we choose to, if we ask.  I believe some would rather sit in their grief until their last breath then choose the harder path of considering a bigger picture and purpose.  Considering how John lived and what truly honors the life he had and our role in that now, while we are still here.  All they know is their physical pain, they can't see beyond it, maybe they don't want to.

"Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."  Zechariah 9:12

 I am 32 years old, and I think I am just now really starting to understand how big God really is.  How endless this love is and how there is nothing in the world that can separate us from this kind of love.  Nothing.  God mentions over 10 times throughout scripture that he will restore double to those that have suffered yet turn to him.  These testimonies are stories of loss, incredible pain, brokenness, all turned to joy with trust in a bigger picture, restored double for what was lost.

"The Lord restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the Lord increased all that Job had twofold."  Job 42:10

I look at Tristan every morning and feel once again that my heart may explode.  I feel as if love just radiates throughout Tristan, and I feel God's love whenever I am with him. I feel restoration, peace, forgiveness, joy.  I believe in soul recognition and that certain hearts are simply drawn to one another because this isn't our first rodeo.  I feel as if I've known Tristan for years the same way I felt as if I had known John when we met.

God shows me through Tristan that the heart can grow bigger, the heart can love again.  That each love is different, yet can be just as powerful.   I look at Tristan and see this incredible heart that seems to love me no matter what.  He brings out new strengths, new perspective, a new level of consciousness that leads to a higher knowledge of God.  When he really looks at me, I almost feel as if I can see my husband through him.  This recognition and reminder that I am a woman to be loved and to never forget that.

Two weeks before John passed, he looked at me one night over dinner and said, "Erin, you realize that you are capable of loving more than one person.  The heart is capable of many great loves."  It was so odd to me at the time that he said this to me.  I think about those words now and my mind is blown.  I look at Tristan and I remember those words.

I look at Tristan, I walk quietly in the woods, I see a house being built, a career growing, my family and friends, this unexplainable stability, and I feel the incredible love of my husband and the unconditional endless love of God.

I believe we have been here before, and we will be here again.  I believe we are here to learn, to serve, to forgive and love, and to recognize the importance of the presence.  I believe the soul is timeless and eternal.  I believe that only in the flesh can we harbor hate, grudges, the inability to forgive, rage.  Yet if we can choose to consider what is beyond us, if we can reach this new level of consciousness, this recognition of our creator and how big that love really is, we can truly see our purpose.

I believe within these choices, we feel God's love, we gain double restoration.

My First Tattoo

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, it’s jealousy unyielding to the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.  Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.  If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would utterly be scorned.”  Song of Songs 8:6-7

I got my first tattoo about a month ago in Richmond, Virginia.  About a year after John died I decided I wanted a particular design that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.  I asked my sister Lizzie to design it.  The first drawing she gave to me I knew immediately I wanted it for life.  Right around the two year anniversary of John's death, Lizzie, Luke and I made our way to Loose Screw Tattoo in trendy Cary town where one very talented tattoo artist drew a beautiful heron on my back with the saying below:  “Raya, Ahava, Dod.”

 I started seeing blue herons shortly after John died.  It’s not that I didn’t see them before, but the way I saw these beautiful birds was noticeably different after March 9^th.  The first time I got back into my kayak and paddled the Rogue river with my buddy Lisa, a beautiful heron followed us the entire stretch of the river.  It’s hard for me to explain, but I had a deep feeling that day that John was there, letting his presence be known through this beautiful bird.  As time passed, it seemed that during some of my darkest moments I would see a heron and each time a sense of peace would wash over me.  I’ve heard of this happening to others who have lost loved ones.  Some saw deer, some saw rainbows, heart shaped rocks, feathers.  Regardless of what truly happens after we are gone, I believe that energy doesn't die, and energy can be seen and expressed through many forms.  While we can’t prove the significance of these appearances, we can simply feel it and trust that there is so much more  beyond our present existence. 

According to the Native American culture, if you read about the blue heron, heron’s represent self reliance and self determination. Heron’s represent  the ability to progress and evolve.  The tall skinny legs show us that one doesn’t need strong pillars to stand independently, but every individual in this world must be able to stand on their own two feet.  It’s interesting to me that I started seeing heron’s after John died, for he always pushed me to do things myself and not always rely on him for help.

Over the last two years, I've come to understand that the best marriage is one where two people recognize that love for one’s self, love for our individual purpose in this world, love for our creator is what leads to deep incredible love for each other.  It is the recognition that our time here is temporary, so choosing to stay present with each other, and respecting each other’s individual purpose in this world brings out a wonderful partnership.  If we can’t stand on our own feet and love ourselves and who we really are separate from our spouse, we develop co-dependency.  We identify ourselves solely in our partner which leads to idolization of our loved one and placing them above all.  “I wouldn’t be able to live without you.”  “You are my heart.” “You complete me.”  “I’ve lost myself in you.”   I’ve heard these statements from so many throughout my life, from myself as well.  This is dangerous for putting this kind of pressure and reliance on the flesh is impossible.  

I believe I could have been a better wife had I understood what it meant to choose self-love first.   I could have loved John even more than I already did.  Seeing these beautiful herons and reflecting on what they represent has led me to truly reflect on where we could have been better as a team.  Where I could have encouraged this individual purpose in him.  I believe I chose full reliance on him for my own happiness instead of independent love for myself.  I understand this now.  The heron on my back is a reminder to remember our marriage both for better and for worse.  The heron reminds me to stand on my own two feet and to always remember my individual purpose in this world and love for myself and my creator  first so I can be a great partner to someone else.   The heron reminds me of John's self-drive and determination and his belief in me to be a strong woman that can stand independently from him, yet still love him fiercely.  

The saying below the heron is this:  "Raya, Ahava, Dod."  These three words represent the three Hebrew words for love.  My favorite scripture throughout the bible comes from Song of Songs.  It’s nothing like anything else in the bible.  It’s like reading beautiful poetry between two lovers.  It’s a representation of unconditional love between two people.  Song of Songs is where I learned about the trinity of love.  Some refer to this as the three flames of love. 

Raya means Friendship.  This is a friend, a companion, your "soul mate.”  Your spouse is your best friend.  Marriage starts with a deep friendship that only grows over time. 

Ahava means deep affection and commitment.  This is a desire that feels like an explosion in your heart.  A drive to be with a person so much that your heart literally aches with joy.  It is a love that is much more profound than fleeting romantic feelings.  It is a desire that is so strong that it leads people to choose to join their lives together forever.  Ahava is what makes love for each other last through the toughest times.  It is the commitment involved in making a relationship work.  Ahava represents loves as a choice. 

Dod means passion.  These are the romantic feelings, the complete intimacy and magnetic attraction between two people.  The kind of physical contact that can almost feel electrical.  Like you fit perfectly with that other person and your bodies just connect.

These three flames must burn together in a marriage and balance one another.  When these are out of balance or one is missing, you see relationships fail.  While Dod can feel amazing and Dod may be what initially attracts us to someone, two people that only achieve Dod have a relationship that typically fades quickly.  We were not meant to only connect through sex.  The truth, when Raya and Ahava are present in the relationship, the Dod can be mind blowing.  Dod without deeper connection can feel empty.  You can see the other part of this in relationships too.  There are couples that have been together for 30-40 years.  Raya and parts of Ahava are there.  They have known each other for years and are committed to the relationship, but the passion, the Dod is gone.  Two have become roommates over time. 

I believe that marriage is understanding this trinity and it's crucial balance in the days, and hopefully years to come. Every day is a choice to balance these three flames together and to recognize when things are out of balance, choosing to work together through transparency and encouraging self-love in each other so you are the best version of yourselves in the relationship.

These three flames represent what I will always have with John.  These words also speak truth to what I believe in for my future. What I want and believe in for my current relationship.  When two people can achieve this kind of balanced love, it goes far beyond the grave.  Our souls are connected beyond our flesh.  For magnetic energy between two people does not die, it lives on. 

 I love my new body art.  As odd as it may sound, I even loved the physical pain of getting it. It felt as if the pain was a reminder of how far I have come, yet also a reminder to never forget where I came from and how I have been carried.  It reminds me of the gratitude I owe to my creator, my family and friends for continuing to support and love me unconditionally.  It's a statement of respect towards my past and truth towards my future.  It is a representation of my belief that we are all here to love and will continue to love well beyond our flesh, well beyond our grave, so love really is the best choice we can all make.

I don't know if this will be my first and only piece of body art, but regardless I am so happy I now have it and for the experience of getting it.

All That Is Left

"I have dreams where our souls dance with our silhouettes and the only light that exists is the reflection of the moon across the sea.  I have dreams where it is just you and me and we are infinite, and we are careless, and we are brave as the waves crash like burning ashes against our tired feet."  Christopher Poindexter

 We live in a broken world.  I often feel imprisoned in my own flesh.  A body that grows older each day, new pains, new marks.  I believe that is why it is only temporary.  I thank God every day for that.  I believe this world is made for our souls to grow. I believe we choose to come here to learn, teach, serve our purpose, and then go home to our creator.  John taught me so much in our time together.   He was one of the few people I knew who was cut off from social media and most technology.  His world consisted of the trees, the rivers, his guitar and old books.  He owned a flip phone for emergency use only.  I knew no one like him, yet I felt so drawn to his energy.  This was a curiosity that continued to grow even after his death.  

Did he truly serve his purpose?  I am sure many have wondered how a young man who was just starting his life could have completed everything he was meant to come here for.  I've had some tell me, "What a waste."  Was it though?  His impact on this world was pretty significant for such a young man, effecting so many people who are still here.  Did he choose this life?  This is something I ask myself every day, yet it seems to be the only way I can justify his death.  

In three days, it will be  March 9th.  It will mark 2 years since John lost his life that day on the Smith River.  I haven't been myself for the last few weeks.  I feel sleep deprived, my chest is tight, my headaches are back.  I feel agitated and cranky, as if I am on the verge of snapping.  The month of March seems to turn me into someone I am not so fond of.  She takes over and suddenly, I don't feel as light or joyful anymore.  It felt as if the world had stopped turning that day.  I remember everything.  Every detail, every feeling, and the desperation that seemed to suffocate me as each hour passed.  It became a living nightmare within minutes.  

When we lose someone so close to us, we are forced to walk through mile stones in the years to come.  Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, holidays.  I have been able to look back during many mile stones throughout the last 2 years and remember something beautiful.  These memories are ingrained in me, and I sometimes speak of them as if he is still here.  Maybe it is easier that way.  March 9th is a  mile stone that has no beauty, no hope, yet I and many others are still forced to walk through it every year and remember.

These physical reactions to me, are not of God.  Reliving someone's death over and over again truly gets you no where.  I have found that if anything, I push God out during these times and I let the darkness take over.  This leads to anger, regret, resentment towards others.  I let myself become a victim of this loss.  I lash out at others, people I care about.  Nothing good comes from that.  I've learned this lesson a few times over the last 2 years, and I am sure I will continue to battle this darkness in the days to come.  I've learned to recognize when my mind and heart go there, acknowledge it and try and change direction.  For what other choice is there?  Rage and anger don't bring them back.

We live in a world full of judgement, stress, hatred, fighting.  There are times I feel as if the choice to love has been cast aside.  It's amazing to me what can ruin a person's day.  Traffic, waiting on food, a flight cancellation, the wrong paint color.  The list goes on and on.  I see couples snap at each other and pick each other apart.  Two people together yet not engaged at all, glued to a phone.  It makes me cringe every time.  I often wonder if they even know what they have.

All that is left are bone fragments and ash that can rest in my hands.  I have pictures that remind me he was once real, breathing, a heart beat, talking, alive.  I have one voice mail left.  I have go pros's from his time on the river.  These items became like fine gold to me.  Yet they are just items.  Physical ghosts.  They don't talk back.  They don't fill the void.  The things that used to upset me and distract me when John was alive completely disgust me now.  None of it mattered.  

My questions to those choosing to read my words are this.  Are you alive?   Are your loved ones alive?  Are you engaged with them?  Are you present?  Do those around you know how much you love them?  Is love the first choice?  Do you know your creator and the incredible love this universe has for you?  Have you asked?

These questions became daily for me after losing my husband. These questions will continue to make me a better woman, a stronger woman not only for myself but for those I love, those that are still here.  A woman that can serve her purpose the right way and then go home.

So March 9th will come and go and people will remember him.  I will get up and go to work that day, eyes ahead with a smile on my face.  I won't relive his death.  I may not even cry.  What I will do is be present with those still here, and remember those that have been so incredibly kind and loving to me over the past 2 years.  Those that took risk that day to recover him.  Those that called me every day, sat with me in silence, were available at all hours of the night.  Those that have continued to honor him and take their own adventures.  I will think of the many friends, family, and strangers that have continued to impact me over the last 2 years.  Most importantly I'll say thank you to my creator for carrying me every single day and choosing love for me regardless of my rage, my anger, my resentment. For without that I would be nothing.  

Let what is left in my hands be a reminder that we are only here for a short amount of time.  So remember those that are still here.  Remember to show love.  Remember to look around and be present.  Put your hope in eternity, where home truly is.  For when we truly do that, all that is left is just a reminder of what is to come, a place we'll all be reunited one day, where love is the only choice.

Crawling

"What you seek is seeking you."  Rumi

I am starting to believe that we speak truth to the realities around us.  I believe we can create the realities we feel we deserve.

This truth can have a negative effect as well.  There have been times in my life where I felt I wasn't good enough for a promotion, worthy enough of a relationship, smart enough for a certain school, cool enough for a friend.  Looking back over these different experiences, I have realized that I myself created those realities.  There was no one to blame but me for these moments of self-doubt. 

 We have the ability to speak truth to where we are, what we are doing, who we become.  We also have the ability to speak truth to our realities when the unexpected happens, when a chapter comes to an end, a door closes that we did not foresee.  I have learned over the last 23 months that I can choose how to use my pain, and what the outcome of my loss will be.  Every morning has been a choice since John died.

A few months after losing John, I began to ask myself two questions every morning.  "What kind of woman am I?"  "What kind of life would I like to have?"

I am a woman that is meant to love and be loved.  I have been speaking truth to this every morning since John died.  The greatest gift I believe God has given me in my 32 years here on earth, is the ability to love.  There is nothing greater or more precious than this.  

I met Tristan this past summer during an evening in Fayetteville that included sliders and beers with friends.  Tristan had just moved to the area from California to work at the local bike shop in town and work as a seasonal mountain bike guide in the gorge.  Tristan's love for Fayetteville was so big he decided to stay for the year.  Over the summer, into the fall, into the winter, we became great friends.  We got to know each other through adventuring into the outdoors whether it was on our mountain bikes, hiking, cooking meals, rescuing a starving cat, discussing books, and more.  Tristan was one of the few new individuals in my life that I felt instantly comfortable opening up about my love for John, and letting him truly know about our story.

Over the course of time, I've told Tristan how we met, the different adventures we took, what drew me to John, the struggles we had together and separately.  I've even told Tristan what it has been like to be forced to live without him, how desperate it felt to search for him, the experience of seeing John after he was gone.  I always noticed after each conversation that Tristan never seemed uncomfortable with these talks, in fact it was just the opposite.  He was encouraging of my raw honesty, my love for God, and my never ending love for John.  On multiple interactions, Tristan would tell me that John is a part of me, and will always be with me, nothing can take that away.  I always found those words so comforting coming from him.

Tristan is kind, incredibly funny, conscious, authentic, handsome, and full of love.  His heart is huge and I feel that the aroma of God's love is all around him.  I believe this aroma is so strong, my eyes and heart have become more and more drawn to the strong man that he is. 

The first time he kissed me, I wanted to cry and laugh in unison.  To feel drawn to give love to someone alive, in front of you who radiates love, yet also know that you are so deeply in love with someone who is gone is by far the strangest feeling I have ever experienced.   I desperately miss my husband.  I adore Tristan.  I would give the air in my lungs to hear and touch John again, yet I feel curious and excited for the path I am on with Tristan.  I am deeply in love and always will be with John, yet I feel that in many ways, I already love Tristan for the man he is. Letting Tristan in feels sometimes as if my heart is being pulled apart, grasping so tightly to my past.  Yet at the same time, my heart feels as if it is bursting, shocked and overwhelmed with the fact that I am capable of feeling anything again.  

Tristan said something to me after we recognized that this could be more than just a great friendship.  He told me that as we grow together, we won't fall in love, we instead would crawl into love.  As I experience this new relationship, this new chapter, I am realizing how right Tristan is.  Tristan has become my great friend over the last 9 months.  A friendship love developed over that course of time, that very slowly has moved into a companionship that I believe we are both crawling through now.  It is new, exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  

I recognize every morning when I reflect on the day ahead that I may hurt him, not because I want to, but because I don't know if I will ever fully let go.  I am not sure I am capable.  I feel as if John's death hardened my heart in many ways, and allowing myself to feel that incredible joy and excitement the way I used to seems impossible at times.  I recognize that I may project my pain towards him, compare the two, I may push him away.  We may be another written tragedy like so many failed relationships.  I realize that my situation is not for everyone, and I love Tristan for taking both the light and the darkness on that encompasses me.  

Love for my creator did not always come first during my time with John.  I idolized John, and always made him my first priority.  This wasn't John's fault at all, I just loved him so much that his mere existence felt like my life source.  My means for survival in this world.   I was younger and my faith was not as strong.  I absolutely believed God was real during our time, but I didn't recognize his love for me, his magnitude, how incredible his love feels when you look towards him first. 

This was a tough lesson for me to learn after John died and a regret I have to live with.  I wasn't bold in my faith with John and while I tried to be an example to him, I often feel I failed at this because he was always first on my list.  My time with John always came before my time with God.  Always putting him first did not reflect God's love, if anything it sometimes pushed God away and took God out of the relationship which was dangerous.  I don't believe God punished me for this by removing John from my life, but I do believe he has asked me to reflect on this and consider how things could have been better.  I believe John is reflecting with me in his new chapter as well.

I think this kind of recognition is really important regardless of your beliefs.  This recognition saves relationships.  Love for yourself, love for the universe, and recognition that we are all withering away, we are simply human.  Idolizing the flesh is dangerous, for it simply can't be your life source.  The flesh is not sustainable. I learned this through losing John and for me, it was truly recognizing how much more powerful God's love is for me and how that is the greatest love I will ever experience.  My means of survival is now through my creator, which gives me the heart to love again, and love with more gratitude and truth.

 "She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who loves the Lord is to be praised."  Proverbs 31

That is the kind of woman I want to be with Tristan and because of my sweet John, yet more importantly because of my creator, I believe it is possible.  I believe John would have really liked Tristan.  I believe that God's love radiates over Tristan.  So I will keep crawling every morning, every night with hope in my heart that new joy, new love, is indeed possible with eyes on my creator.

  I believe that starts with speaking truth to this new chapter, and being bold and honest to those that chose to read this without fear of judgment, fear of opinion, fear of comparison.  This is my truth.

Tristan, thank you for choosing to crawl with me.  Regardless of our outcome, I'll be a better woman because of this time with you.

Dear Sir

To read this piece, please visit Feminine Collective at

http://femininecollective.com/dear-sir/

Thank you!

Erin Wilburn

No One Told Us

To read this piece, please visit the following website:

http://femininecollective.com/no-one-told-us/

Thank you!

Erin Wilburn

God Take My Rage

"I want a trouble-maker for a lover, blood spiller, blood drinker, a heart of flame, who quarrels with the sky, and fights with fate, who burns like fire on the rushing sea."  Rumi



Rage.  Wikipedia describes the word as a feeling of intense, violent or growing anger.  It is sometimes associated with the "fight or flight" response to an external cue, such as an event that impacts negatively on a person.

Rage lives within me, I believe it lives within all of us.   Maybe three weeks after John died, I had a sudden out burst of rage that was so abrupt, so loud, it frightened me.  It felt involuntary, as if I was possessed for a few minutes.  I attempted to go mountain biking after returning to Oregon and had an issue with my bike that I couldn't seem to fix.  I'm not sure when exactly I snapped, but I threw my bike and gave out a blood curling scream.  I screamed at John.  I screamed at God.  I remember Jake hovering by a tree, terrified of me.  I told myself after that day that I wouldn't do that again, I would control my anger, I would push it away and find distraction when feeling irate.

I've learned that anger is a big part of grief.  While I question it's productivity, I know it exist within us.  When anger surfaces, we turn into something different.  Something dark.  We move away from the best version of ourselves through anger.

I’ve been gone for the past week between work and visiting a dear friend.  During my travels,  I spent a week in Richmond where John and I met and lived together for a few years.  I have found that by the end of a week in Richmond I feel exhausted.  It's as if my past is taunting me.  Everything is so familiar yet empty.  I adore my friends in Richmond but I'm always glad to leave.  On Sunday, I had to drive right through the town John grew up in on my way home from Harper's Ferry  for the first time since 2013.  I think that may have been the final trigger.  I felt him everywhere, and I became angry.  I pulled over and just stared out at the ridge you can see from his parents house and thought about how much life had changed in the last 21 months.   

John and I made many trips up to the Shenandoah Valley whether it was on our way to a kayaking destination or spending the weekend with his family.  I loved coming up here.  I loved seeing where John spent his boyhood days and I absolutely loved the comfort of the rolling mountains everywhere you looked.  I stared at that ridge knowing I’d never come back here again unless passing through.  I’d never step foot in his childhood home again.  This sense of family that we both had here was destroyed. I got back in my car and let my rage completely erupt.  I yelled things I shouldn’t have said.  These words- irrational outburst that made no sense.   

Shortly after John died, I felt an instant need to protect him, protect his choices.  For the longest time I remember telling people that John was well within his limits that day, that I had no issues with him kayaking.  I didn't want my husband to be viewed as reckless or irresponsible.  I didn't want people speaking of him in any negative way.  I even blamed myself for a long time, telling myself if only I had gone kayaking, they never would have done this harder section.  The truth.  No one should have kayaked that day, regardless of expert level.  At the rate the levels were climbing, the nature of each rapid was completely unpredictable.  Swimming was not an option.  I told John these things during our drive to the Smith.  He told me I was being silly.  He told me I was too paranoid.   He told me to relax, that things would be fine.  He should have listened to me.  

These are realities I'm still learning to come to terms with.  Accepting choices that were made that day.  I've let my rage explode at John for these choices.  For the predicament he left me in.  For not putting me first.  For telling me I was silly.  For thinking he was invincible.  I think sometimes when we lose someone so close to us, we tend to view them in a God like fashion.  They go up onto a self created pedestal that becomes impossible to compete with.  This is dangerous and leads to unrealistic expectations for our future.  John was my husband, not my God. 

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart."  Psalm 34:18

This morning I laid in bed considering my anger.  I thought about how my heart seems to turn angry over the holidays.  I thought about my judgment towards others and their happiness.  How I take their great outcomes personally, how I find their cute Christmas cards offensive and taunting.  It sounds horrible writing it, but it's the truth.  My heart seems to turn dark during this time of the year.

I wondered if at any point Jesus felt rage and simply put it away.  Was he angry at the world at any point, was he angry at his father?  He certainly didn't deserve the suffering he had to endure.  At one point, he even begged his father to take his suffering away, take the burden from him.  Yet instead, not only did he endure his own crucifixion, but he begged forgiveness on those that hurt him.  Its why we now can have this intimate relationship with him.  It's why my rage can be destroyed and overcome with joy.

My husband was a risk taker.  He marched to a different beat.  He pushed the limits often too much.  His need for adrenaline, for adventure, what ultimately led to his death and my fierce rage, is also the very thing that drew me to him.  It's what made me fall hard and fast.  It's what hardened my heart, yet also softened it.  I knew this about him, yet I was all in.  I wanted his heart of flame, for it made me feel alive.

Rage is not of God.  The anger that festers after loss comes from something dark.  Rage can become who you are after loss, if you let the darkness take over.  It can harden your heart, turn you into a cynical, morbid person.  I've seen this side within myself, and I don't like her.  I turned my rage over to God this past week, and I am sure I will do this a few times in the years to come.  For this is a part of being human, being vulnerable to the darkness, but also recognizing it's little worth, knowing it's source and the zero credibility it deserves.  Rage will destroy you if you allow it to.

I want love over the rage.  I choose indescribable, heart bursting, unapologetic love for John, for myself, for my family and friends over the rage.   I refuse to be a victim to the anger.  God can take my rage and destroy it, it's my choice to give it to him.  I believe this is the only choice, the most clear choice there is.